Saturday, November 15, 2014

Profoundly Simplistic? In Their DNA?

The dynamics of sex, marriage, and dating are rapidly changing these days and in such times of turmoil there are bound to be things said that people don't agree with and things that don't make sense. I think Nicey Nash has said some things that fall into both of those columns.

According to her book, It's Hard To Fight Naked, and a recent interview with Playboy, Nash seems to think that blowjobs and home cooked meals are key to a happy marriage.

While I don't want to deny her experiences I do think that by dispensing this out as relationship advice something very important is being skipped over.

By thinking blowjobs and home cooked meals will keep a man happy in a relationship I think communication is going to suffer big time. But trying to set a solid answer for what will make things work people set themselves up to think they can just follow a guide or read a book and be all set.

Look at some of what may be the basis of her thinking.
A BJ a day keeps the divorce attorney away’ and I say that because I feel like men are profoundly simplistic...
We want to be pleasing by nature, that’s in our DNA...
Men are basic and women have it in their genes to be pleasing.

This sounds like we are locked into a set way. Well we kind of are but I don't think its quite in the DNA of women yet and denying the complexity of men only just encourages us to bury it and deny it in hopes of getting some rather than risk losing it all.

We are set in those ways because of established gender roles. Little but powerful scripts that keep us all in place so that we don't look anywhere but down and don't think to far outside the box.

I worry that telling couples that blowjobs and home cooked meals will do more to reinforce these scripts which in the long run will do the opposite of keeping marriages going. Women acting a certain way because they think that's what they're genetics tell them to do. Men acting a certain way because they think they are too simple to think about something different.

But she does give some advice that not only is worth reading but if implemented across the entire relationship would run counter to her recommendation for keeping the marriage going.
And that’s a conversation that a lot of people dive into but if you’re going to be with someone for the rest of your life and they’re failing to meet your sexual needs is like doing a slow dance with death. We need to make sure we can meet right there in the middle.
Not having your needs and desires met can very well be a slow dance of death for the relationship. It's going to take conversation, speaking up, listening to your partner. Those are the things that need to be done to keep the marriage going, not just assuming he needs a full belly and a blowjob and she needs to be ready to give them.

Hell what if she doesn't like doing oral and hates cooking? What if he doesn't care about receiving oral and enjoys cooking?

This isn't some attack on Nash or a call to boycott her work.

I just disagreed with a portion of her thoughts (and think its worth noting that another portion of her thoughts could actually address the portion I disagree with).

And besides if a marriage is only being kept afloat with oral sex and home cooked meals then it might be best for it to let it sink.