Tuesday, March 12, 2019

15 years....

It's hard to believe it's been that long.

15 years to the day since my mom died.

Looking back on it it's easy to pick and prod about how I have done this thing wrong or that thing wrong. Almost like I am still wanting my mom's approval and for her to be proud of what I've been up to.

Well I am married and have a step daughter and we all care about each other. Haven't got the house and picket fence but I'm working on it.

No I'm starting to think that I obsess with her approval because I don't want to lose her.

By that I mean I her memory. Other than a few phrases I've largely already forgotten the sound of her voice. I don't recall any specific scents or smells like a soap or perfume she used. I still recall some of the things she cooked and I do have several pictures of her so there is that.

I suppose in the long run I will eventually forget her completely, lose the ability to cook what she taught me, and the pictures of her will be lost to time even if they outlast my own time on this planet.

So why? Why go through so much trouble to hold onto something that I know I can't hold onto forever?

The best answer I can come up with is love.

I love my mom and just like anyone when they love someone they want to hold onto any and all memories, hints, traces, and parts of them they can.

So regardless of the fleeting nature of love I still want to keep up with it.

I wonder how I'll feel in 2024 at 20 years? 30 years? 50? In my final moments?

Who knows but for now I will hold on to it for as long as I can.