Danny's Corner

Men act, Women are acted upon

2012-01-30T12:09:00.000-05:00

A week or so ago I was reading this post by TyphonBlue over at Genderratic. It was about how damaging it is to constantly cast women as victims who are acted upon rather than people with their own agency. Her post is a lot deeper than that so you should go read it. I just want to point out an odd example of this I saw a few nights ago.

I was reading a manga by the name Akuma no Elevator (roughly "Elevator to Hell"). The story centers around 4 people trapped in an elevator with no way to communicate to the outside world over a weekend (meaning there's a chance no one would notice them until Monday). The four people have dark pasts and in a moment of clarity, desperation, or who knows what they all decide to share histories. We eventually find out that:

One is a man that was in the apartment building visiting the woman he was cheating on his wife with. Oh and the wife is pregnant. Oh and the reason he was leaving (and was ultimately trapped in the elevator) was because he got a call from his wife saying she was going into labor.

The next is a man who kidnapped a little girl. He took her off somewhere and brought her back 30min. later. He doesn't actually say what he did to her before returning her but he does trail off, giving the implication that he did something to her. He lives in the building and was heading down to go out to the store.

Third is a man who is actually a cat burglar. He carries a spray that can instantly knock a person out. Easier to rob a place if you can knockout anyone that's home right? Not only is he a burglar but during one if his break ins he discovered a woman in the house sleep (he had cased the joint and thought the house was empty as the family was supposed to be on vacation). After spraying her to keep her from waking up, he rapes her in her sleep. He was in the building looking to break into an apartment and steal.

Finally we have a teenage girl. For years she was bullied, harassed, and put up with watching her parents argue. In all this her one true friend was her big sister. In an effort to help her the girl's parents got her in a counselling program which included a counselor that came over to talk to her. Her big sister ended up falling in love with the counselor, thus spending more time with him that with her. In retaliation she went to the counseling center and burned it to the ground (thankfully no one was inside). Fed up with her life her plan was to take the elevator to the roof and jump.

Thinking about Typhonblue's post I noticed something.

Did you notice that the three men's stories basically started with their actions where as the girl's story started with what how she was acted upon and then ended her actions?

Its almost like it was written so that the reader would have no sympathy for the men (who would have sympathy for three guys when all you know about them is that one is a adulterer, one is a kidnapper, and the other is a burglar/rapist?) but would have sympathy for the girl (who would not have sympathy for a girl who was bullied, harassed, had to put up with arguing parents and perceived abandonment from her one friend going on to burn down a building?). I mean if she had been presented in the same manner that the men had she would just be an arsonist that was there to commit suicide. Yet its only her life we are offered a pre-criminal look into....

Weekly Mashup Stage 86

2012-01-29T20:00:00.001-05:00

Xena Rewind: Stage Two

2012-01-26T06:42:00.000-05:00

(I'm going to be talking about to talk a lot about the show Xena: Warrior Princess. If you don't want it spoiled don't read. But at the same time let me say that I've seen the entire series before so I'll be trying to not spoil future seasons. I apologize in advance if I do.)

Its been a while but I finally finished S2 of Xena. So here goes.

I have to say that S2 really pushes home the point that revenge, redemption, attonement, hatred, and love are central themes to the series.

First we learn that Xena actually has a son. Born during the days when Xena was a violent warlord waging a campaign against the Centaurs, she was able to trust on Centaur warrior with her son to raise as his own son under the premise of wanting to protect young Solen from the dangers of her life and in hopes that he would not follow in her foot steps.

This season also marks the return, and death of Callisto. After breaking out of prison (Xena captured her in S1) she continues her vendetta against Xena and those she loves. This time her target was not the warrior princess herself but her companion Gabrielle, well actually Gabrielle's husband. The death of her husband is a true test of her commitment to nonviolence, which she pretty much failed by way of going after Callisto after promising Xena she wouldn't. A final confrontation left Xena and Callisto in a quick sand pit, in which the former allowed the latter to simply drown.

And I do mean she let her drown. I wonder why she did it. Maybe Xena thought Callisto, the innocent girl that was twisted into the violent woman that would cause so much pain, was truly beyond hope and healing. Maybe Xena wanted to avenge the death of Gabrielle's husband without having to see her friend go through the pain of doing it herself (remember Gabrielle has never killed while Xena has kill hundreds). Who knows, but she does in up wracked with guilt over it a few episodes later.

A few episodes later we are given a real big glimpse into Xena's past. It is revealed that she took her first steps to becoming feared killer after defending her home village of Amphipolis. From there she went on the offensive, guided by the belief that she and hers would never be threatened like that again. For a time she was one among many petty bandit leaders but one event changes all that. She manages to capture a young Roman officer who talks her into not only trading him for ransom but also agreeing to join forces with him. During this time Xena also learns the pressure point techniques that she becomes so efficient with later. (Yes the whole, "I've cut off the flow of blood to your brain...." routine? Xena made a slave teach them to her.) Hoping to gain a powerful ally in this young Roman officer Xena naively accepts, only to be double crossed and left for dead. The young slave comes back and rescues her, whisking her off to a healer high upon a mountain. While recovering the healer's hut is ambushed by Roman soldiers that managed to track them down. The slave dies protecting Xena and that slave's death was the trigger moment. This was the point where Xena went from no name bandit to a ruthless warlord that would cut a path of blood and violence so wide that even the god of war himself would take notice.

(Quick note: If you want to get the full story on Callisto I recommend watching the S3 episode of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys "Surprise" BEFORE watching the S2 Xena episode "A Necessary Evil".)

Mind you this was just what happened in the main story of the season. There were plenty of episodes that were pretty much self contained. But if anything else please watch the episode "A Day in the Life". Its supposed to be a normal day in the lives of Xena and Gabrielle (forever called X&G). Complete with giants, a cowardly general, a love struck village man, and rabid fan of Xena. Oh and Xena uses a piece of one of Gabrielle's scrolls for toilet paper. In my opinion one of the funniest episodes of the entire series. And fuck Benjamin Franklin and his kite and key experiment.

Now with more of Xena's past shown and Gabrielle starting to come into her own we are seeing the series starting to shape up a bit. Now let's take a closer look.

Season 2 brought us four men of color. One is actually Draco from the pilot episode. Second was a slave trader that was trying to buy a group of captured virgins from Draco. The third was a nobleman that was forcing his girlfriend to participate in a beauty pageant (yes I said beauty pageant but we'll get back to that in a bit). The fourth was a sailor, cursed both with immortality and banished from setting foot on land, that had given up on love. Two villains, a jerkish boyfriend (who does see the error of his ways), and one man who was not just evil (I would say more lost than evil). More of them over S1 but still lacking I say. But from what I recall this is about as best it gets until about S4. And hell white guys are doing much better either. Autolycus is still Autolycus and Joxer is still Joxer, other than that pretty much all villains.

About gay characters. First off there was a man that came up who MIGHT have been gay. He was commenting on how a man looked good and chased off after him at the end of the episode and he was in what I think is a stereotypical role of teaching Gabrielle how to be a "proper lady". I'm pretty sure that one possibly gay man doesn't really cut it. And speaking of homosexuality S2 is when the "are they gay?" moments really pick up. I mean in this season alone we see X&G take a bath together, almost kiss via Xena's soul in Autolycus' body, and in the last episode Gabrielle is hit with a love arrow and just barely avoids looking at Xena, which would have made her fall in love with her at first sight. She ended up seeing Joxer.

Remember that beauty pageant episode I told you I'd get back to? Well one of the women in the episode may not have been an actual woman. The reason I say may was because (from what I recall) it may have been a man in drag or it may have been a person with a male body but ID'd as a woman (I think that might have been a man in drag though).

So as you can see its still pretty much two white women going around beating down bad white men (and the occasional bad man of color and bad white woman).

Don't be afraid to speak up.

Oh dammit Axe

2012-01-24T12:01:00.000-05:00

I'm no fan of Axe. Thousand pardons for not taking kindly to a product that is marketed to me by telling me I'm disgusting and the only way I will have a chance with women is to use their products (which are so full of alcohol they are almost worthless). Well now it looks like they're about to get into the business of telling women they need to smell a certain to attract men.

Great. Fucking great.

Weekly Mashup Stage 85

2012-01-22T17:09:00.000-05:00

Degradation or Affirmation?

2012-01-19T08:43:00.000-05:00

Cross Posted.
This one is about to be about porn and sex. Tread carefully.

I'm liking this piece right here.

Its a post on why it may be a bit presumptive to go straight to "he wants to degrade and humiliate her" as to the reason men want to give women facials (facial: ejaculating on your partner's face). A bit of background on the origins of the facial.

Glickman suggests that the AIDS crisis and the concern with safer sex was what made the facial popular. "Cum on me, not in me" was a popular sex educator slogan as far back as the late 1980s. Ejaculating on a woman's stomach, however, usually meant that the camera wouldn't let the audience see the actress' expression. But if the male actor came on her face, the viewer could see two things at once: evidence of male pleasure (symbolized by the ejaculation) and the equally important sign that a woman's reaction to that pleasure mattered. With sex now so dangerous — and HIV particularly likely to be spread through semen — facials were relatively "safe." But in the era of AIDS, they were also compelling visual evidence that a woman wasn't threatened by a man's semen. In that sense facials were, almost from the start, more about women's acceptance of men's bodies than about women's degradation.

I think this is a plausible explanation that could serve as an almost polar opposite of the "humiliation/degradation" view on facials.

I've talked about how many view male sexuality as dirty before. I wonder if the "humiliation/degradation" crowd are starting from the destructive premise that since male sexuality is dirty then giving a woman a facial is a way to "make her dirty". Just like with other sex acts the facial may be seen by such people as another that a "pure woman" is made "dirty" by having sexual contact with men. Which may be why some people have a hard time with the idea that a woman may not care if a guy gives a facial and a really hard time with the idea that she may actually like it (there's a small anecdote in the article about a woman who experienced her first orgasm after getting a facial). But let's go a bit deeper.

It probably won't take much effort to realize that a lot of males think that their sexuality is dirty. They are sex hungry brutes that need to have sex with as many women as possible as fast as possible (its a sign that they're "real men" right?). So what if a male thought that the sight of a woman letting him ejaculate on her face and not freaking out about how "disgusting he is" was a form of acceptance? A sign that she wasn't repulsed by a part of him. Proof that she is okay with coming in contact with semen. Because let's face it (see what I did there) if a woman is letting you cum on her face then that probably means she trusts you if for no other reason than a lot of bad stuff can be transmitted through semen to skin contact.

And yes I said "letting him". This is contingent on consent. There is nothing wrong with a woman that doesn't want a guy to ejaculate on her face. She could have any number of reasons from having a traumatic experience, to she's allergic to it, to even the idea that she thinks its disgusting (and yes its entirely possible for her think semen is disgusting while not thinking the guy its coming from is disgusting) for not wanting it done but those are neither here nor there. Also more than likely a guy that's looking for affirmation, validation, and TRUST will be respectful enough to take a woman at her word when she says she doesn't want a facial.

That bit about trust will eliminate from this line of thought any guys that actually get off on doing it to her for their own pleasure whether she wants to or not and in their sick minds her not wanting it is a usually a bonus. They are in it for the lack of consent (notice that they don't even ask or do it anyway after she says no), humiliation (because there aren't many things that will generate humiliation more than having something done to you against your will), degradation (thinking that them doing it to you anyway is a sign that you are beneath them) and who knows what else. So bear this in mind.

In any case, humiliation and affirmation aren't incompatible reactions to the same act; a feeling of indignity when your partner ejaculates on your face isn't contingent on his intending to demean you.

In short the fact that you find facials to be disgusting doesn't automatically translate into "he wants to do it to humiliate me".

Personally I think that this could hold true for guys that want to ejaculate on a woman's face but don't want to do it to humiliate her, who are probably operating from the thought that if she is being humiliated (and I don't mean "she gets off on being treated that way but its consensual" I mean "she just had her boundaries violated in a serious way") then she's not going to want to be with him. What person wants to be with some that doesn't respect them?

Two things I want to add:
1. I'm not trying to pass this off as proof that no guy has ever wanted to give a woman a facial for sole purpose of humiliating her. Yes there are jerks out there like that.

2. Despite this being written in terms of man ejaculating on woman this could probably be applied to any (and I can't believe I'm about to say this) ejaculator/ejaculatee relationship. In fact I think the existence of facials in male/male porn challenges the assumptions that facials are about humiliating women, as the article notes. (unless you're one of those folks that traces everyone back to a hatred of women).

Third question about profiling

2012-01-16T11:10:00.000-05:00

So now that you've had a bit to think about question two let us continue.

This is actually going to more simple than I thought it would be. I was expecting to bring in my dear black man as a test case but I don't think I have to. A lot of the people that talk about profiling usually have it correct that few people are profiled as violent criminals waiting to strike as black men (well Latino men come close and you may be thinking Muslims and while that is true I think that's a bit too focused to say that Muslims fit this bill) are. Even though the black man stands on the intersection two stereotypical trains (the intersection of "Be suspicious of men" and "Be suspicious of black people") I don't think I need to ask a round of questions about him (however feel free to comment on this if you wish). So I'll skip straight to the final question(s).

Why is it that people think that its okay to be suspicious of some groups but not of others?

And because they are two different things why is it that people think that its okay to presume the wort faith in every member of a group for no other reason than being a member of that group?

Weekly Mashup Stage 84

2012-01-14T18:00:00.001-05:00

Don't fret...the comments aren't gone

2012-01-14T15:34:00.004-05:00

You may have noticed that there are no comments on my posts right? That's because I took a gamble and installed Intense Debate on my blog, which resulted in my comments being hidden. They aren't actually gone I can still see them in my Blogger Dashboard. However I learned the hard way that there is currently no way to import Blogger comments into Intense Debate (like I said I took a gamble).

So don't fear all the words we have exchanged over the last few years are still there, we just can't access them now.

As for when you comment you have the options of commenting with Intense Debate, Wordpress, OpenID, or as a Guest by just filling in the Name field (for those of you who wish to post anonymously feel free to make up something to throw in there).

Now....

Let Intense Debate Begin!!!!!

An ugly obsession?

2012-01-13T11:45:00.000-05:00

So I was looking around on Slate's "Dear Prudence" advice column when I came across a pretty interesting plea for advice. Okay honestly I came across it first at Spearhead and followed it to Jezebel. However there is so much venom coming from both sides I was barely able to read those posts. But if you insist they're at Spearhead (here read this one 3rd), Jezebel (here read this one 2nd), and again at Spearhead (here read this one 1st). The comments at Slate aren't much better either.

The letter writer appears to be that's 18 and is expressing concern for their dad:

Q: Dad-Related Dilemma: My mom left my dad for another man 10 years ago, when my brother and I were in grade school. She took us with her, and the loss of his family turned my father into a bitter man. He now considers himself a men's rights activist. From what I can tell, the men's rights movement my dad belongs to believes that American law and society has institutionalized misandry. One website my dad frequents warns men not to date single mothers because their children might accuse the boyfriend of molesting them to reap the benefits of victimhood. My dad speaks often about the men's rights movement, and when my brother and I don't want to listen, he accuses us of being brainwashed by feminists. His behavior doesn't come across as crazy so much as it does misogynistic. Now I'm 18 and could stop seeing him if I wanted to. But my brother is younger and still has to see him. My mom doesn't know the full story because we don't want her to overreact. What should we do?

A: Your mother leaving him may have caused your father's personality change—it may also be that his personality was in place and your mother couldn't take it anymore. Both you and your brother are old enough to have some direct discussions with your father about your relationship with him. Talk to your brother and see if he wants to join in such a conversation, and if he doesn't, make some time alone with your father. He needs to be told that his activism is his business, but you don't want to be his audience anymore. Say that you both understand he has strong feelings about women and the legal system, but being lectured to is poisoning your relationship. Reassure him that you love him and want to spend time with him, but you want to talk about things that are less painful and volatile. If he won't curb his enthusiasm, then you can start peeling off from your visits. Now that you're 18, spending less time with your father would be bound to happen anyway. But if you do that, be a sounding board for your brother on how to deal with Dad's ugly obsession.

Okay first things first. Personally I think this dad got hurt. Hurt real bad. How can you not be hurt real bad after having your wife leave you for another man? And after being hurt he simply didn't have the system of support a lot of men are not offered because of the idea that men don't need it (and often don't take when offered it for that same reason). No matter how toxic he may have become over those 10 years the problem isn't the misogyny or hatred of feminists. Those are just a gun so to speak. A convenient weapon to take up after not having a proper outlet for his pain, which led him to wanting to take up a weapon to lash out with. I think that's the basis for a lot of MRAs (versus the belief that MRAs exist only to hurt feminists and women) and I think his chances would have been a lot better if he had fallen in with some MRAs that weren't so poisoned (yes they actually exist).

I think that if this 18 year old and little brother wanted to (and I don't think they should feel obligated) they could do a lot of good in healing his pain by showing that they love him. Unless this dad abused mom or something else to actually run her off she did him wrong plain and simple. More than likely the dad having anything resembling a relationship with the mom at this point is a totally lost cause, but its not a lost cause for the kids.

One other thing that bothers me is the Prudence calling it an "ugly obsession". Okay for the little bit that MRAs get mentioned in the media it usually negatively and its not always justified frankly. So I'm wondering if she's talking about his poisoned attitude or identifying as an MRA in general. (I sent her an email asking for context on that, I'll post if I get a reply.)

Mind you I don't know any details beyond that letter but with the way the letter writer sounds it seems like he changed after mom left (and I almost think Prudence is trying to bury that with the "may"s in the start of her response). Just like all movements there are good elements and bad elements. It seems like he has fallen with a bad element.

Rape, Redefined

2012-01-11T10:55:00.001-05:00

(As the title says I'm talking about rape, namely the new definition of it. Tread carefully.)

I'm sure that by now you've read somewhere about the Justice Department redefining rape. Let's review shall we.

Before:

The law then defined rape as "the carnal knowledge of a female, forcibly and against her will."

As you can see that's a very narrow definition of rape that leaves out A LOT of rape cases. a female teacher drugging a male student? Rape but only because of the age different, not because of the act itself. The recent revelations of Sandusky? Not rape. A man forced to penetrate a woman against his will or under means in which his ability to consent is taken from him (ie drugged or drunk)? Not rape. Not a very inclusive definition.

Now:

The crime of rape will be defined as "penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim," a Justice Department statement said.

As you can see this covers a lot more instances of rape are covered. The language is not gender specific and covers many types of penetration and that is a good thing for sure. But I have to say that I have a tiny bit of skepticism here.

When asked about rape I generally think "sex against someone's will or under conditions where they can't consent". I try to be inclusive of all forms of sex and not just penetration sex. To me it seems this new definition is depending on defining sex as penetration and then from there defining penetration without consent as rape. And that's where I think my skepticism lies in this new definition.

For instance is oral sex on someone’s labia/clitoris/surrounding area (which doesn’t always include penetrating the vagina) without the consent of said labia/clitoris/surrounding area’s owner considered rape? Is manual stimulation of a penis (hand job) against the penis owner’s consent rape?

Believe me I'm not trying to nit pick for the sake of nit picking. I just want to make sure no rape victim is left out.

Second question about profiling

2012-01-09T11:33:00.000-05:00

If you recall a few days ago I asked about profilng, specifically racial profiling in the form of three scenarios. Well I got a few answers but somehow Clarissa, being the academic she is, actually managed to get more responses than I got here. Crushing I know but nevermind that. In her comment section a few people brought up the fact that I didn't mention black men in my scenarios. We'll get to that later on but for now I want to bring up a response someone gave over at Clarissa's.:

I have to say, I would do all three of the things Danny describes simply because all three scenarios involve men.

As a survivior of sexual violence, there are very few men that I actually feel comfortable being alone with. And if I’m walking down the street by myself and I’m about to pass a man on the street that counts as “being alone.” I would also make sure to lock my car because I don’t want a man to break into the car and hide in the back seat waiting for me.

I react this way to almost every man I know when we’re the one two in the area.

First off we are not here to try and judge this response as right, wrong, or anything else. However it does serve as a good introduction to the next question.

When it comes to profiling about gender people tend to profile men as criminals waiting to strike (namely rapists and muggers).

Let's go back and look at those three scenarios from part one.:

1. You park your car and get out to go inside a mall. As you look up from locking and closing your door you see an Native American man walk by who makes direct eye contact with you. You double check to make sure your car door is locked.

2. Walking down the street one night you see a Jewish man coming from the opposite direction. Just before making contact you suddenly cross the street.

3. Waiting for an elevator you see that no one else is around...except for the Mexican man that comes from around the corner. You hope that he is not also looking to take the elevator.

What would happen if we changed the description a bit (and I'm creating a fourth scenario for balance)?

1. You park your car and get out to go inside a mall. As you look up from locking and closing your door you see a man walk by who makes direct eye contact with you. You double check to make sure your car door is locked.

2. Walking down the street one night you see a woman coming from the opposite direction. Just before making contact you suddenly cross the street.

3. Waiting for an elevator you see that no one else is around...except for the man that comes from around the corner. You hope that he is not also looking to take the elevator.

4. You're at a club dancing your butt off and when you stop to take a break a woman appears offering you a drink.

Now unlike last time when the name of the game was race this time the name of the game is gender. Respond as you wish and just remember that its not about having the right answer. The only right answer is your answer. I'll be back in a few days with the next question.

The Hugo Schwyzer Post.....or This one's for you Daisy

2012-01-08T23:00:00.000-05:00

It would seem that things have heated up quite a bit in the last few weeks in the gender sphere and at the center of the blast radius is Hugo Schwyzer.

I recommend checking out this post where Ozy puts more effort into summing the timeline of events around this than I would be able to (Fro tip to Ozy for this). Long story short Clarisse Thorn did an interview with Hugo and posted it over at Feministe. During the fruit basket upturn that followed it was revealed that Hugo at one point in the past tried to kill his girlfriend at the time and himself during a drug induced rage.

What I want to talk about is the importance of the "I've been there."/"I'm there now." perspective.

Enter Daisy Deadhead:

I am an alcoholic and addict, and certainly, I could tell stories like Hugo’s. And I have done some horrible things. I thought about composing a tell-all for my 30-years-sober post (Jan 22 will be 30 years), but Hugo has died for my sins. I won’t be writing that. I will be keeping my secrets. Hugo has shown me that people are not ready to forgive, regardless of what you do and what good work you have done since. They are clearly morally superior and like to blame addicts for being addicts. Self-righteousness is a lot of fun.

Now my initial reaction was to go on about how I don't think Daisy would generate as much heat with a tell-all like Hugo did (which by the way Daisy I still stand by that for reasons I mentioned in that post) but nevermind that for now. There is something important in that first sentence.:

I am an alcoholic and addict, and certainly, I could tell stories like Hugo’s.

This is valuable.

As a person fighting her own addiction issues Daisy can actually offer some insight into the reasoning behind Hugo's actions. Let me say that again. She is offering insight as to why he would have done such a thing, SHE IS NOT TRYING TO JUSTIFY OR DEFEND HIS ACTIONS.

She also chimes in at a post on the topic over at Alas:

For the record, I don’t simply see this as a discussion about men and women, abusers and victims, feminists and non, etc etc, but also about judging practicing-addicts by the standards of non-addicts and never-addicts. I’d like to restrict this conversation to people in recovery, but too late for that now. I just don’t think people who have never sold their asses for a couple of pills, understand what that reality is like and never will.

This is all worth keeping in mind because as she points out there are things that addicts know about addiction (and what it can do to you) that those of us who have never been addicts can understand.

She knows the highs, the lows, the feelings, the pain, the sorrow, and everything in between. And not just of the addiction but of the long, possibly never-ending battle against it.

So I'll say this in closing.

Hugo: I've agreed with some of your work and I've disagreed with a lot of your work and stances on issues. The revelation of your attempted murder/suicide doesn't alter what parts of your material I agree/disagree with. But it does reveal a part of you that I didn't know existed. As someone who has never been down that road all I can say is best of luck to you fighting it.

Daisy: I now better see where you were coming from when you talking about people pouncing on Hugo about over his attempted murder/suicide. Despite not always seeing eye to eye with you I still say that a confessional from you would not alter my opinions on your stances just as they don't with Hugo (given time to cool off). However I can see how the reactions of the people who did pounce on Hugo over this attempted murder/suicide would make you not want to speak up. I'm learning all to well now that one of the best ways to fight the darkness is to let it out. Therefore I'm sorry that this event has convinced you to keep yours locked away.

Weekly Mashup Stage 83

2012-01-07T16:16:00.002-05:00

You got here by searching THAT?

2012-01-05T23:50:00.002-05:00

I don't look at the search terms that lead people here too often but last night I did and it just, well take a look.

1.banana republic penis

2.good looking chubby man

3.fuck youoououou

4.i wanna get funky or christ

5.i went to a party mom

6.is it to okay to masturbate while talking to someone

7.laughing of women in kieu becker case

8.pokemon on pokemon sex

9.skyrim sex

10.touch starved men

I got nothing...

Good Man Indeed Stage 3

2012-01-05T13:07:00.000-05:00

Good men come in all walks of life. Rich, poor, famous, ordinary, etc... Today's entry is one of the ordinary ones. Brotherly Love indeed (I'm indenting this myself because that one giant paragraph is killing me.):

you thought I didn’t really notice. But I did. I wanted to high-five you. Yesterday I had a pair of brothers in my store. One was maybe between 15-17. He was a wrestler at the local high school. Kind of tall, stocky and handsome. He had a younger brother, who was maybe about 10-12 years old. The only way to describe him was scrawny, neat, and very clean for a boy his age. They were talking about finding a game for the younger one, and he was absolutely insisting it be one with a female character. I don’t know how many of y’all play games, but that isn’t exactly easy.

Eventually, I helped the brothers pick a game called Mirror’s Edge. The youngest was pretty excited about the game, and then he specifically asked me.. “Do you have any girl color controllers?” I directed him to the only colored controllers we have which includes pink and purple ones. He grabbed the purple one, and informed me purple was his FAVORITE. The boys had been taking awhile, so their father eventually comes in. He see’s the game, and the controller, and starts in on the youngest about how he needs to pick something different. Something more manly. Something with guns and fighting, and certainly not a purple controller.

He tries to convince him to get the new Zombie game “Dead Island.” and the little boy just stands there repeating “Dad, this is what I want, ok?” Eventually it turns into a full blown argument complete with Dad threatening to whoop his son if he doesn’t choose different items. That’s when big brother stepped in. He said to his Dad “It’s my money, it’s my gift to him, if it’s what he wants I’m getting it for him, and if your gonna hit anyone for it, it’s going to be me.” Dad just gives his oldest son a strong stern stare down, and then leaves the store. Little brother is crying quietly, I walk over and ruffle his hair (yes this happened all in front of me.) I say “I’m a girl, and I like the color blue, and I like shooting games. There’s nothing wrong with what you like. Even if it’s different than what people think you should.” I smile, he smiles back (my heart melts!) Big brother then leans down, kisses little brother on the head, and says “Don’t worry dude.” They check out and leave, and all I can think is how awesome big brother is, how sweet little brother is, and how Dad ought to be ashamed for trying to make his son any other way.

The types of games you play or the color of your peripherals has absolutely no bearing on what kind of man you are or are going to be. And to see a big brother take up for his little brother, in the fact of his father no less, is the sign of a good man if there ever was one.

Question about profiling

2012-01-04T10:53:00.003-05:00

If you have been following Good Men Project lately then you saw the latest throw down over comments between Tom Matlack, Hugo Schwyzer, feminists, non-feminist, MRAs, and all in between. Well one of the points of contention was on some race. Tom Matlack made a comment about how it is wrong to make presumptions about "all men" just as it wrong to make presumptions about "all black men". (This is not the exact comment but rather him summarizing it later. This fire fight has gone on for so many posts that I simply can't find the original comment. If you do don't be scared to share.)

And, when I say that I believe treating every black man as a criminal just because there are one million of them behind bars is just as abhorrent as treating all men as rapists – it brings strangers to my door to call me not only a sexist but racist and deeply offensive.

Now I think most people can agree with these two sentiments.

Judging any entire group based on the actions of a subset of the group is wrong. Yet there are people who will in one breath denounce one form of such profiling while defending another. Well I want to get at something that seems to get lost in all this race and gender talk about profiling.

Race and gender intersect when it comes to profiling. I want you to consider the RACIAL aspect of these three scenarios for a bit and answer in the comment section if you have anything to share.

1. You park your car and get out to go inside a mall. As you look up from locking and closing your door you see an Native American man walk by who makes direct eye contact with you. You double check to make sure your car door is locked.

2. Walking down the street one night you see a Jewish man coming from the opposite direction. Just before making contact you suddenly cross the street.

3. Waiting for an elevator you see that no one else is around...except for the Mexican man that comes from around the corner. You hope that he is not also looking to take the elevator.

Now like I said I just want you to consider the racial implications here. I'll be getting to the gender part in a few days after you've had some time to think. Don't forget to comment!

Criminalizing Visitation Interference?

2012-01-02T13:46:00.000-05:00

Robert Franklin talks about the idea of criminalizing interfering with child visitation.

Near the beginning he says orders shouldn't be about visitation but about parenting time.

Actually, they should never be issued in the first place. What family courts should do is issue orders about parenting time. They shouldn’t name one parent as the custodial parent, the primary custodial parent, the managing conservator, the residential parent, etc. Orders should simply say that Dad gets the kids every other week and Mom gets them every other week. Or Dad gets them for the five weekdays and Mom on weekends. Or vice versa.

There should be no concept that one parent is superior to the other. The order should be about parenting time. Period.

I can get with this. Ideally the point behind "visitation" is about giving the child a chance to spend parent/child time with both parties and for both parents to have time being a parent to the child. And I agree that its not about one parent being superior to the other, with the only exception being perhaps if the schedules of the parents in question don't line up and maybe one ends up with more time with the child than the other. But even then its not that one parent is the better parent for having more time with the kids. And speaking of the flawed thinking:

Courts are still stuck in the past when a father’s minimal visitation time was called an “award.” Meager as that is - usually two days out of every two weeks – courts still refuse to enforce it in most cases, and for the most part, no one except the dads who are cut out of their children’s lives seems to care.

Pretty weird don't you think. During the time of the marriage time with the children is just as much responsibility as it was award. Yet once the divorce happens suddenly one parent, usually dad, has their time with the children changed to an "award". And on top of that the "award" is enforced with nowhere near the level of tenacity that child support is enforced.

Most importantly, the full force of state enforcement is provided free of charge to mothers with child support cases. Fathers with visitation orders must do it all themselves including paying the piper. And by the time they succeed, if they do, months have passed during which time their children, if they’re very young, may have forgotten all about them.

Why is this the case?

It may have something to do with the way people think about support and visitation. On one hand more people will argue that support is something for the child. And they would be correct. Child support is paid to the parent for the well being of the child. On the other hand visitation is considered something for the parent. This may not be the best way to think about it though. When that other parent gets their time with the child can we really say that that is not going to the well being of the child? As said above parenting time with the child is as much for the sake of the child as it is for the sake of the parent, actually more I think. So doesn't it follow suit to say that when a child is being denied time with the other parent that child's well being is actually being affected?

Making my way home

2012-01-02T11:34:00.003-05:00

I hope the everyone had a fun and safe time this weekend.
I've been out of town for the last two days and about to make my way back now. I've been looking at the comments that came while I was gone and all seems well. I'll be home in the next several hours.

Now I'm about to start racing the clock to see if I can get home before the weekly Fangs For The Fantasy. Chat starts back after their 2 week holiday break.

Wish me luck!

Weekly Mashup Stage 82

2012-01-01T06:00:00.000-05:00

Alright people the New Year is upon us but first I want to take one last look at 2011 before heading off to 2012.

In an effort to build up the Ethecofem community into a place where any walk of life will feel welcome to come and discuss things we are looking for another regular contributor, preferably of the female persuasion to balance things out a bit, but anyone interested is welcome. We like a variety of viewpoints, experiences, and perspectives. And as always April is on the eternal lookout for guest bloggers as well. If you're interested drop a line at ethecofem[at]gmail[dot]com.

Also feel free to treat this as an Open Thread.

The Best Albums of 2011: Warren sharing some of the best albums of 2011.

The Real Buddha Bar, Tended By Tokyo Monks: Tired of being secluded away from the very people they have practiced to council, some monks have taken up running bars and clubs as a way to reconnect to people.

Pa. liquor board pulls ad on heavy drinking, rape: I think I can sense some good faith here. I don't think the folks behind that ad were actually trying to say that "This is what happens when a woman drinks too much." but rather "Alcohol is the most dangerous of date rape drugs. Be careful.". I'll be the first to agree that when someone is raped its not their fault but the fault of the rapist. However I think this conversation about alcohol needs to be had because unlike GHB or any other date rape drug, alcohol has perfectly legal uses, which makes it very dangerous in the form of how easy it is to obtain. Hell as long as you're 21 you can literally just walk into a store and buy it with only one question asked ("Can I see some ID?"). I'll be the first to agree that the ultimate goal is to stop rapists but I don't see much harm in potential victims being made aware of the weapons that a rapist has at their disposal.

Two New Sections on The Good Men Project: ‘The Issues of Men’s Rights’ and ‘Men and Feminism’: After quite the bit of fire fighting (and I'll admit I've been a part of it) at The Good Men Project over the last week or so it looks like they are gonna try something different. But I'll admit that this worries me in the form of thinking it may serve to drive the people over there apart rather than bring them together.

Something borrowed:

I used to think that people with a positive body image simply were thin and muscular (and thereby fit our odd Western standards), so how could they not like and appreciate their bodies?

Or I used to think that I couldn’t like my body until I lost weight, until I actually deserved to love it. In my current shape, it just wasn’t right to have a healthy body image. I had to be ashamed if I weren’t thin.

But, as we know, nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve learned, thankfully, quite a bit since those days. That’s why I wanted to share with you some of the things that people with a positive body image know. The real stuff. Not what you read in women’s magazines or see in weight-loss commercials.

1. That it’s important to take good care of your body.

2. That our body does a lot for us, even though we’ve bashed it over and over and over.

3. That exercise is meant to be enjoyed, so you only practice the physical activities that are fun and truly make you feel good.

4. That you’ll still have days where you probably hate your body and your life. And that’s OK.

5. That your negative thoughts are not actions. So just because you feel bad about your body and want to restrict your food or over-exercise or miss that get-together doesn’t mean you will. It’s just a thought. You can choose to act on it or not.

6. That a positive body image means more than liking your thighs, butt and belly. That it encompasses not just taking good care of yourself but also honoring your body, respecting your boundaries and seeing doctors for regular appointments and when you’re sick.

7. That sleep does a mind and body good!

8. That you always have time to take care of yourself.

9. That you’re more than a few body parts. You’re an entire, amazing package.

10. That you’re worthy and deserving of respect at any size, shape or weight.

11. That weight loss isn’t a magical elixir for everything that’s wrong with your life.

12. That ads and magazines are preposterously Photoshopped so that the actual actresses and models don’t even look like that. That’s why they have to “train” so hard for their fashion shows. (And by train hard, I mean engage in super unhealthy habits.)

13. That eating is flexible and enjoyable.

14. That you can wear whatever the heck you like, not just supposedly slimming black clothes or bulky cardigans and sweatshirts.

15. That you don’t have to wait to lose weight to pursue your dreams. You can. do. it. right. now. (And I hope you will.)

16. That people who make mean remarks about your body are jerks, and their comments are more about them than you.

17. That just because everyone around you is dieting doesn’t mean it’s the healthiest thing to do. (If everyone was jumping off a cliff…just kidding.)

18. That your feelings are not scary or to be avoided at all costs. Instead, they provide you with valuable information about your needs and the actions you might want to take.

19. That having a positive body image is a process. Day by day. It might seem oh-so impossible at first but if you start small, it’ll improve.

20. That you deserve to love your body at any size, shape or weight!

And on that positive note I shall end this post.

Next week!

I Went to a Party Mom

2011-12-31T13:00:00.000-05:00

Originally posted 12/31/09 but I think its something worth saying again.
Its that time of year again and I just wanted to give advice to the folks that consume alcohol as part of their celebration. Drink with conviction. Drink with caution Drink with safety. Drink with responsibility.

I'm sure a lot of you are ready to go out and get crazy. It's fine to get crazy but be sure not to get too crazy. I would be so happy if there was no death or injury this New Year's. I found this poem a few days ago in a local paper and it serves as a grim reminder of the damage one can do when they get reckless when drinking and driving.

I Went to a Party Mom

I went to a party, Mom, I remembered what you said.

You told me not to drink, Mom, so I drank soda instead.

I really felt proud inside, Mom, the way you said I would.

I didn’t drink and drive, Mom, even though the others said I should.

I know I did the right thing, Mom, I know you are always right.

Now the party is finally ending, Mom, as everyone is driving out of sight.

As I got into my car, Mom, I knew I’d get home in one piece.

Because of the way you raised me, so responsible and sweet.

I started to drive away, Mom, but as I pulled out into the road, the other car didn’t see me, Mom, and hit me like a load.

As I lay there on the pavement, Mom, I hear the policeman say, the other guy is drunk, Mom, and now I’m the one who will pay.

I’m lying her dying, Mom…I wish you’d get here soon.

How could this happen to me, Mom?

My life just burst like a balloon.

There is blood all around me, Mom, and most of it is mine.

I hear the medic say, Mom, I’ll die in a short time.

I just wanted to tell you, Mom, I swear I didn’t drink.

It was the other, Mom. The others didn’t think.

He was probably at the same party as I.

The only difference is, he drank and I will die.

Why do people drink Mom? It can ruin your whole life.

I’m felling sharp pains now. Pains just like a knife.

The guy who hit me is walking, Mom, and I don’t think it’s fair.

I’m lying here dying and all he can do is stare.

Tell my brother not to cry, Mom, Tell Daddy to be brave.

And when I go to heaven, Mom, put “Daddy’s Girl” on my grave.

Someone should have told him, Mom, not to drink and drive.

If only they had told him, Mom, I would still be alive.

My breath is getting shorter, Mom.

I’m becoming very scared.

Please don’t cry for me, Mom.

When I needed you, you were always there.

I have one last question, Mom, before I say goodbye.

I didn’t drink and drive, so why am I the one to die?

Author Unknown

By all means have fun but please be safe folks. No amount of fun is worth someone's life.

A Silent Night in the Kingdom of the Distant Mother

2011-12-30T07:05:00.000-05:00

Its the end of the year people so here's one last song title link post to close us out. And I have to admit that this may be the last one I do. Its not that I don't like doing them its just that my tastes in music has been pretty damn drag lately and I don't want to share the pain so to speak. Also my taste in music hasn't gotten that much wider. So in case this is the last go around let me combine the Christmas spirit (which even though New Year's is upon us is still strong), my excitement from seeing VNV Nation a few weeks ago, and one of my favorite bands. Take it easy!

Temptations - Silent Night

VNV Nation - Kingdom

Autumn's Grey Solace - Distant Mother

Survivor’s Tales: Victims of Abuse, Come Forward

2011-12-27T12:56:00.000-05:00

I'm really liking the roll that this guy is getting started:

Everyone, emerge from your hiding places. Spin your tale, weave the fabric. “Give me your tired, your poor. Your huddled masses yearning to be free,” as the poem goes.

Anyone out there pining to exorcise the demons shackling their legs, do it below in the commentary section. Leave no hurt and pain inside. Let it all out.

Regardless of your gender, age, race, religion, ethnicity, color, creed, or mental capacity, whatever part of the world you inhabit, all are welcome to provide their tales of abuse, neglect, and hurt from any girl or woman who dealt harm upon your person either in the past or present.

Let’s show everyone that abuse from women and girls are NOT isolated incidences, that we are neither anomalies nor less of a priority. The sooner society hears us as one voice, the stronger a shift can occur.

And in case you may be worried about how safe the space will be for you to share your stories bear this disclaimer in mind:

Note: This haven is intended to be safe, supportive, and validating for the survivors who comment. Any responses centering on patriarchy, male privilege, who has it worse, and excuses for the female perpetrators/bullies are not welcome. Take it elsewhere, please.

What was your greatest accomplishment this year?

2011-12-26T10:35:00.000-05:00

The end of the year is upon us and like most people I've been looking back over the year at what I've done and have not done. And of course when you do that you will almost certainly wonder what great/good things you've done and what bad/terrible things you've done over the year. I've been doing the same and I have to say that probably the single greatest thing I've done this year was my phototherapy.

It all started earlier this year with coming clean on the fact that I absolutely hated to have my picture taken. After putting up with this for so long I decided to do something about it.

And thus Danny's Phototherapy was born. I do post other things there now but the original purpose of it was for me to post pictures of myself thus getting me to get along with the idea of having my picture taken. Also I tend to rant about fat in general. And I have to say that the results are good. I've noticed in the last year that I've come to be okay with having my picture taken. But more noticeably my friends have see the difference.

I recall about a month ago I was hanging with two buddies and the wife of one of them wanted to take out picture. After taking the pic both buddies and the wife both commented on how I didn't avoid the picture. A hell of a leap for a man that learned how to clean shave in the shower so he wouldn't have to look at his face right (and I'm serious about that, clean shave with no cuts)?

So come on share those good things.

Did you start a blog up this year?

Did you hit a milestone in a relationship?

Did you get something you've been pursuing for a long time?

Speak up.

Weekly Mashup Stage 81

2011-12-25T07:59:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas folks! Once you've gotten all your gifts open and have stuff yourself with a big meal you know you're gonna be ready to sit back for some reading right? Then take a look at what I've found this week.

Ukrainian Feminists Are Brutalized in Byelorussia: "I understand that the reason why people don’t want to read them is not indifference. It is, rather, a sense of impotence. Nobody knows how the situation can be helped. I believe, however, that knowledge and awareness are the best – and the only – ways to help. If people in other countries know what’s going on, if they are aware of the facts, they are already doing a lot."

Survivor’s Tales: Victims of Abuse, Come Forward: "There are more survivors like me out there, recovering from and dealing with their trauma under the merciless haranguing wrought by female perpetrators or bullies. For those of you who fit that description, this will be your moment."

Either a penitent or a buffoon.: "Of course, it’s difficult to prove a broad proposition such as “women are granted more moral authority than men in sexual matters”, but men’s silence speaks volumes. Feminist thinker Thomas Millar says that men have “ceded the field” in talking about male sexuality, and says this is because men are a prisoner of privilege. But how privileged is a man who continually and strategically keeps his mouth shut?"

Even if the idea of "custody papers" may be above a 7yr old this is still pretty sad.

Police: Baby dies after underwater home birth: I'm betting it was just a horrible occurrence but I think this might be a case to stress the proper training of midwives.

12 indicted in forcible beard- and hair-cuttings of Ohio Amish: "Twelve members of a breakaway Amish sect were indicted on federal charges for allegedly shaving the beards and cutting the hair of Amish community members, the Justice Department said Tuesday."

Unprovoked attacks at heart of 'Knockout King': This is just brutal. There is definitely something wrong with our youth today that think such acts of violence are okay to carry out.

I don't listen to much violin music but when I do I prefer it like this. Stay classy my friends.

Take it easy!

Weekly Menu Dec. 24 - Caroline Bellefleur's Chocolate Cake

2011-12-24T22:56:00.002-05:00

Okay as may have seen I haven't done one of these in a while. Its not that I haven't been cooking its just that I haven't been cooking anything noteworthy. But fear not I have one last go around before ending the year out.

I got this recipe a few months ago from the folks over at Fangs For The Fantasy. Apparently it has something to do with True Blood, but I neither watch not read that stuff. I'm in it for the cake.

TIME: 2 HOURS • SERVES 12
INGREDIENTS:
1 package Swansdown Chocolate Fudge Cake Mix (or Duncan Hines, if you
can’t find Swansdown anymore)
1 package (8 oz.) seedless dates
1 cup water
¾ cup sugar
2 cups confectioners’ sugar
⅛ tsp. salt
3 Tbsp. shortening
½ tsp. vanilla extract
3 Tbsp. brewed coffee
1 cup chopped pecans

I know you’ll be surprised, people of Bon Temps, that my recipe contains a mix! This has been my dark secret for many years. I’ve always driven to Clarice to make the purchase, so no one would see me. So now you know! If you’re a purist, please use your favorite chocolate cake recipe, providing it’s very moist.
Mix the cake mix and bake in a greased 9 × 13” glass pan, following the box directions.
Cook the dates, water, and sugar in a double boiler for 30–40 minutes. Spread on top of the cooled cake.
While the date mixture is cooling on the cake, mix together the confectioners’ sugar, salt, shortening, vanilla, coffee, and pecans. Spread on top of the cake. Sometimes I use pecan halves to create a pattern to make it look prettier.

Okay that's original recipe. However I didn't have all the ingredients on that list so I tweeked it a bit. And also I cut the amount of confectioners’ sugar back to 1 1/3c. I had cut it back to 1c but put in too much cappuccino and had to put an extra 1/3c in to thicken it back up.

1 package Duncan Hines Marble Fudge Cake Mix
1 package (8 oz.) chopped dates
1 cup water
¾ cup sugar
1 1/3 cups confectioners’ sugar
⅛ tsp. salt
3 Tbsp. butter (I haven't used shortening in years but I did have butter around the house so I swapped).
½ tsp. vanilla extract
3 Tbsp. Cappuccino (I don't even own a coffee machine. Went to a local shop to buy a cup but they were out of coffee for the day and all they had was cappuccino...)
1 cup chopped pecans

In addition to the changes to recipe itself I also changed the way the two toppings were applied. Instead of spreading the date mixture on the cake then spreading the frosting on it and making a jumbled mess on top of the cake I cut the cake in half (think like if you were cutting it two pieces to make a sandwich) and put the date mixture in between the two "layers" then put the frosting mixture on top of the top "layer".

I just ate a piece and I have to admit its not that bad. The cake itself is a bit dry but I think that's because I cooked it too long, not a flaw in the recipe. Like any other cake you can't eat too much at one time but its pretty good. Mind you I don't like so much prep time to make a cake so this won't become a regular part of my cooking rotation. But no bad.

Spiral of Despair

2011-12-22T20:53:00.001-05:00

So I'm taking a break from Star Wars: TOR and catching up on blog reading. I was over at NSWATM when I came across a series on Nice Guys. In part 3 of the series there was a comment that caught my eye.

Schala:
You can’t get relationships because you’re not conventionally attractive? Then the thing to do is obviously to go die in a ditch, right?
RocketFrog:
No, the thing to do is to learn how to be happy without a relationship.

To me that's easier said than done.

As I've talked about here before when it comes to relationships I'm basically 0-Infinity. Yeah its like that.

You see to me, one who has never had anything resembling success when it comes to romance and dating (and one sexual encounter to my name), the idea of learning to be happy without a relationship seems like a cop out. It doesn't feel like the idea of "be happy without a relationship" comes from a place of "this isn't working I'll just move on" but rather a place of "I'm just a terrible person that was a fool to think about wanting to try my hand at relationships".

Now as you can see my conclusion is not quite what RocketFrog came up with. Now by all means this doesn't mean that RF is wrong. In fact I don't even want to get into right vs wrong on this. What I do want to take a moment to note is how different people in the nearly exact same circumstance can come to such different conclusions. Further down my exchange with RF continues:

I know. I am such a person. Throughout my twenties I painfully and embarrassingly attempted to figure out how I could turn myself into something that could be attractive, lovable, and able to function in a romantic relationship. After having spent the better part of a decade in such a condition, I sat down and thought about it for a long time, and concluded that for a creature like myself, expecting romantic success is, in fact, unreasonable – much like aforementioned one-legged asthmatic wishing to win Olympic gold in the 100 meter dash.

I still sometimes feel very lonely, but have discovered that there are some unexpectedly pleasant side effects to opting out of the whole dating racket. I am trying to find my happiness – at least as far as my identity as a gendered creature goes – in that. There is a certain serenity in no longer having to perform in the “how can I turn myself into an attractive, real man” discipline.

Thinking back on my younger days it seems that I didn't really try too hard to figure out what I could do to change into that would make me attractive. No it seems I had given up on trying to fit the conventional idea of these things and went my own way fairly quickly (body image problems will do that do you). Problem is I have a hard time thinking that out of all the people I've crossed paths with the man that I've decided to be has been written off in terms of dating by all of them. Well in the past I had a hard time, I think I went my own way so long ago that I've been thinking on it for long its not that hard to believe anymore.

So where it seems that RocketFrog decided to leave the dating market and then realized that there was relief in not performing a certain discipline anymore I decided on not performing the discipline but then realized that I was out of the dating market after making the leap. But it gets worse.

Even though I don't want to perform the discipline and therefore seem to have been left out of the market I'm still left with the desire to date, have relationships, and have and be a companion. Now consider all that you see of people saying that everyone "is beautiful in their own way" or those who say something to the effect of "there's someone out there for everyone" or various other remarks and phrases meant to give encouragement to people with self esteem issues. Consider how those messages sound to a person who hears this stuff and still strikes out horribly. Or to one that has given up not because they have decided to find happiness elsewhere but because they see that despite there being so many different people with different tastes out there they are still lacking in success.

Now I'm not trying to make a play for sympathy here but I do think this may be worth looking at because I think these feelings are at the border of Nice Guy territory and I think understanding these feelings is a big step in helping such guys not cross that line (and maybe even bring back a few that did cross it). And I'll bet I'm not the only man (or woman) that is trapped in this cycle of dark despair.

So how about it guys (bear in mind I'm not excluding the non-men out there its just that is where my main focus lies)? Have you been lost in these feelings? Are you currently lost in their feelings? How did you overcome them or what did you try to overcome them but didn't succeed?

I wonder if its a Smuggler Thing or a Guy Thing

2011-12-20T09:40:00.001-05:00

So I've been neck deep in Star Wars: The Old Republic (which I will from here on out call TOR) for the last few days. I fucking love that game so much that Skyrim (once I buy it in a few days) will pretty much exist for when I want a break from TOR or my internet is out. But I've been more mindful of things in recent times, things that I probably would not have batted an eye at just a few years ago. Check this out.

Now for those of you not familiar with MMORPGs (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games) you are in the role of a character that is interacting not only with an online world but with other people that are also playing characters in this online world. Well a part of this online world are NPCs. NPCs are Non ~~Playable~~ Player Characters that you may or interact with in order to progress through the game. Most of them are just there as part of the scenery (much like extras in the background of a movie, just there to take up space) however there are certain NPCs that you will interact with in some capacity. This capacity could range from something as simple as talking to something as complicated performing a set of tasks (usually referred to as quests) to something as difficult as killing them (usually also part of questing). Now that that is explained a bit let's move on.

Many online games are set up so that the character (sometimes called avatar or toon) you play is chosen from a list of classes. A class is a archetype with skills, abilities, and talents that usually point to specific roles. For example a mage type class (wizard, sorceress, cleric, etc...) is going to be geared toward magical abilities (also meaning that you won't be much good in an old fashioned knuckle shuffle brawl, hey can't have everything). Sometimes people who play MMORPGs will make choices that would reflect the mentality of their class. Like for instance if you are a mage type class and had to choose between getting an ancient book or an ancient sword you would more than likely choose the book (and chances are you won't even be able to use the sword anyway). Now let's take class related choices to another level.

How about instead of a mage type choosing between an ancient sword or ancient book you and your mage are talking to someone and they mention an ancient sword and an ancient book and you now have the choice of questioning them further about the book or sword? Now with those two choices you have options. Obviously asking about the book would be more fitting for your class BUT if you wanted you could ask about the sword. With classes and choices established let's move on with specifics.

If you are not familiar with Star Wars well my first question is how can you not have at least heard of it? I can understand you know of it but don't like it but never heard of it? Odd. Anyway Star Wars is a science fiction like fantasy story set in a "Galaxy Far Far Away". In the Star Wars universe we have smugglers. Their name is pretty self explanatory. Questionable morality, usually looking out for self, but when around they can be the wild card that can spell victory or defeat. Or Han Solo. The smuggler is one of several classes that you can play as in TOR and along with the gunslinging, smart mouth, and quick thinking comes the desire to charm, flirt, and sweet talk their way past every woman they cross paths with. And sure enough the smuggler class will grant you the opportunity to do just this.

I'm serious. My main is a human smuggler and for almost every single notable woman I've come across so far there has been the opportunity to flirt with them. But I will say that at least its not limited to "eye candy" type women. No no my dear smuggler has had the option to flirt with smart engineers, take no shit secret agents, and even a Senator. So far I've only tried three times and only one of those responded (and to top that off that one was actually in league with the guy that stole my ship at the start of my game). Yeah so along with shooting my way into detention centers (because anyone can break out of jail, try breaking into one), trying to recover stolen cargo with a bounty on my head, and weighing my conscience against my wallet (don't worry my conscience usually wins....) I also get to work on my romance skills.

But something is off.

First name a female smuggler/scoundrel type from the Star Wars universe. Unless you're into the books and comics you more than likely can't (and I'll admit that since I haven't touched a Star Wars book in nearly 10 years I've forgotten any that may exist). So here's my question.

Does the female smuggler have options to flirt with people like the male smuggler?

Now as any of you that pay attention to how gender roles are pressed upon men then you know that when it comes to being a man one of the defining traits of a "real man" is luck with the ladies and the smuggler is an epitome of this. The smuggler is supposed to be suave, smooth talking, and a hit with women. Leaving a trail of broken, cheated, and stolen hearts across the galaxy. Well how does that change if the smuggler is a woman? Would the female smuggler leave a trail of broken, cheated and stolen hearts across the galaxy? Would she have the options to flirt with the same women? Would the trademark charm that's the hallmark of the smuggler suddenly be deleted?

It would be interesting to experiment. Or perhaps someone reading this has rolled (fancy talk for "created") a female smuggler and knows the answer, thus saving me the trouble of running the smuggler's storyline again so soon?

Weekly Mashup Stage 80

2011-12-18T23:51:00.001-05:00

You probably noticed I wasn't around much for the last few days. That's because I started playing Star Wars: The Old Republic. Long story short I FUCKING LOVE THIS GAME!!! Now that I've spent the vast majority of the last 48 hrs playing it (seriously we're talking like 2 14 hour shifts) and gotten the initial fix out of my system back to business. And what makes it so great is that I'm actually having to pull myself away from the game. Its keeping my attention and I actually WANT to play some more rather than just feeling like I'm just going through the usual grind. But anyway.

In an effort to build up the Ethecofem community into a place where any walk of life will feel welcome to come and discuss things we are looking for another regular contributor, preferably of the female persuasion to balance things out a bit, but anyone interested is welcome. We like a variety of viewpoints, experiences, and perspectives. And as always April is on the eternal lookout for guest bloggers as well. If you're interested drop a line at ethecofem[at]gmail[dot]com.

Also feel free to treat this as an Open Thread.

Circumcision is Africa’s best weapon against AIDS: Is it now? I guess they gave up on that whole sex ed thing. Look I ultimately have no problem with adults deciding what to do with their genitals but on the other hand I do have a bit of a problem with pro-circumcision messages become pop culture (Because on the real, 'As I begin to ask him a question, a woman walks toward the pews wearing a bright yellow T-shirt with blue lettering that says: “Want to get smart? Get circumcised.”' T-shirts?). I just wonder if African men are getting the education along with the cuts. As in are they being told that circumcision doesn't grant some immunity from AIDS/HIV and that even after having done they STILL have to be smart and safe about sex.

Apparently Black Hair Products Justify Racial Segregation: Its a damn shame I have to make this reminder but it is what it is. When you put a sign up saying "Whites Only", meaning that space is designated for white people only, you cannot defend that designation without invoking racism.

The New Machismo: Men Can Stop (Insert Horrible Thing): If you want men to "break traditional gender roles" don't try to invoke those same roles when it suits you.

Do You Want Me to Follow You?: Clarissa is rebuilding her blog roll.

How can you not laugh at that?

Good Men Project: I'm way behind on keeping up with that site and it looks like they just had another blow up of posts (looks like this time its another firestorm over feminism in general) so more than likely I'll never fully catch up.

The Lost Boys of Child Prostitution: I know I'm not the only people to notice that (at least in the States) child prostitution may as well be called girl prostitution. No I'm not trying to say that these girls should be ignored but what I am saying is that its a pretty regular occurrence that discussions, talks, stories, etc... on the issue will usually turn up nothing but girl victims. Well it looks like there are more boy victims out there than a lot of people are willing to believe.

WTF??? And yes at 0:28 that is a mom putting her son's hand on her ass as she is making out with him. I'm all for jokes but seriously couldn't they have at least swapped them around so the kids weren't making out with their own parents?

See ya next week!

Hurt by Women and Girls: One Man's Account

2011-12-15T20:51:00.004-05:00

Often times when talking about the issues that plague people we have a tendency to hold up the experiences of those who fit a nice little mold of what those who are harmed are "supposed" to be. We hold these experiences up as the template or the default of what that given issue is all about. The problem with that is when encountered with those who don't fit that nice mold things can get ugly. A person whose experience goes against the established norm can be shunned, pushed away, ignored, and have their lives dismissed. When this happens stories can be lost, cast aside, or pushed to the wayside altogether. This is one such story.

Living life on the far outskirts of traditional periphery, you notice the brilliant symphony of patterns in their streaks and curves, painting a vibrant collage of images teeming with life. At least, that’s how routines and personalities of the common man appear to me with my way of processing information.

But there’s the gritty, grimy side of set patterns; mentalities that knaw away at your resolve, uphold an ostracising status quo. If you’ve been through the brunt of it, the wounds aren’t quick to heal. Worse, you begin to wonder if there is a place out there for your situation.

Looking back on my childhood and teenage years, I was the unfortunate victim of nasty attitudes and abuse from boys and girls, men and women. United with the common goal of making life a living hell, something to survive day-to-day instead of take pleasure in, stripping their emperor’s clothes free and enforcing the goose-stepping conformity that befits the dark side of society.

For nineteen years, there was no escape. I had very little in terms of support to count on, no shelter from the hurt thanks not only to a harsh outside world but a dysfunctional personal safety net already worn and rotting. This nearly drove me to suicide at one point and I was only fourteen when those thoughts took wing in my mind.

Luckily, I had come to terms with most of the abuse. The unfortunate side-effect is I have to live with the wounds and any triggers associated to them, deal with the melodrama.

But I made a grievous error and only considered what one gender inflicted on me while ignoring damage the other dealt in equal measure.

That’s when it all began: Thirty-Two years old, severe anger and sadness bubbling to the top of the pot when recounting what the girls and women accomplished in cutting me down to size. I learned it was a mistake to file it all away and work through the shallow attitudes of those boys and men with no consideration for how the girls and women contributed to it independently.

These include the following experiences:

-At age six, I was diagnosed autistic. In order to be official I had to undergo a series of tests for the mind, hearing and co-ordination at a local general hospital. These came in the form of games tailored to measure and gauge “Normative” criteria. My mother and father would drop me off, leave me in the hands of various counsellors and support workers. Needless to say, it was not a good experience. They screamed at me, put me down for breaking rules, some even grabbing my arms and forcing “normal” motions out of them when I refused to participate in their chosen game or pick something up like a “Normal Boy”. One support worker once burst into the room during a hearing exercise I was doing wrong and became unhinged while I sat and quivered in the chair, shaking; a scared little six year old child. These counsellors and support workers were women.

- In Elementary School, on three occasions, I was attacked by a move of kids outside the rear exit doors. Some were my age, others older. They’d scream and shout into my ear, crowding me in an effort to disorientate my senses. I was lead around in a few directions until groups of hands reached forward and took hold of my pants. I tried to fight them off, but in vain as they yanked my pants down to the ankles then dispersed in gleeful amusement at their handiwork. Girls participated in the deed alongside the boys. I never told anyone about these incidents, not even my mom and dad for it was drilled into them, and me, that my “behaviour” was a problem in need of correction. So who’d believe an autistic “Behaviour Challenged” little boy like me?

-There was a group of girls in elementary school whom took pleasure in teasing me just to get a major reaction. When they succeeded in reducing me to an emotional cripple, they’d sneer and snicker.

-In high school, the young women called me “Weirdo” and “Retard”, mixing amongst the young men’s slurs directed my way in the halls.

-One high school girl, as I was working on a story during spare time in computer class, picked up what had been printed from the printer and read it aloud in a mocking tone. She then ripped it out (properly, though) and wrapped the contents around my body, calling me “Retard” and inducing giggles from others around my station.

-A young man, with his “Clique” of girls and boys, started taunting me while waiting for the school bus to arrive outside after classes were done for the day. Another young woman stood up for me but turned around and criticised me for not using harsh language to repel them. When I told her about my aversion to it, she wouldn’t hear it and joined in the clique and their heckling before leaving me alone at last.

-In high school computer class, we were asked to start a story of our own design then pass it around our station on disk for others to continue. I used a scene from one of my stories I had been working on. When it was returned to me, all my characters were turned into sex-starved, foul-language spewing maniacs engaged in an orgy, including a seven year old girl named Cynthia. So, child rape was ‘amusing’ to them. Again, girls did it with the boys.

-But the biggest experience I recall was having a crush on a girl who sat next to me in computer class. She was struggling with her assignments, getting nowhere. Me being the natural, kind-hearted Samaritan I was decided to assist her. We soon formed a comadre, working together on tasks that stumped us. She was appreciative of the gesture and our relationship soon allowed leeway to whatever was on our minds: life, background, anything went in terms of conversation. It didn’t matter that she had a boyfriend. Friendship was enough for me to accept. Until one day when she tried to force me into a game of “Show me your underwear” she initiated with the others. I refused but she still insisted I do it, goading me on. Again, I refused repeatedly, causing her to lurch forward in an attempt to pull my underwear up herself. I howled in protest, fighting her off. She stopped, sneered, and then laughed with the others.

-Days later, after her betrayal, I considered our friendship over. Walking the halls, I was suddenly thrust up against a row of lockers. Standing in front of me was my former crush’s boyfriend, his hand firmly on my shirt. He told me if I ever spoke to her again, he’d kick my ass. My former crush stood beside him, grinning the whole time.

Just the mere act of typing these horrid events out brings me right back to those times, front row and center. They are as fresh as they were years ago.

I now realized how much damage I accumulated in mind and soul thanks to these cruel females. But support was hard to find.

There were no articles or stories on how girls and women could hurt and bully boys and men. Everything was centered on boys bullying boys, girls bullying girls, and boys bullying girls. Never any examination of what girls and women could accomplish in the cruelty department towards the opposite sex.

Save for one online called “Boys Don’t Tell on Sugar-and-Spice-But-Not-So-Nice Girl Bullies”

In it, men in their late ages recount tales of bullying from girls that left an undeniable impression on them. From what the records say, the torment and harassment was no different from whenever a boy or gangs of boys had a similar appetite for exerting their power.

While very cathartic reading material, the information is severely dated and stuck in the late 90s to early 21st Century. Already the antiquity tarnished its relevance to my current situation.

When you’re a man like me hurt by girls and women as a child, it’s a lonely road with nary a reassuring passerby in sight. Society just can’t seem to wrap its mind around the notion of a girl or a woman hurting a boy or a man. They jump through all sorts of hoops to justify their behaviour -- Mental Illness, influence, they didn’t know any better -- while tarring any boy or man inflicting similar harms.

Doesn’t help that the repeated, popular narratives tend to reinforce what happened to me as irrelevant and my pain refutable compared to the majority of victims.

It happened to me with certain Feminists. These feminists told me, with no scruples, how my privileged status negated whatever I suffered since I benefited from institutionalised sexism as a pure, white male. They put me out to pasture, in the cold, minimising and invalidating the raw trauma and feelings it called up with sentences like “It’s worse for women”, “You’re an anomaly. Boys bully girls and other boys. That’s a fact.” as the less polite charged me with failing to check my privilege.

The only people who supported me when breaking my story out into the mainstream (on the internet, really) were the followers of Glenn Sacks and an assortment of male victims of female abuse at other sites, particularly Jacob Taylor of Toy Soldiers and some at Feminist Critics. I feared not fitting in because my abuse wasn’t of a similar nature compared to their injuries. They still welcomed me and I, in turn, found a commonality of being ignored and ostracised due to the gender of the attacker in our dealings with the mainstream.

As for feminists themselves, the good news is there were some I encountered currently who considered my experiences and didn’t treat me like an oppressor. They left all “Privilege” talk in the closet and validated what happened by telling me “Girls and Women can hurt just like any abusive boy or man.” To them, I was a survivor of serious abuse regardless of the perpetrators but felt it a bitter pill to swallow because their views were labelled “Anti-feminist” or “Sympathetic to MRAs” by the rest.

I’ve waxed enough on this so back to the subject at hand.

There was another consequence of these injuries. To this day, I’m anxious and afraid of assertive women. More of the feared capabilities of assertive women to hurt since I’ve experienced the same hard lined attitudes flouncing me badly as a helpless young man.

Stories in popular culture of strong female protagonists I’m careful to avoid if they’re developed at the expense of the supporting male characters. The latter are either made to be buffoons, ignorant, stupid, or couldn’t lead their way out of a paper bag. For the ones who are as strong as the female protagonist, they’re quickly rendered weak doormats by her aggressiveness, unable to defend themselves or fight back like I couldn’t.

For example, take Pixar’s new animated movie Brave coming out next year. Same formula: Strong, independent female protagonist, buffoonish and simpleton men where their masculinity is exaggerated for a cheap laugh or they’re the fodder for comic relief as the female protagonist is shown to be competent at everything as the men struggle to lift a weapon. It hurt me so much to see an animation company I believed in for their well-rounded characters of both genders and attention to story sell out with such a trite “grrl power” narrative.

As of now, I’m uncertain whether I’ll or not to see the movie as a whole when it reaches theatres.

Whatever your position is in gender debate and equality, you must understand that stories like mine count. You can’t dismiss them. And I don’t care who has it worse or not, dubious statistics included.

I exist and deserve to be heard and supported in equal measure. Casting it all off because of stereotypical notions about girls and women incapable of harm and how it would take away from all those supports that exist out there for females in need lends credence to the isolation men like me don’t deserve to be put through. Life should be about pleasure, not an endurance test everyday where all that matters is survival of the fittest and a tightening of the bootstraps.

With such ignorance still in existence it feels, to me, like humanity never progressed beyond the high school cafeteria. All around, assorted cliques join together at different tables. You sit alone since no will bother to acknowledge you even when you strain to appeal to their sensibilities or they give you the cold shoulder because you’re “Different”.

Switch them with the popular narratives mentioned earlier about bullying and abuse. They’re all talking about their experiences at different tables as related to the subject at hand. You go around sharing your tale of woe only to receive incredulous looks and sniggers of amusement.

Dejected, you sit back at your table in solitude as others pass you by with turned up noses.

The only solace is your tears streaking down, tumbling in slow motion into the food you’re eating. Tasting it reminds you of your humanity because you can taste your sadness, bon appetite.

Please don’t paint over me so I blend into the background where no one can see. The vibrancy is as valid as the everyday patterns I absorb with relish in everyday life.

This is a story that should not dismissed simply because the victim was the "wrong gender". Bullying is something that harms kids of nearly every single walk of life so to go around acting as if some variations of bullying aren't as bad as others is just wrong. First and foremost such attitudes leave a child with limited to no support (thus denying them the opportunity to properly heal and go from victim to survivor). Secondly leaves the bully with a free pass telling them that as long as they do bully certain kids they don't have to worry about being punished (and yes for a girl/woman to get such a pass on bullying, harassing, and probably abusing boys/men is an example of female privilege, don't waste time trying to twist it into the girl/women bully being the victim of sexism). All that does is feed poisonous attitudes that will come back to haunt all of us later.

(You'll notice that I turned off comments. I did so by request. If you absolutely must comment then by all means go to the original posting of this at Good Men Project, the link I gave near the beginning of this post.)

Good Man Indeed Stage 2

2011-12-14T18:43:00.002-05:00

Unity with those like you is an important mechanism.

It gives you a place to belong.

It gives you a sense of security.

It gives you a community that you want to see flourish.

It can literally mean the difference between life and death.

But what happens when it goes too far? What happens when the very group dynamic that once kept you alive stands a good chance of getting you killed? Somalian Adam Mataan believes this line has been crossed and something must be done about it.

Clans form the bedrock of Somali society and identity, but political exploitation of their rivalries has blocked every attempt at peace since Somalia collapsed into war in 1991.

On one hand loyalty to one's tribe is what keeps people alive but when tribal loyalty is hijacked by those who twist it to their advantage terrible things will happen. Basically what it happening is that the desire to assert one's identity has been turned into a game of "Us vs. Them". A game that has had and will have disastrous results. In the face of this self destructive spiral Mataan has joined The Antitribalism Movement (ATM).

Their Anti-Tribalism Movement (ATM), which claims 53,000 followers, aims to eliminate the "spitefulness, discrimination and negativity" he says sectarianism breeds in Somali behavior.

The young people in this movement do not want to see the wars and feuds that have divided the clans and tribes of Somalia continue until the nation itself is destroyed.

What makes this effort a bit different is that its specifically calling out tribalism as a cause of the conflict that plagues them. Unlike the older generation several of the youth believe that these strict divisions are what are tearing them apart.

I think this may be a valid point the ATM is trying to make. War between tribes can lead to nothing but pain and suffering for all involved, except for those that profit from them destroying themselves. Its one thing to have your group that you're loyal to cut that loyalty should never come at the cost of destroying others.

In world that spends so much effort highlighting and bad men of the world to the point that people ask if there are any good men left I have to say that Adam Matann is indeed a good man.

Yes. Oh yes. Oh fuck yes!!!

2011-12-13T08:09:00.000-05:00

Remember a while back I talked about RISUG?

Its a male contraceptive that's been in development and human trials in India for nearly 15 years. And it sounds pretty awesome. Check it!

1. Its a shot administered to each vas deferens (via two small cuts in the scrotum) of a compound that when sperm come in contact with it are rendered unable to fertilize eggs.

2. The shots can be easily undone by a second injection of a compound that neutralizes the first, allowing sperm to fertilize eggs again.

3. Men in India have been using this method for the last 15 years and the prevention rate is nearly 100%. Its effectiveness is apparently better than condoms.

Well I was reading a spot over at Fathers and Families saying that the drug is being brought to the US. Also learned a few more things about the treatment.

4. If not selectively neutralized the compound can last up to 10 years.

5. The compound that's injected is almost as cheap as the syringe its delivered with.

This year the drug will be brought to the US under the name Vasalgel and will begin toxicology testing, and if all goes well animal testing will be next.

Personally I think its got a good shot considering that men in India have been testing it for nearly 15 years, the rate is nearly 100% effective, and its cheap. This is a real shot for men to get a simple, cheap, effective, and reversible method of contraception and give us more options and say so in our reproductive rights.

I like it!

Weekly Mashup Stage 79

2011-12-11T08:08:00.000-05:00

In a few days....

2011-12-10T01:09:00.002-05:00

I'm heading out of town to go see VNV Nation live this coming Monday. There's stuff scheduled up until Monday and I should be back Tuesday meaning you probably won't even notice me gone. But let me give you a sample of what I'm going to hear. See you all next week!

Has the spite towards sexuality gotten that far?

2011-12-07T17:38:00.004-05:00

So last week Emanyea Lockett was suspended for two days for sexually harassing a teacher.

Did I mention that the "sexual harassment" was calling the teacher cute (well Emanyea says he said "cute" but the school is saying he said "fine")?

Oh yeah and Emanyea Lockett is 9 and in the fourth grade.

See the problem?

Now I will be the first to agree that the comment could be deemed inappropriate and there might even be a chance that Emanyea picked that term up from somewhere without fulling understanding it. In fact that's where my money lies. These days something as simple as "cute" can be emulated from just about anywhere from tv, games, music, other people, etc... But his Gaston County school deciding that it was worth a two day suspension? Thankfully the suspension was reversed but what kind of message are we sending?

Has it really gotten to that point where even the smallest hint of something that might be considered sexual is taken as such and harsh punishment is reined upon them? Take this story from a while back (also from NC). Jonathan Prevette was suspended for kissing a girl on the cheek (and supposedly the girl asked for the kiss). Again I can agree that such behavior is inappropriate in that setting even if the girl consented to the kiss. However just sending kids home isn't going to cut it.

What lesson does this teach? On the other hand explaining why such contact is inappropriate (and sneaking in talk about consent) would do these kids much more good and get them ready for when they get out into the world when they will be in situations where such contact is just fine (well assuming they are heterosexual depending on what happens here next May). Show and explain to Emanyea why calling a teacher fine is not okay. Show and explain to Jonathan why kissing the girl, even when she said she wanted him to, may be inappropriate.

Well I guess it'll set them up later for the demonization of their sexuality that is likely to come later.

A "real nigga" you say?

2011-12-07T10:03:00.000-05:00

So a short while ago I dropped a post about DPhill and this XY Movement I've been hearing about. Personally I can't stand the guy's fashion sense but more importantly he's trying to make a statement. A statement that says a man should be free to wear whatever the hell he wants. Good statement right? Well I'm you've heard the "old" saying, "Haters gonna hate."

I'm seeing all kinds of tweet hate coming at this guy:

AllMightyOats: If I ever catch that nigga that started the XY movement .........

Words_Slurred: no no no no i am not supporting this shit you are one of the niggas i hate

WoderrDustin: this nigga @dphillgood a weirdo

So as you can see some real charming remarks.

But here's the thing. Its always been my understanding that a "real nigga" just does his thing and don't be giving a damn what other cats be on right?

If that's the case then why mess with this guy?

DPhill's display of manhood is in no way harming the image of the "real nigga". Its not like he's going around telling them that they aren't "real" if they don't rock tights and lip stick.

If anything he's just showing there is more than one acceptable way to be "real".

There's no way on this good and green earth I'd copy his fashion sense but the message. The message is what's important.

So rock on DPhill, rock on (one small gripe, I've heard some of his music and while not as bad as other rappers I've heard "bitch" a few times here and there).

Being A Man 101: Fashion, Appearances, and Looks

2011-12-05T14:36:00.002-05:00

Pop quiz hot shot.

How does one "dress like a man"?

More than likely even if you don't want to say so you are thinking the usual attire that is associated with men. Fine suits. Lumberjack style flannel. Urban styles. Things that tell the world "I am a man!" right?

What if it didn't matter what a man dressed in?

What if a man were free to dress in whatever he wanted and didn't care what "dressing like a man" called for?

What if the phrase "dress like a man" were tossed to the side for the gender essentialist nonsense it is?

That's what it appears Dallas rapper DPhill Spanglish Man is trying to do.

Being called a pioneer of the XY Movement, DPhill (@dphillgood on Twitter) is hoping to lead the way for men to become confident enough to not just be comfortable with the narrow band of what's acceptable dress and fashion for men but to be confident enough to partake an any and all fashion they wish, including those usually forbidden to those who identify as men.

I like where his heart his. He's showing the world that being a man doesn't have to limit what is okay in terms of attire and looks. Being a man shouldn't translate into "can't wear lipstick" or "can never wear floral print cloths". He's trying to rock that boat and I got much love for that.

As far as I'm concerned this a very bold act of defiance against that old adage, "The clothes make the man." (Example: Mafia are some of the most well dressed people on the planet. You think that suit has any influence on their character?)

I much prefer the idea that "The man makes the clothes." And that's what he is doing. He is being a man on his own terms and he is doing his own damn thing with it comes to fashion and makeup.

(Fro tip to Mark Simpson.)

Link to the main hub for all the Being a Man 101 posts.

Weekly Mashup Stage 78

2011-12-04T09:14:00.000-05:00

In an effort to build up the Ethecofem community into a place where any walk of life will feel welcome to come and discuss things we are looking for another regular contributor, preferably of the female persuasion to balance things out a bit, but anyone interested is welcome. We like a variety of viewpoints, experiences, and perspectives. And as always April is on the eternal lookout for guest bloggers as well. If you're interested drop a line at ethecofem[at]gmail[dot]com.

Also feel free to treat this as an Open Thread.

Revealing Post on Reddit’s “TwoXChromosomes”: Even taking the negativity of that place the folks at Spearhead got me to realize two things with this post. First the presumption that men are violent is pretty bad when a woman can't even have a non DV injury without people making assumptions. Second is the expectation that men are supposed to be "the protector" is pretty much unfocused aggression. Yet people have no problem with that unfocused aggression as long as it suits them.

1st Penn State Abuse Suit Comes From New Accuser:"The first sex-abuse lawsuit filed against ex-Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky comes from a man who says the coach abused him more than 100 times."

Maine DV Establishment Ignores Woman’s Killing of Husband: My money says that Richard Jeskey's death at the hand of his wife Roxanne was not even counted as a DV related death. Some of that stick your head in the sand math where if you don't call it DV then DV didn't happen.

Married to a pedophile:So let me get this straight. The man that witnessed Sandusky raping a boy should be raked over the coals but wives that may know their husbands are abusing children need the consideration that they may have some reason for not speaking up?

Kindle Fire vs. Nook Tablet: which one should you buy?: Trying to decide between the Kindle Fire or Nook Tablet? Ars Technica may be able to help.

Okay I know the guy was pissed but that's just cold.

Life After a Guilty Plea to False Charge: If a 15 year old boy can be punished for a crime that did not happen then why is it so hard to punish a 14 year old girl for a crime that was actually committed?

SciFriday: I'm Not Against 3-D, Just Annoyed By It: After watching the new Harold and Kumar Christmas movie, Green Lantern, Puss N Boots, Resident Evil 4 (the movie of course), Immortals and a few others I have to agree. I missed Avatar in theaters but I have yet to hear anything negative about it was in theaters. These days 3-D is more of a money grabbing gimmick than revolutionary film technology.

Students Speak on Photoshop and Body Image: Personally I don't pay much attention to celebrity and model photos (but I do admit that my own body image is part of the reason for that) but I do think talking about them being photoshopped and how this knowledge affects the body image of people.

Oricon Poll: Views on Turning Anime/Manga into Live-Action: So it looks like America's not the only place where live action adaptations of anime/manga are not received well.

Jewish Intactivism Part II: It would seem that even some members of the Jewish community are starting to speak out against circumcision. Personally I think that's a good thing. (Fro tip to mensactivism.org.)

Student Sparks Debate With Dorm Room Confederate Flag: Like the Swaztika, could the Rebel Flag have been appropriated as a symbol of racial hatred rather than having been created as a symbol of racial hatred?

I'm not sure about the context of that hit however Drew makes good points that need to heeded.

See you next week!

A Good Man Indeed Stage 1

2011-12-03T08:44:00.002-05:00

It pains me to know that if this man had committed some sort of crime or got involved in some major scandal the whole world would know who he is and he'd be all over the media. But since he is a man doing something commendable, speaking up on behalf of children raised by gays, not many people will know who he is or what he said.

A good man indeed Zach Wahls, a good man indeed.

Secret Circle Book 1 Review

2011-12-02T06:32:00.001-05:00

(I'm going to be talking about the first Secret Circle book and the tv show. Tread accordingly.)

After watching the Secret Circle tv series I spent a bit of time digging up the trilogy of books by L. J. Smith the series is based on and recently finished the first book.

Wow.

First off get ready to get our world rocked if you ever read those books because A LOT of stuff was changed.

As I said before Melissa is not in the books but after reading Book 1 I can see that she appears to be an attempt at trying to make an amalgamation of some of the other girls in the circle (I'll get to that in a bit). You see in the books Faye has two minions that are pretty much that. Bad attitude girls that hang on Faye's every whim. However Diana also has two girls that kinda latch onto her as well. It seems that Melissa is an attempt to give Faye a lackey while at the same time making her somewhat on good terms with Diana (which may be on the way to being sour according to the last episode before the winter break). And I think that this may have something to do with why Melissa is such a blank slate character.

About the only storyline she's had so far is she was Nick's fuck buddy (more on that in a bit), she was possessed by a demon, and just before the break she appears to be heading for a showdown with Diana over her cousin (finally a man of color that's not just there to give some info and then die in a display of someone's power). Diana and Adam broke up on the show and Melissa is worried that her cousin will become Diana's rebound guy. Not a whole lot as you can see. But her being an amalgamation doesn't explain it all.

As far as I can tell so far there is only one person of color so far in the books and that's Sally. Yes the Sally that was tossed over the balcony early in the show is a girl of color (which BTW in the book the balcony is a hill and while Faye does push her Cassie saves her from actually taking what would have been a fatal fall). In the books we find out she's descended from the West Indies to be exact.

So yeah almost shut out on the character of color font.

GLBT shut out so far as well.

As for gender its pretty unexpected I admit. In the circle the girls seem to be divided between Diana and her two friends and Faye and her two friends with Cassie in the middle. The conflict between Diana and Faye (who are cousins BTW) is one of the central points. A power struggle between two girls that doesn't center around a boy (well sort of but its not the main point of contention), you don't see that very often. The guys in the circle, who seem to be kept in check by Adam seem to be more subdued and don't take much center spotlight, except for Adam but mind you he doesn't make a formal appearance until late in the first book.

Now onto what's different.

Diana - First off in the books she blond and her character is portrayed as way more angelic like than in the show. In fact the cover art of the first book that I have actually has her wearing a robe that looks like something straight out of the Greek Pantheon. At school she, and the circle as a whole, seem to inspire quite a bit of admiration from the rest of the student body. Well most of the student body. And like her tv show counterpart he father seems to be the one parent that's still alive, but he never appears as he is always off "working at his law firm".

Faye - This girl was toned down for the show. Early on in the book she lures Cassie to a secluded spot in an attempt scare and harass her. Unlike the suspicion she hold Cassie when first meeting Faye actually comes with outright hostility. Also she seems to have no problem sexually harassing boys. As for the circle she doesn't just want the the circle to not be bound for the sake of keeping her individual power. Its more like she's willing to let the circle remain unbound because she despises Cassie so much, that and she also wants to take over leadership of the circle from Diana. By the end of the first book (especially with the bind she puts Cassie in) Faye goes beyond mean, passed jerk, and could very well become a villain later on.

Adam - As with the show Adam is dating Diana and as I said above he seemed to have a bit of a reign on the guys in the circle. However different from the emo brooder vibe he gives off (and I can't help but seem some Angel in him, mmmmmmmm....Angel) in the book he is actually a red head that is pretty straight forward and seems to be the take no shit from nobody type.

Nick - First off you know how Nick treats Melissa in the show? Used her for a fuck buddy and the closest thing to an act of merit he performed before being killed was try to push her away? Erase that shit none of that happens. And I don't mean he didn't do that to Melissa because she's not in the books. No he didn't treat any of the 7 girls in the circle in that manner. In the first book all he pretty much does is drink a beer, sit in silence, and have a quick but heated word exchange with Adam. That's it. I guess in exchange for turning down Faye's jerkishness they turned his on and then cranked it up. I guess the idea of a guy that looks like a rebel without a cause that doesn't engage in toxic masculinity is too much for people to fathom.

Cassie - Unlike the other four witches that are in both the book and show Cassie seems to be the most intact. When she first goes to her new high school a lot of time spent on her nervousness about moving. Her relationship with Diana seems to have been turned down a notch or two. Unlike the show where they are friends in the book is more like they become sisters (in fact Cassie even labels their friendship in just that manner, as if Diana were the big sister she always wanted).

Now aside from the five of them there is also a matter of the circle being 12 rather than 6. The five above, Melissa and:

Melanie and Laurel: Good natured girls that side with Diana in matters related to the circle.

Deborah and Suzan: Not so good natured girls that side with Faye in matter related to the circle.

Chris and Doug: A pair of mischievous twins that while they can usually be swayed to side with Faye don't appear to harbor any true ill will.

Sean: A pretty nervous guy that seems to only be there because he's got witch blood in him.

Not only the characters themselves were changed but some of the setting itself was altered. For instance in the book all the kids in the circle live on the same road. This is due to them all being descended from the original 12 founders of the town of New Salem. School life seems to be downplayed a bit. From the halls, to the classrooms, to even (or especially) the lunch room. At school they are collectively known as "The Club" and are actually the in crowd at school. Other kids look up to them, want to be them, want to be with them. This becomes evident when newcomer Cassie comes along and gets a cool reception at first but once she's joins the circle her popularity sky rockets.

So as you can see the books and the show are very different animals. But if you're willing to look past the -isms going (and I'm not saying you have to or should be expected) on then I think you're in for a real treat.

I'll be back after I finish book 2.

The Nightingale, Moving Though Time, to Audrey's Dance

2011-11-30T09:45:00.000-05:00

Yes its the end of the month so its that time again. I've been rolling on Twin Peaks soundtracks lately so I'll share some Julie Cruise and Angelo Badalamenti.

The Nightingale.

Moving Through Time.

Audrey's Dance.

Til Next Month!!!

Gender Symmetry Table (v1 no doubt)

2011-11-29T07:50:00.005-05:00

Things have been pretty hectic and I'll be honest I kinda sorta forgot to come back and post this. Trying to bear in mind some of the feedback from last time I'm going to give the table a try.

Now as last time this is by no means an attempt at an all exhaustive listing of every single instance of symmetry in relation to gender. Or at least I can't do that on my own (frankly no one person could). Nor is it meant to be a scoreboard to point at when trying to say that one side doesn't have it as bad as the other. Instead this is meant to get people thinking about what needs to be worked on.

So I present to you the Gender Symmetry Table v1!

The first column (from the left) are the expectations of, the second column are the expectations, and the final two columns are variations of those expectations (this would be where iintersectionality would fit).

Gender Symmetry Table
Men are expected to be the external provider.*	Women are expected to be the internal provider.*	Working class men are expected to work demanding jobs which take even more time away from their family.	Working class women are expected to be internal and external providers when the need arises.
Men are expected to sacrifice time with the family for the sake of career.	Women are expected to sacrifice career for the sake of time with the family.
Men are expected to be external providers in order to verify their manhood.	Women are expected to be internal providers in order to verify their womanhood.
When men try to break their expected gender role by spending time with the family ulterior motives are suspected (ie, "he's only around children so he can molest them", "what kind of man stays at home with the kids?")	When women try to break their expected gender role by spending more time on a career ulterior motives are suspected (ie, "she must not have a man in her life", "what kind of woman works outside the home?")
Women are segregated into lower-paying jobs. (by Ampersand)	Men are segregated into more dangerous jobs. (by Ampersand)
Males** are expected to be overflowing with sexual knowledge no matter what, lest their masculinity be questioned.	Females** are expected to be lacking in sexual knowledge at all costs, lest their femininity be questioned.
Males are expected to be overcome with a never ending desire for sex with any and all women.	Females are expected to lack sexual desire until a male ignites their desire for them.
Women are discouraged from initiating contact. (by Ampersand)	Men are expected to initiate contact. (by Ampersand)
Females are unfairly believed to indicate their sexual desire with clothing and behavior. (Hence the "how she was acting with that guy" and "how she was dressed" slut shaming of female victims.)	Males are unfairly believed to indicate with sexual desire by being male. (Hence the idea that males are always consenting to sex therefore there is no way to rape a male.)
Men are expected to not show emotion; men showing emotion are considered weak and vulnerable. (by Desipis)	Women are expected to show emotion; women not showing emotion are considered cold and uncaring. (by Desipis)
Men are considered to be emotionally independent; men requiring emotional support (especially from someone other than a sexual partner) are considered weak and vulnerable. (by Desipis)	Women are considered to be emotionally supportive of others; women not emotionally supportive are considered cold and uncaring. (by Desipis)
Women are expected to be experts on children and childrearing. (by Ampersand)	Men are assumed to be dullards on children and childrearing. (by Ampersand)
A woman who doesn't "feminize" her appearance by shaving legs, wearing makeup, styling hiar, etc., may be shamed. (by Ampersand)	A man does "feminize" his appearance in the same ways may be shamed. (by Ampersand)

* - External provider being one who works outside the home and Internal provider being one who works inside the home.

** - I'm using males/females in place of having to spell out men/boys and girls/women constantly.

Weekly Mashup Stage 77

2011-11-28T00:58:00.000-05:00

The Adventures of Uncle Danny Ep. 1

2011-11-26T21:22:00.003-05:00

Okay as you may know I dread the idea of having kids. This dread sky rocketed tonight.

I'm up visiting my brother today at his place and my sister came into town as well. Long story short at about 6pm I was on my way to taking my 3 nieces (12, 12, 7) out to Adventure Landing (something like a Chucky Cheese, Celebration Station, Dave and Buster's, etc...).

My heart rate shot up at the thought of having being their guardian for a few hours. Every worst case scenario shot through my head like I just knew something bad was going to happen. Thankfully nothing bad happened. They played some games for a while (and got to see their uncle play DDR), grabbed some shakes (Cook-Out owns your face), and headed back.

But one thing tripped me out about the whole ordeal.

You see they wanted to go there in order to have a chance to spend more time with me.

For reasons I recently covered that doesn't register well with me.

Now its true that I don't see them often (in fact one of the 12 year olds lives in Texas so I'm lucky to see her more than once every 2-3 years) but even with that in mind I don't understand why they want to spend time with me. I'm an emotionally dying eternal sad sack. What kid wants to be around that?

Oh well disaster didn't happen so I guess its a good thing and I should let sleeping dogs lie.

But I stand by my word when I say that Uncle Danny has no desire to become Daddy Danny.

Things I learned/noticed/discovered at Anime USA

2011-11-25T12:17:00.000-05:00

So this past weekend I went to Anime USA. Its the first anime convention I've been to in seven years and I was surprised that I was pretty much I fit right in despite being out of touch with that part of me for so long. Like really the only catching up I had to do was over the fact that the cosplayer scene had changed a lot due to the anime/manga that are hot now were either obscure or non existent seven years ago. And even then there were still plenty of folks representing the past (I saw a fricking Duo Maxwell, a female Duo Maxwell but in the world of anime we don't care about stuff like that).

1. I went to a Host Club. Originally I went for the relative quiet (like any convention anime cons can get quite loud and overwhelming, and I'm not the young overenergized punk I used to be) but took some time to check out the hosts and while they weren't much to my tastes I like the idea. There was also a Maid Cafe but it was earlier during the day when I was going to panels.

2. Speaking of panels they have come a long way since I remember. In the past it was all about just showing appreciation for the shows and manga and movie but now people are getting downright analytical about it.

For instance in one panel the panelists were psychoanalyzing various anime characters. Two conclusions were made. Vegeta from Dragonball Z fits all 9 DSM-IV criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Rurouni Kenshin (from the series of the same name) may exhibit some symptoms of PTSD its debatable that he suffers from it.

In another panel the panelist used Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood for an examination of race relations, morals, and ethics. Good stuff. Even the part where a woman shouted, "May needs to die!" (For perspective May is a five year old girl from Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood.)

3. Which speaking of getting analytical about things this weekend in those panels I was finally able to form a thought that's been in the back of my mind for a long time. Examination of masculinity in anime is long overdue. The target audience of a lot of anime that comes to the States is male so why not take a look at how that plays out?

4. In a panel called "7 JRPGs that are better than FF7" I got to do something I thought I'd never get to do. Near the end someone asked, "Where's FF8?" I actually got to stand up and proclaim, "Maannn, FUCK Final Fantasy 8!!!!" And yes I got the same reason Cedric the Entertainer did when he used that line in The Barbershop.

5. Hi-Chew is one of the greatest candies ever made. Full Stop. In fact I'm going to order a box of this to go with the gift I'm giving to the woman whose name I drew for Secret Santa at work. She can't eat chocolate so she puts away a lot of fruit flavored candy.

6. There's a lot of anime that I need to go back in time and watch. Namely I need to look up Gainax's library (because if nothing else if you can't have a discussion about masculinity and anime without talking about Shinji Ikari, meaning I'll be rewatching Evangelion soon).

7. I picked up Gankutsuou: The Count of Monte Cristo from the dealer's room. Will be watched.

8. Went to one dealer that was selling yoai fan art and was shocked to see absolutely no Yumichika (from Bleach) art. How can you have yoai art and not have any of a guy that has a reputation of being obsessed with beauty? Seriously he's too the 5th rank position in his squad because the (kanji) character for 4 is ugly.

9. Once I move and have more space I am so going to start cosplaying. I'm thinking to start off either Mr. Tessai from Bleach, Kankuro from Naruto Shippuden, or Sig Curtis from Fullmetal Alchemist.

10. The friends I ran with this time have already stated their desire to hit up Katsucon this coming February.

All in all it was a blast and I'm pumped and want to do it again.

When Fan Service goes too far

2011-11-23T08:32:00.000-05:00

Fan Service: As the name implies fan service is the servicing of fans. In the context of anime and manga fan service is putting something into an anime and/or manga just for the sake of servicing fans.

Now that that is out of the way let me tell you about High School of the Dead.

In what could be present day Japan out of nowhere zombies appear and start to attack innocent civilians. The events of High School of the Dead center around Takashi, Rei, and their five companions as they cut, bash, drive, shoot, and run their way to safety.

Its a simple sounding story that you would think was just thrown together to score on the recent interest in zombie fiction. But truthfully its a pretty good work. In addition to the hordes of undead that make the back drop we also have the personal issues of the characters trying to fight their way to freedom. All in all it works really well (except for Takagi, with the way she treats everyone especially Hirano, I truly wish that pink haired know it all would die, violent preferably). But there's one small problem.

Well actually several problems.

Truthfully they aren't that small (but that's not the issue in and of itself) and the way they come up isn't that small either.

Remember what I said about fan service? High School of the Dead is plagued by it.

Here is a link to the first half of the first episode. Go check it out and come back. Don't worry I'll still be here.

Oh you're back already? That was fast.

Did you see what I was talking about? If you didn't (and honestly the only valid reason you didn't see is because you either could not or did not watch it) then I'll inform you. That show is riddled with tit and panty shots.

I mean damn I can get with some fan servicing because ultimately shows are made for fans and a show with no fans will fail. But goodness there are parts in this series where the shots are gratuitous well past the point of making sense.

Now don't get me wrong I'm not trying to say that any show that has any such shots is bad. Physics accounts for some of that stuff because truthfully tits do jiggle sometimes and if a girl in a skirt moves a lot (especially with all the running and fighting these girls do) yes they will fly up. On the other hand its pretty obvious a lot of those shots are there for the sake of being there, not because they would happen naturally or just throwing in a little extra for the fans.

I'm not trying to argue against sexually explicit material or anything. Its just that the way this was done I think its a pretty strong display of thinking that boys (the target audience of this and a lot of anime) are so low brow that we can't get into something without sexualizing girls.

Damn shame that is.

I'm back!

2011-11-22T20:30:00.002-05:00

I actually got back in ~~Sunday night~~ Monday morning (at nearly 4am) but I had to take my dad to the doctor for a followup yesterday and it was back to work today.

Got a few spam comments but other than that all seem's to have been well while I was gone.

We now return you to your regular scheduled programming.

I find his lack of faith disturbing...

2011-11-21T07:45:00.000-05:00

Oh Shatner done fucked up now.

Carrie Fisher responds.

As Fisher opens with they are two different things. If you want to see some shit that might be real in 2 or 3 centuries then watch Star Trek. If you want engaging characters that you actually care about then watch Star Wars.

Simple as that.

Weekly Mashup Stage 76

2011-11-19T07:13:00.000-05:00

So which is it?

2011-11-18T14:37:00.002-05:00

Cosplay:

short for "costume play",[1] is a type of performance art in which participants don costumes and accessories to represent a specific character or idea. Characters are often[2] drawn from popular fiction in Japan, but recent trends have included American cartoons and science fiction. Favorite sources include manga, anime, tokusatsu, comic books, graphic novels, video games, hentai and fantasy movies.

Any entity from the real or virtual world that lends itself to dramatic interpretation may be taken up as a subject. Inanimate objects are given anthropomorphic forms and it is not unusual to see genders switched, with women playing male roles and vice versa. There is also a subset of cosplay culture centered around sex appeal, with cosplayers specifically choosing characters that are known for their attractiveness and/or revealing (even explicit) costumes.

Ah the wonderful art of cosplay. The chance to dress up as a fictional character, show off our costuming skills, and just have fun in ways you can't in your "normal" attire.

But enough of that I just gave you the definition so my question wouldn't sound like it came from left field. I'm going to show you an image of a person cosplaying and I want to know what you think. Ready? Go!!!

To clarify this woman here is cosplaying the character Misty from the anime Pokemon. I got a link to this from a Facebook group I'm a part of and someone brought up how disturbing it is for a someone to think that a child is "hot" (for the record the character Misty is in her early teens). While that is certainly a possibility (and there are people out there with such sick thoughts) I wonder if its actually a matter of getting to see a grown woman wear skimpy clothing.

Hear me out. I don't think its outside the realm of possibility to say that someone could look at that picture and think that the woman dressed as Misty is attractive and likes the thought of her in such clothing (also for the record Misty's breasts are nowhere near that large, yes for those of you not in the know not all anime girls/women have massive boobs that defy physics).

Now there is one pitfall to bear in mind here and I bet some of you may have even considered it.

"But Danny how do we know that a given cosplayer is an adult or not?"

Truth be told without some dead giveaway we don't. But does that mean that a cosplayer should be assumed to be too young and therefore all sexual thoughts are off limits?

What do you think?

(Oh and if you're not into women feel free to ponder this picture of L from the anime Death Note. I'm not sure if that's a woman cosplaying him but L is a teenage boy so finding him attractive should still satisfy the questions I ask above about Misty.):

Going to Anime USA

2011-11-17T18:32:00.002-05:00

Alright folks I'm about to head off to VA for Anime USA. My first anime convention since Otakon 2004. I have stuff scheduled until Monday and I plan to be back by then.

Take it easy.

(Oh and if you're reading this and are going to be there to just drop a comment here so I'll get the notification and we might be able to meet.)

Who knew I had been in Utopia for so long?

2011-11-17T11:22:00.000-05:00

So I told you I've been digging Goldfrapp recently right? Well I just noticed something. I was listening to Cafe del Mar volume 8 and came across a track that sounded very familiar. Check this out.

Little did I know this is a different version of a song that I've gotten into lately.

I know right? I had this song right in my collection for a little over 3 years not even knowing I actually now had 2 versions of the same song. Love them both. Enjoy.

So about that attempted rape in the new Harold and Kumar...

2011-11-15T05:44:00.000-05:00

(I'm talking about the new Harold and Kumar Christmas movie. Well one specific scene to be exact. And its an attempted rape scene at that. Tread carefully.)

Yeah you heard me.

After being drained from sleeping in a hospital waiting room all week I needed a release so I decided to hit up the movie theater to catch something. Well when I got there the only thing that was playing anytime soon was the new Harold and Kumar Christmas movie (I was hoping to see Three Musketeers but its dropped in popularity and only played once that day, hours before I got there). I hadn't seen the second one but loved the first one so I went for it.

To put it quickly the film takes sometime after the second movie (Guantanamo Bay) and Harold has married Maria, moved out to the suburbs, and are trying to start a family (I have to admit I laughed when early in the movie Maria tells Harold to, "Fuck a baby into me!"). On the other hand Kumar doesn't seem to have changed much and is still a lazy pothead. Out of the blue Kumar gets a package labeled to Harold. He hesitates taking to him but does in the end. Long story short Kumar burns down Harold's tree (which is actually his father in law's, played by Danny Trejo) and the rush is on to find a replacement tree.

On one of their stops they end up at a party with one of Kumar's friends who is there to have sex with an online friend and the hope that they can get her Christmas tree for Harold. Well when said friend goes up to the bedroom to have sex with is online friend (who by the way is named Mary and she's a virgin...) he realizes that her father is a rather notorious mob boss. Here's where things go bad.

He tries to stop having sex with her but with her top of him she refuses to get off. Not only does she refuse to let him go but she reached under the covers and attempts to for his penis into her vagina (he complains that he can feel her nails digging into him). From what I gather he is able to get away from her before being raped and runs downstairs in his underwear. What does she do? She storms down after him mad and declaring that someone is going to fuck her tonight. At which point she grabs Harold and tries to take his pants off of him right in the middle of everyone.

You see the angle is that no guys will have sex with her because her dad's a mobster but she is anxious to have sex.

Now I can understand really wanting to have sex and I can imagine that it would be terrible to not be able to find a sex partner for reasons beyond one's control. But none of that really justifies forcing someone to have sex against their will.

You can call the guy a jerk, coward, or whatever for not wanting to have sex with a mob boss' daughter but its his choice to not have sex. Being a sexually attractive virgin that is anxious to have sex doesn't override the fact that the guy doesn't want to do it. And even if Harold weren't married there's nothing wrong with him not wanting to have sex with her either.

And I really don't appreciate how its being used as a comedy device either.

Raping guys or attempting to rape guys doesn't suddenly become funny when the rapist/attempted rapist is a horny woman.

The only good touches for men are sexual?

2011-11-14T07:23:00.000-05:00

I've been on a bit of a self diagnostic kick lately and have been reminded of another part of me that's probably a bit lacking.

Last week titfortat told me:

You can a have a Massage at our wellness clinic(on the house). It sounds like you could use one. :)

To which I responded with:

That's another one of my oddities. I don't do a whole lot of that human contact stuff. Its not that I have a phobia or anything that limits it it just doesn't happen.

Well I was going to revisit this later on but Ozy's touched on it a bit so now's as good a time as any.

Virginal men, especially if they don’t have romantic relationships, are often touch-starved. There is one acceptable way for men to get touched: sexually. Casual cuddles with friends are Not Allowed. Woo, homophobia!

For the most part growing up with the script of being a man shoved down our throats most of us were raised with some odd messages with regards to touch. When we're young touching is fine among family but even that has a shelf life (I'm betting I'm not the only one that kinda shied away from physical contact with even my parents as I hit my teen years). Once the teen years hit it seems that out of nowhere the only acceptable type of touching is in a romantic or sexual way. Well for those of us who are not touching or getting touched in those "appropriate" ways things can get pretty lonesome.

As I was telling titfortat in the comments of that post I've never had a massage before. Well it actually goes beyond laying on a table wrapped in a towel and getting rubbed down. In a short bit of thinking I can only count 2 times in my life that I've ever been touched in a massaging manner in a non professional setting. Hell the only time I hug people is when the other person reaches for me first.

But anyway when it comes to being a man and touching it just seems that that, like most other, line of emotional support is forbidden to us as a part of how we are conditioned to fulfill our role in The System. No we are supposed to rock hard stoic creatures in order to charge forth and do all that we can to make The System stronger (namely in the way of labor as external providers). Because really what kind of "real man" would look for emotional support when should be out there making some faceless power structure more money that it knows what to do with (well at least it knows not to actually include the people whose backs were broken for that profit).

Maybe that's the point of "allowing" us touching for sexual and romantic purposes. A little outlet so that we don't get totally touch-starved, as Ozy says. Well when tying the only "appropriate" touching to something like relationships and sex that leaves a lot of guys hanging. Guys who just don't feel like being in relationships. Guys who do have little to no success in relationships. Guys who aren't interested in relationships with women (because let's face it even among "appropriate" touching for guys gay guys still get pissed on in terms of displays of touching and affection). Guys who are soul crushingly shy when it comes to expressing desire for affection.

Come on I know I'm not the only thinking about touching and guys (okay some of us may be thinking about touching guys right now but that's cool too). Don't be scared to share.

Weekly Mashup Stage 75

2011-11-13T22:02:00.002-05:00

Finally...

2011-11-11T22:38:00.002-05:00

After sleeping in a hotel for a week and working at a different branch I was finally able to bring my dad home from the hospital today. He had his gall bladder removed (which the surgeon later said was on the verge of shutting down) and all seems to be well.

Now its time to catch up on things I missed.

If you see someone who wore the uniform, thank them

2011-11-11T10:53:00.004-05:00

Today is Veteran's Day. A day to honor those who have fought to defend our country over the course of its relatively short history.

So to all the folks who put on the uniform to say, "I am offering my life to protect yours.", Thank You.

What in the hell happened with Uncharted 3?

2011-11-11T05:15:00.000-05:00

(I'm going to be talking about the Uncharted series of video games for the Playstation 3 gaming system. I will be spoiling the hell out of them so tread carefully.)

Over the last few weeks I've been watching playthroughs of the Uncharted series of games. Well earlier today I finished off Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception. Don't get me wrong the game is good but it disappointed me on two major points.

The second title in the series, named Among Thieves, a new character named Chloe is introduced. She's a thief with a history of working with Drake and she manages to survive Among Thieves in order to appear in the final installment, Drake's Deception. Well she's in the game for about 2/3 of it and out of nowhere she just decides the stakes are too high and leaves. I was at least hoping that she would appear at the end of the game just to show that she was still alive, cared about he rest of the crew or something. No she just vanishes. A character by the name of Charlie Cutter who is introduced in Drake's Deception suffers the same disappearing fate. No mention, no last minute appearance (although to be fair his last appearance ends with him breaking his leg). But that's not what really grated my nerves.

Just to set things up let me tell you how the main villains died the first two times around. In the first title, Drake's Fortune, the main villain met his end by inhaling a dust that causes one to mutate and being shot when charging his right hand man (said right hand man got him to inhale the dust, knowing what would happen). The main villain of the second game, Among Thieves, is killed by being mauled to death by a sect of warriors charged with defending a tree whose sap grants super powers.

Now these deaths sound a lot like something straight out of an Indiana Jones movie right? Some f'd up way to go out followed by the main characters riding off into the sunset. Guess how the main villain dies in Drake's Deception. She drowns in quicksand.

You caught that right? I said SHE. Yes the main villain in the third installment is a woman. A woman that, just like the two villains before her, has no problem with killing people and thinks she is above everyone else.

I would really hate to think that the folks at Naughty Dog didn't write her demise to be so relatively harmless just because she's a she but when compared to the previous two I can't help doing so.

Now don't get me wrong the game isn't all that perfect in terms of how it deals with women. This main villain is only the third major female character to be introduced in the series, and she dies leaving us with two (although to be fair even if you count Cutter there are only three major male characters). But I don't think a lack of female characters should justify giving them a less gruesome death.

But I will say in terms of action and keeping you the edge of your see the games are pretty damn nice. And speaking of Indiana Jones I'll go as far as to say that these games are what an Indiana Jones game should be.

I'll give it 4 Witty Remarks out of 5.

Book Review: Percy Jackson and The Olympians

2011-11-10T10:01:00.000-05:00

(I'm talking about the Percy Jackson books and will be spoiling them. Tread carefully.)

So a few days ago I knocked out the last two entries in the Percy Jackson and The Olympians books (series of 5) by Rick Riordan and I figure I'll take a chance to brush up on my review skills.

The Percy Jackson series is set in modern day United States (the characters travel all over the country) but in this setting the Greek gods have not completely faded into the realm of myth but continue to live on and are still up to the same tasks and tricks they were up to during height of the Ancient Greece. And speaking of tasks (and tricks) it would seem that there is one trick that really gets this series going.

You see just as in the distant past gods and goddesses of the Greek Pantheon had children by mortals. Such children are known as demigods or half-bloods. And like their divine parents these children possess powers that are far beyond mere mortals. Well I'm sure you can imagine that children with such powers must be properly cared for or bad things will happen. And that is the purpose of Camp Half Blood.

Similar to the Xavier School for the Gifted, Camp Half Blood is a summer camp that exists to show demigods how to use their abilities. Well that's not all truth be told. Just as the gods and goddesses still roam the earth today so do many of the monsters, terrors, and threats that we regard as myth and legend. And such things can be very perilous for children who are not equipped to fight them.

Enter Percy Jackson. A young boy who is about to find out that he is not just some random delinquent. No he is a son of the mighty sea god Posiedon, and danger is approaching. With the help of a young satyr by the name Grover Percy makes his way to Camp Half Blood where he learns of The Great Prophecy, and unravels his role in a battle that will determine the fate of the world.

All in all I liked the books. Similar to other fictional characters who are destined for greatness (coughcoughcoughHarryPottercoughcoughcough) Percy has best friends (Grover and Annabeth, daughter of Athena), bullies (Clarisse, daughter of Ares), and outright enemies (Luke, son of Hermes). Also like our magical friend Percy must fight under conditions that even the adults in his life may consider insurmountable. But I must say that I think these books offer a better mixing teen life with the main content of the story (personally I think Rowling doesn't mix in enough teen life and Meyer uses too much).

Riordan also does a good job of injecting classic tales into the modern world. The Labyrinth of the Minotaur? Its an underground maze that stretches across the entire US. Mount Olympus? The home of the gods and goddesses will move throughout the ages to the "center of civilization", therefore it hovers over New York City, on the 600th floor of The Empire State Building. The island where Odysseus and his men wasted away several years drinking and partying without noticing the passage of time? Its portrayed as a casino in Las Vegas where those trapped inside are free to eat, drink, and play for eternity and will never experience the passing of time (our heroes meet a pair of 12 year old twins, who have been in there since the early 1940s). And making Ares, god of war, a leather clad biker? Brilliant.

And don't think that only the sunny side of a hero is shown. There are quite a few occasions where heroes are portrayed as selfish and callous towards others. Remember the story about the Labor of Hercules where he had one day to clean out a set of stables that had not been cleaned in 30 years? Well in book 4 Percy takes on the task as part of deal for aid and marches down to a nearby river to clean them in the same manner Hercules did (in fact they haven't been cleaned since Hercules did it, which would have been centuries ago). However he is stopped dead in his tracks by the spirit of the river and she was NOT happy. She was mad and promptly told him off how Hercules talked her into using her river last time and how the massive amount of manure poisoned the river and made her sick for decades (but worry not she did give him a clue to another way to complete the task). Showing that gods, and their children are not perfect creatures.

One other thing that I really liked about the series is how the story is told. The story is told like Percy is narrating a flashback. Also I love the sense of humor and casual nature of Jackson's attitude. He could be staring down the barrel of a beatdown from an angry daughter of Ares or about to drop a few hundred feet or about to mauled by a mythical creature, he still has the time for witty commentary. And I love the chapter naming.

One last thing. If you are touched by the subject of rage, revenge, and the pain associated with them then this book can actually get pretty powerful at times (especially the last 2 books).

Unfortunately the series is not perfect.

First off I understand that being based off of Greek myth the vast majority of the characters are going to be white but from what I can tell there were damn near no people of color throughout the entire series? (It is worth noting that while Grover's character art would make you think he would be played by a guy with red hair his role was actually played by Brandon Jackson, a black guy in the 2010 adaptation of the first book, The Lightning Thief.)

There's a matter of its use of dyslexia. The learning disability is a manifestation of a demigod's brain being hard wired toward Ancient Greek, not English. Meaning that when they read English in the back of their minds they are trying to read it as Ancient Greek and modern medicine interprets this as dyslexia. Not sure how I feel about an actual learning disability used like that in literature (mind you I am not dyslexic so I can't really speak on this with any definitiveness).

When it comes to having to prove oneself in regards to sexism I think it falls short a bit. Early on in the series Ares, despite his daughter Clarisse's great accomplishments such as being leader of the Ares children who attend Camp Half Blood, shows his contempt for her being a girl. In fact at one point when Clarisse fails a task Ares literally says something to the effect of, "I bet one of my sons could have done it.". Now that's not the problem I have with this because such sexism is indeed real (but rest assured Clarisse gets busy in the final battle by killing a creature that was closing to killing all the heroes, including Percy). My problem is that there was really no reference to how boys are regularly expected to prove their manhood. With Greek myth being the source material you would think that this would come up a lot and be more direct but its not. And remember what I said about how heroes are not always portrayed in the best light? Yeah that's the exclusive province of men (feeding the myth of the moral superiority of the female).

There was pretty much a GLBT shut out on this one too.

In the end I liked the series. It does suffer from many of the failings that are commonly seen in today's literature but I think it does a good job of blending past myth with the present world and readers (regardless of age) could possibly learn some good lessons from reading this series. I won't call them a must read but rather a very good read. I give it 3.5 Riptides out of 5.

Alright I'm off to go read the Secret Circle Trilogy. Take it easy!

That's what I'm talking about

2011-11-08T09:40:00.000-05:00

You know I want to see fathers succeed in being parents. You also know that a lot of people say they want fathers to do their part. You also know that a lot of those same people will turn blind eye and deaf ear to the very fathers that are trying take on the responsibility of being a father, if not contribute to the denial of them doing so. That's why I'm a bit glad (a bit more glad that the folks I'm borrowed this link from) to see that New Zealand is actually offering courses for teen dads.

This is a good example of just what responsible dads in the States should be getting. They should be getting help, not scorn followed by hypocritical whining about men needing to "step up".

I wonder if there is something in the States like this...

Well it is my birthday and all...

2011-11-06T11:17:00.003-05:00

Okay so I'm settled in the hospital with dad. Don't worry its been confirmed that they are gall stones (which is good to know because he was scared as hell that it was cancer, for good reason). So neverminding the fact that I'm spending my birthday in my dad's hospital room I've come to a conclusion. I've been thinking it for a long time (remember all those times where I've hinted towards my emotional state but always said I'd come back to it later?). Actually I think I've known it for a long time but just didn't want to admit it. Here goes.

Emotionally speaking, I'm dead on the inside.

I've been with my dad over the last several days after rushing him to the ER at 5am on Thursday morning. From that, to hearing him moan in pain (and asking for something to relieve it), to seeing him almost tear up thinking the blockages in his pancreas were tumors. The whole time my emotional response has been limited to extreme aggravation at relatives that think calling me every hour is going to generate progress.

Maybe its just the way that I've been raised to think how people should act in stressful times like this but I think something is really wrong with me. And this is not an isolated case.

Back in 2004 when my mom died I was literally the only person in my immediate family that didn't shed a single tear. No choked voice, no water eyes, just some sadness. Same thing when my grandmother died about 2 months after that.

When I was in high school and the vice principal died same thing. Imagine sitting in a church full of crying friends, family, and students and not have any sort of reaction on your face.

In college caught a buddy home for a holiday but before heading out we stopped to his aunt and uncle's house. The uncle had a heart attack while we were there. He passed away but I remember the EMTs on the scene and the aunt thanking me for how calm I was and how well I kept their kids from panicking, who were small children at the time (and mind you I don't even like kids that much).

Its just this weird thing about me that causes me to be deathly (maybe not the best word) calm in situations that would terrify normal people or at least cause some sort of other noticeable reaction.

To this end I've gotten to the point where I simply don't want to be in such situations anymore. I feel like people are looking at me and thinking, "What kind of souless monster can go through this with such a blank expression?". Don't believe me? How many times have you seen people say something like, "If you don't (display expected emotional response to this pic/story/ect...) then you have no soul."

This is part of the reason I don't want kids. I don't like the idea of raising soulless kids.

Well enough of that for now.

Quick update

2011-11-05T14:40:00.002-04:00

I would seem my dad's condition is rather persistent (but thankfully not urgent). So I'm gonna be out of the office for the next few days at least. I think my last scheduled post will come on Monday. After that just hang tight.

Weekly Mashup Stage 74

2011-11-05T08:00:00.001-04:00

Dammit I thought I scheduled this before I went out of town this past weekend. Sorry.

In an effort to build up the Ethecofem community into a place where any walk of life will feel welcome to come and discuss things we are looking for another regular contributor, preferably of the female persuasion to balance things out a bit, but anyone interested is welcome. We like a variety of viewpoints, experiences, and perspectives. And as always April is on the eternal lookout for guest bloggers as well. If you're interested drop a line at ethecofem[at]gmail[dot]com.

Also feel free to treat this as an Open Thread.

State Sen. Forrester dead at age 74: "Long a champion of banning gay marriage in North Carolina, he stirred controversy in September for calling Asheville a “cesspool of sin.” He also drew fire from gay rights groups. In an interview with The News & Observer earlier this month about the controversy, Forrester said he was suffering from health problems but did not elaborate." I would like for opposition to gay rights to not get their way but this is terrible. Best of wishes to his family.

Concerns Are Raised About Genetically Engineered Mosquitoes: This shit is a SyFy Movie of the Week waiting to happen....

CA Audit of CPS Reveals Sex Offenders Working in Foster Homes: This can't be good.

Fred Phelps attended Bob Jones University; rape-apologist now on BJU board: "Bob Jones University is currently pretending that Fred Phelps did not go to their school. Is that FUNNY or what? I can remember when they would have been proud, but demonstrating at the funerals of Elizabeth Edwards and Steve Jobs? Even too embarrassing for BJU!

At left, courtesy of fabulous Camille Lewis (BJU-purge victim), is Fred Phelps' 1948 yearbook photo from Bob Jones University. Although they can try to hide their nasty history, they CAN'T erase old yearbooks owned by students."

Men’s Rights Fight Breaks Out On Wikipedia: Have your opinion of MRAs by all means but back handed tactics like this are not right. I'm sure its not some feminist conspiracy but I have to admit that this is some pretty interesting timing considering that there's be a bit of noise lately over the gender disparity in Wiki contributors.

Is there a double standard between male and female sex offenders?:Yes.

Marketing To The Maxim Set: Axe realizing that telling teen guys that they are smelly pigs that no woman would want to get close to was not the best way to market their product?

A little something I whipped up this week.

If you say it, they may respond

2011-11-04T12:17:00.000-04:00

If you recall last week I went to Dr. Pepper's Contact Us section and sent in my thoughts on the new Dr. Pepper 10 ad. I was checking my email over the weekend and saw that I got a response. Not just some system generated, "We are glad you contacted us..." bull but an actual response in which someone read what I wrote and responded back. Check it out.

October 26, 2011
Thank you for writing to us about Dr Pepper TEN and allowing us to respond to your concerns. I am a woman who loves the full flavor of Dr Pepper TEN and the fact that it’s only 10 calories. When I first saw the tongue-in-cheek advertising campaign and the tagline, my reaction was, “I’ll be the judge of that.” In other words, no one is going to tell me what I can eat or drink.

We hope you, too, will come to see our advertising campaign for what it is, a humorous take on the many men who are worried about their waistlines but are too “manly” to drink a diet soda.

Sincerely,

Consumer Relations

To which I responded:

I can appreciate the concept of "I'll be the judge of that." being used to advertise the product that leaves me wondering about "many men who are worried about their waistlines but are too “manly” to drink a diet soda" you commented on. Yes it is true that there are men who worry about that, however does that really mean they should be taken in a humorous light when they could see this ad as teasing them, thus justifying their fear about said soda?

Your point that it doesn't have to be that way is a valid one, I'm just a bit concerned about the way its addressed in the ad. Surely as a woman you may have certain fears and worries. How would you feel if someone made an ad in which they made fun your fears rather then actually seriously addressing them?

Thanks for the response.

I really do like the idea that there are women out there who will respond to said ad with a "I'll be the judge of that" attitude. My problem is I don't think this ad does much good for men, especially the ones who are caught up in this idea that they need a "manly" version of a diet soda. I'm guessing this woman who responded was thinking about the ad as a woman being told, "This soda is not for you." to which I don't blame her for thinking, "I'll be the judge of that.". But let's take a moment to think about the men who believe this hype.

You have a guy that for whatever reason wants to try a soda that tastes good and isn't as bad for you as most sodas on the market. Let's say this guy is turning away from other so-called diet sodas because they aren't "manly enough" for him. Then he sees this ad. Instead of getting the message that being manly isn't a vital criteria of a diet drink he gets the idea that he should get Dr. Pepper 10 because its made for men, not those little women. How healthy can that message possibly be for anyone?

I stand by my original statement that an ad showing a man drinking it and saying while it may be targeted at men anyone can drink it would hit a much larger audience than targeting a narrow sub-set of men to drink because its "for men only" and and a sub-set of women who are going to drink just because they were told not to.

Out of the Office

2011-11-03T22:29:00.002-04:00

I'm gonna be a way for at least the next day or so with a family emergency. I have stuff scheduled up to Monday so all should be well.

Play nice.

I don't care if he was a war criminal...

2011-11-03T08:07:00.001-04:00

(I'm talking about sexual violence against a man so tread carefully and the link I'm about to drop has some pretty serious images up front and center.)

Gaddafi did not deserve to be sodomized before being killed.

Yes he is a war criminal that is responsible for atrocities that were probably only outdone by a few other people.

Yes he oppressed people and kept them in control with violence.

Yes if he had had his way about it he would have stayed in power and ruled with an iron fist.

But none of that justifies sodomizing him.

When stooping to his level of violence and depravity can those folks really call them selves rebels/freedom fighters?

Hell I can sort of understand killing him because that actually does serve the purpose of making sure that he will never rise again (I'm not sure if that makes it okay but what's the point of sodomizing him other than to inflict pain and humiliation?). But like any other man he did not deserve that. I can almost understand the desire to do that to him (because believe me when I say I have very serious issues with the thought of revenge) but ultimately its a display of violence that makes me wonder if those rebels are better than the man they disposed (Remember how the cruel tyranny of the French Monarchy was followed by The Reign of Terror?).

Rape is treated like a joke.

Rape is treated like a suitable punishment.

Rape is treated like a viable tactic to get someone to talk.

None of that is cool. From this display of sexual violence to the regular use of rape as a threat to get someone to confess on a tv crime drama. None of it is.

I'm glad that Gaddafi is no longer in power but what purpose did sodomizing him serve?

Fro tip to Ozy.

My Halloween Post

2011-11-02T22:25:00.002-04:00

So last Saturday I went to a small fetish night. Nothing major just a small show. But nevermind that the important part is that two things will stick out in my mind for a long time.

First I saw a Halloween costume at this show that pretty much put a damper on my night. There was a costume contest and one of the entries was of a black women wearing a costume which consisted of a drink and a sports jersey. Her costume? And I shit you not, "85% of the NFL, Black and Drunk".

I know...

On to something a lot nicer. I was found by a girl that I had not seen since junior year of high school. It was odd at first because this encounter started with a woman yelling my name out of the blue as she came towards me. The tip off here was that she was calling me Daniel and not Danny. The only people that call me that are co-workers, family, and people who knew me before Fall 1999.

Now for some back story. This woman actually had a bit of a crush on me in high school, a crush that I was not receptive to. And it turns out she is still interested in me. And I have to admit that I do find her interesting now. It would seem that that while the last 12 years have been very different for us we both seem to have grown up more alike than expected (and I assure you neither of us are the same as we were 12 years ago). Consider that we met at a fetish show. Although I never heard her say the words she appears to be bisexual (she was making out with both her husband and two other women at the show). She seems to have tapped into something that gives her the strength to simply do her thing during which not a single fuck is given.

So all in all I enjoyed my night.

How was your Halloween?

Picking Nits about Domestic Violence

2011-11-02T13:38:00.000-04:00

I saw this post over at Clarissa's while I was chilling at a hotel waiting to go to a fetish party for Halloween a few nights ago (more on that later) but decided to wait until I got back to say something.

First off you should go read the post because I'm talking about something she says near the end of it.

I really don’t want this post to turn into “If the victim were a woman, the reaction would have been different.” No, it wouldn’t. No matter who the victim is, people who are battered at home are routinely dismissed. Domestic violence is an issue people love to dismiss. By ridiculing victims of domestic abuse we create an emotional distance from them. It is as if we said to ourselves, “This is not something that could happen to me. I’m nothing like these crazy, cupcake-hurling folks.”

Not so fast.

You see what I think people are getting at when they say, "If the victim were a woman, the reaction would have been different." is that indeed people's attitudes can change drastically when talking about female against male violence versus male against female violence.

Yes overall there is a problem with the general dismissal of all victims of domestic violence but there is a big difference between that and trying to say that people's reactions don't change when talking about m vs f instead of f vs m. I've even had this conversation with people about a woman abusing a man and I made the "if he was abusing her..." comment to which people actually did change their reaction. And not just change their reaction but literally say, "but that's different".

Now at the same time its bearing in mind that the change won't always happen in that direction. Just as there are people who will say "but that's different" when shifting from f vs m to m vs f there are those who will do the same in reverse.

Not trying to attack you Clarissa just saying that to a lot of people the reaction really would be different.

Being A Man 101: Chivalry

2011-11-01T13:49:00.001-04:00

I'm a bit of a fan of visual aids. They make things so nice and...visual (lol). If you recall some time ago I did a small post on chivalry and how destructive it is to men. Well I came across a rather useful example.

A rather funny video I know but let's take a moment to look at what supposedly is the mark of a "gentleman".

First off notice the obvious disregard of the woman whose affections they are competing for. Mashing her hands, hitting her in the face, and not caring when things fall on her head. Quite cartoonish I'll say. I'm sure most people would point to this part, comment on how this shows that chivalry holds no regard for women (probably throw in the words "patriarchy" and "misogyny" for dramatic effect) then wait for the praise to and high fives.

Such people would only be getting part of the picture.

What they may not notice (or refuse to acknowledge) is that this also show how chivalry poisons the manners of an otherwise sensible man that would have some regard for others (and not just women). Along with the childish name calling this is some terrible behavior for a special type of man that is supposed to be superior to normal men. Promoting rude behavior as the mark of a gentleman?

And this disregard is not limited to themselves and women either. I can't be the only to notice how they treated the butler when they entered. So so far a mark of a gentleman is they argue like children among themselves over who is "superior", treat people who they consider to not be their equals as beneath them and ignore the women they hope to attract.

Next we have escalation. When no clear winner in a contest of name calling and arguing cannot be ascertained another way must be found. While I understand that people have different reason to fight I'm having a hard time trying to find anything honorable about taking to the field of physical combat for a woman. This probably has something to do with why the advertising division of the company that owns Summer's Eve thinks we do it all for the nookie.

Finally look what happens at the end of the video. After fighting to nearly the death and destroying the estate of the woman they are fighting over they leave, even though they think they killed her.

So as we can see chivalry does quite the bit of damage to men while passing itself off as the way "a real man" or "gentleman" acts. Yet time and time again all we ever hear is how it so badly harms women. Don't get me wrong it does do that but you're fooling yourself if you think chivalry is only benefiting men.

Link to the main hub for all the Being a Man 101 posts.

Weekly Mashup Stage 73

2011-10-31T15:55:00.000-04:00

Dammit I thought I scheduled this before I went out of town this past weekend. Sorry.

In an effort to build up the Ethecofem community into a place where any walk of life will feel welcome to come and discuss things we are looking for another regular contributor, preferably of the female persuasion to balance things out a bit, but anyone interested is welcome. We like a variety of viewpoints, experiences, and perspectives. And as always April is on the eternal lookout for guest bloggers as well. If you're interested drop a line at ethecofem[at]gmail[dot]com.

Also feel free to treat this as an Open Thread.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month: Adding Insult to Injury…: "Domestic violence against men is a story that is rarely told. Their stories will not be readily posted in the headlines or shown on the evening news, simply because women are normally the ones reporting the abuse, not men. According to some statistics in 2008 The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) stated that 11.5 men reported being abused by their mates."

Self-Defense or Cold-Blooded Murder? Trial Begins for Mom Charged With Killing Neighbor: What? This is the kind of stuff you see in an episode of NCIS.

Are Good Men Scarce?: Clarissa questioning the idea that good men are scarce.

Ex-Ohio teacher convicted in student sex case: You ever notice that when it comes to under aged kids men "rape" while women "have sex"?

National Writers Union, Guild drop Huffington Post boycott: The end of a boycott that a lot of people probably forgot about already.

Child’s Death Points To Maternal Gatekeeping: Its stories like this that scream for a dire need for reform in matters of custody.

Study Shows Why Underrepresented Men Should Be Included in Binge Eating Research: So it took a study for people to realize that contrary to the cultural expectation of men as a whole do not deal with issues with eating disorders (and body image by extension) there actually are men who do? Can't wait to hear about the next study from the Mel Brooks Institute of WTF, "Study Shows That Most Men Have Testicles And In A Surprising Contrast Most Women Do Not".

Failing on Purpose or Socialized to Fail?: In my experience the idea of young boys of color avoid being seen as smart out of the thought that smart = feminine is totally wrong. To me the issue has been that smart = weak, and no in this equation weak does not equal feminine.

Interesting

A Soul Ensnared by a Lullaby, dreaming of a Beautiful Life

2011-10-29T07:38:00.000-04:00

With Halloween right around the corner why not song title link that sounds all gothy and dark?

Autumn's Grey Solace - A Soul Ensnared

Dark Sanctuary - Lullaby

Artemis - Beautiful Life

(Yeah I had to break my promise to not use the same song twice but I just had to for this one.)

Later!

When displeased, say something

2011-10-28T09:15:00.000-04:00

If you recall last week I talked about that terrible new Dr. Pepper 10 ad. Its an affront to most of the people in this world that call themselves men (and its not exactly working wonders for women either). Well if I'm displeased enough to try to re-imagine it then why not say something? Good idea. Time to ante up. I headed over to the Contact Us section of the Dr. Pepper site to say my piece. Here goes.

Recently I saw an ad for your new Dr. Pepper 10 product and I must say that I am less than pleased with it.

You see while you may think you are creating an ad that appeals to men to get them to drink your soda what you are (also) doing is alienating a very large portion of your target audience by thinking that enjoying movies (and behaviors) that are stereotypically associated with being a man. There are plenty of men out there who do not like the action movie cliches depicted in the ad. And using those cliches comes across as a clear sign that you either are not aware of how to target a larger portion of men are that you may not care about men in general.

Those cliches represent a very narrow band of what is considered acceptable in terms of being a man and the use of them in that ad only reinforces them. And then of course there is the also the issue of using "its not for women" as a part of what makes Dr. Pepper 10 the ideal soda for men.

Frankly most men don't care if women drink the same things they do and those that do may not be the positive audience you are looking for.

For a long time its been a long running tactic to limit men to a certain stereotype when advertising to us. Times are changing and those days are numbered. I think its high time that advertising reflect this and come around to finding ways to focus on your target audience without insulting said target audience (or insulting those who are not for that matter).

Thank you for your time.

Don't be scared to chime off yourself if this ad bothers you.

Male Responsibility and Support of Children

2011-10-26T06:46:00.000-04:00

I came across this in my reader feed and it got my mind churning on some things.

Most people say that when it comes to child support its supposed to be about holding men responsible for the children they help create and to make sure the children in question are cared for.

Here comes the churn.

Pedro Soto was paying support (and spending time with) for his son Aaron with no thought that the they were not biologically linked. It turned out that Aaron was actually biologically linked to Francisco Serrano, the man that the mother of the child, Maricela Guerrero, was partnered with. Now in a case like this one would think that if Pedro is not the biological father it would make sense to terminate the order for him to continue paying child support right? Wrong.

[T]he Department concedes that Francisco Serrano, not Petitioner [Pedro Soto], is the real father of Aaron Soto, but insists that due to the passage of time the injustice of Petitioner paying child support for a child that is living with, and being supported by his real father, should be extended at least another five years until Aaron reaches eighteen and finishes high school. The sheer injustice of the situation does not seem to bother the Department one bit.

So if child support orders are about making sure men are help accountable for the children they help create and making sure the child is being supported why is it that in a case when the man that's making payments is not the biological father and the biological father is known and active in the child's life the man is denied the justice of having that order terminated?

Let me focus on something specific.

...but insists that due to the passage of time the injustice of Petitioner paying child support for a child that is living with...

That's right if a man has been paying support for a child that is latter proven not to be his biological relation there is a chance that enough time will have passed that the order for support can't be terminated for reasons that amount to, "Well we know you aren't the biological father but you've been paying for so long you shouldn't be allowed to stop paying." Why should the passage of time even matter in a situation where the wrong man is being held responsible for payments and the right man is actively in the child's life (meaning that the "but its about making sure the child gets the support they need" excuse does not fly)? And even if that right man is not in the child's life why not seek him out instead of sticking with the safe bet and holding up a man who is not the one that should be held responsible? Why is there a statue of limitations on something that is dependent on evidence that can never be clouded or mistaken?

Think about it. When it comes to establishing paternity as long as that child is living there will ALWAYS be a way to tell if a given man is the biological father or not. This is a case where the DNA tells the whole tale (versus other situations like the crime of rape*). At literally any time a DNA test can be administered to know if a given man is a given child's biological father. And isn't that the whole point? Hold the biological dad responsible for the child he helped create? So why are there clauses in place that basically allow the courts to pass on holding the biological father responsible when they already have some man on the hook?

And that's one thing that really bothers me. The courts may not have caused the man to be deceived (no that mostly falls in the lap of the mother, who is often held up on a pedestal where its taboo to even question her) but they have the tools to at the very least stop a terrible injustice that is being carried out on an innocent man. Yet they actively refuse to use them. If it were about holding the biological father responsible Pedro would have been relieved of his order to continue paying support the moment he was declared to not be the biological father. But no instead it took quite a bit for him to get justice.

Basically what's happening is that instead of these laws being used to hold biological fathers responsible for the children they help create its telling men that if they can pass the buck on to another man they will be just fine and its telling women that they can pick and choose the father of their children and not worry about being held to holding the actual biological father responsible.

What do you think?

* - Let me be clear. In the case of adult against adult rape DNA alone doesn't prove guilt of the crime. At best DNA can only prove that sex happened. Rape is having sex with someone who did not or cannot consent to the act. DNA can't tell you if the act was consensual or not.

Damn you Echo!!!!!

2011-10-24T22:39:00.002-04:00

Alright after thinking about it for about the last month I can only come up with one reason for using Echo for my commenting and that's because their spam filtering was really good. But its just not worth the aggravation of comments just not showing up at random. So fuck it Echo is gone.

We're going back to the original Blogger commenting system for the time being.

The biggest penalty I've seen so far is that Echo did nested commenting and without Echo in place anymore the nesting was lost so some of the comments might not make sense since they now appear in the order they were made rather than nesting beneath the comment someone was responding to. So for future reference when you comment here and you want to respond to something someone else said please try to copy and paste the portion of that other person's comment you are responding to.

Normally there would be two ways to do this, blockquoting or italicizing. However Blogger's commenting system doesn't allow for blockquoting so that just leaves italicizing. Here's how to do it.

What you do is this: <"i">Once you have set the opening and closing tags for the block quote you put the text that you wish to quote in between them like this (just make sure you remove the quotation marks out of the sample tags I'm showing here).<"/"i">

And when you do you will get this: Once you have set the opening and closing tags for the block quote you put the text that you wish to quote in between them like this (just make sure you remove the quotation marks out of the sample tags I'm showing here).

Oh and also it would help if you were to add the name of the person you are quoting as well. Like this:

Danny:
Once you have set the opening and closing tags for the block quote you put the text that you wish to quote in between them like this (just make sure you remove the quotation marks out of the sample tags I'm showing here).

That way you have what was said and who said it, making it easier to keep up with who said what in the conversation.

So Jim, now that Echo is gone feel free to comment with all your might.

Store bought Halloween costumes suck....that is all

2011-10-24T07:30:00.001-04:00

I went to a few Halloween shops last weekend to pass out some flyers for a Haunted House some friends are working on and took a spare few minutes to check out what the costumes looked like this time around.

Fucking. Terrible.

Simply put damn near all the female costumes are "Sexy _____" and damn near all the male costumes are "(insert sexual innuendo joke here)". (Don't believe me? Check out some actual pics.)

So presumptions of sex have utterly and thoroughly penetrated Halloween costume choices.

For the time being I'm just going to continue taking Halloween as the one night out of the year where I can let my inner goth out (my own homemade bondage straps and all).

Weekly Mashup Stage 72

2011-10-23T13:57:00.001-04:00

In an effort to build up the Ethecofem community into a place where any walk of life will feel welcome to come and discuss things we are looking for another regular contributor, preferably of the female persuasion to balance things out a bit, but anyone interested is welcome. We like a variety of viewpoints, experiences, and perspectives. And as always April is on the eternal lookout for guest bloggers as well. If you're interested drop a line at ethecofem[at]gmail[dot]com.

Also feel free to treat this as an Open Thread.

Navajo calls out Urban Outfitters for its products: Traditions aren't fashion statements.

Tears and empathy on the college gridiron: A bit of evidence a guy just letting it all out is not so dangerous, and can actually be helpful.

State House Leader Talks About Welfare Drug Testing: "House Speaker Thom Tillis said last Friday at a meeting of Madison County Republicans he would like to push the requirement if the Republicans remain in power after the 2012 elections. He also agreed with a town hall participant's statement that such testing be expanded to state employees. The recorded comments were uploaded to YouTube." I'm kinda torn on this. On one hand don't think assistance funds should be spent on drugs but on the other I have a hard time imagining how much money this is going to cost, money that could be used for assistance.

FBI expands rape definition… kind of: So I guess instead of straight excluding female against male rape the FBI is now accounting for the (rather vague) inclusion of it.

Verizon Wireless Changes Privacy Policy 203: Are you a Verizon customer? You might want to check this out.

How To Make Ghosts In Photoshop or GIMP: Halloween is coming up so this might be useful.

DEPUTIES: Sex Offender Used Facebook To Lure Women: I'm having a bit of disconnect here. I'm not trying to say that him hiding his sex offender status is okay mind you. However I'm a little curious as to why the fact that he used FB to "lure" women is the title of story. By "luring" them does that mean he was gaining their trust and then forcing them into sex acts they didn't want to do? Just feels odd they would lead off with the morally questionable act and then just throw in the straight up illegal act as an "oh yeah he did this too".

Dickhead Dad Forced His Daughter to Put on Armor and Fight Him in a Sword Match: You see these are the types of horrible and unfit dads that people need to really be going after rather than just trying to pretend that all dads are like this one just because they share gender.

In PA, Inherited Money Increases Child Support: How exactly does a one time boost of cash (inheritance) equate to a permanent increase in child support payments?

Dirty Jokes: Sharing Time!: Have a dirty joke you want to share? Want to go read some dirty jokes?

Jenna Myers Karvunidis placed on offenders registry: "With that in mind, meet Jenna Myers Karvunidis, a Chicago wife, mom, feminist and blogger that has taken it upon herself to pressure a local pre-school into excluding men from certain types of child care, because, well because she feels they are inherently more of a threat to children than are women." A vile and disgusting woman she is. I feel sorry for her husband.

Special report: The 'silent taboo' of suicide among young men in the UK: "What makes a seemingly vital young man take his own life? Suicide is the biggest cause of death in men under 35 yet it is seldom discussed, with parents left feeling ashamed and that they have failed their child. Catherine O’Brien talks to families who want to bring ‘the greatest taboo’ into the open."

Africa: Rape as a 'Weapon of War' Against Men: "Cape Town — Sexual violence against men, including rape, is under-reported, poorly addressed and has a severe impact on both men and their families, according to a presentation at the annual Sexual Violence and Research Initiative (SVRI), held in Cape Town, South Africa."

Swedish Court Convicts 23 Women over Child Porn: You ever notice that when women are up on serious charges like there there seems to be a hell bent rush to find some "reason" to explain why they did it?

Men Batter, Women “Use Force”: I guess now that people are coming to terms with the fact that female against male partner violence exists there has to be some new line drawn to show that what men do is worse than what women do.

Take it easy people.

So that's why...

2011-10-22T11:41:00.000-04:00

(I'm talking about The Secret Circle books and show. Tread accordingly.)

If you recall last week I was talking about how underdeveloped Melissa from the CW's Secret Circle is. Well I found out why.

I ordered copies of the trilogy and while reading reviews of I noticed something. Most of the reviews regularly mentioned Cassie, Adam, Diane, Faye, and Nick. However I never saw any mention of Melissa in them. That's Melissa is not in the books.

Also I saw that unlike the show where the coven is 6 in the books the coven is 12. Chances are the makers of the show decided to use the 5 "main" kids and then created Melissa out of traits of some of the other 7 kids. More than likely there will be more characters introduced later on who will be created for the show and will be amalgamations of characters from the books.

Now I'm not trying to use this as an excuse for why she's so blank although it may explain it a bit. If Melissa is a mixture of other left out characters then it would be risky to mix the storylines of those other characters.

Oh and from the bit of reading I did I managed to spoil the fact that Nick will come back in some way, shape, or form.

I should get the books in one day this week and I'll get to reading them to compare them to the show. Should be interesting to see the differences.

1000 COMBO!!!!!!!

2011-10-22T00:00:00.000-04:00

This post is of absolutely no relevance other than to celebrate my 1000th post. Took me about 3 1/2 years to do it.

So...

You've seen 1000 posts here, you've seen this blog change quite a bit over the time I'v been here, what do you think?

Take this as an open thread to talk about anything you wish and to comment on what you think about the blog. Don't like the font color? Think I'm missing a really good link in my blog roll? Have at it.

Masculinity of Color

2011-10-21T12:35:00.000-04:00

Was reading this a short while ago. Its some pretty sound things on the things that young males of color should be focusing on in order become men that can operate in the real world. On the other hand there are some things that I have a bit of an issue with.

...I am convinced that traditional male behaviors are a barrier for our these young men. Because traditional male behaviors are not valued in today's society, these young men are at a serious disadvantage.

While it is true that traditional male behavior is a barrier for young men of color today I don't think its a matter of those behaviors no longer being valued. I think its more of a matter that they are being recognized for the limiting scripts that they are. Being expected to abide by these behaviors, as well as actually abiding by these behaviors, really put them at a disadvantage. With that out of way I want to tap on some things worth tapping.

We sometimes think of masculinity as a natural part of being a male, yet males and masculinities are not two sides of the same coin as masculinities are socially constructed identities. In fact, women can exhibit masculine behaviors and actions that can reinforce hegemonic (or dominant) forms of masculinity currently found in society.

Yes. Masculinity and manhood should not be considered hand in hand. If a guy wants nothing to do with masculinity then he should be free to do so. If a woman wants to be masculine then she should be free to do so. As I've said before its all about the individual. Everyone should be free to make up their own masculinity (and femininity as well) as they see fit.

I keep wondering how do we change or direct males to have masculinities that allow them to function in both their social and cultural contexts locally and in the larger society. I am not interested in telling young me that they should not talk or act a certain way. I am more interested in expanding their concepts of masculinities that will allow them to exhibit forms of masculinities in their appropriate contexts (i.e. Time and place).

I wonder if its worth looking to how these ultimately harmful masculinities came to be in the first place. This phenomenon doesn't just appear on its own. Look at the media. Young men of color are constantly bombarded with images of committing violence and glamorizing the idea that ignorance is hip. Also look at parenting. Let's face it there are a lot of parents out there that could really contribute to the well being of these young men. Perhaps in order to open up the minds of our young men of color it would be possible to use those same means.

Imagine a rap video in which instead of glamorizing crime how about glamorizing law abiding behavior. Instead of movies where men are praised for useless violence how about movies where men actually think twice and choose not to carry out the violence. Instead of shows where men have their manhood measured by how many women they have sex with how about shows where men are free of the pressure to have sex just because they are men (the SyFy Channel Show had a very good example of this during this past season).

Men and Food

2011-10-20T06:47:00.000-04:00

When you talk about men and food you usually get the impression of the rough and tumble "real man" that lives on meat and has no time for simple things like veggies and foods aimed at health and nutrition. And things like this don't help.

Personally I like:

Sliders - Bite size meaning you can carry a lot of them at once. And I can sometimes take one out in a single bite.

Sushi with Brown Rice - I haven't tried it but since I like sushi I'd try it.

Cupcakes - Bullshit. That is all.

Look different guys have different tastes and as I've said with other things before trying to fit us into a narrow band of "acceptable things" is not right.

Now if only feminists could mention this in some other capacity than to pretend that there is no negativity in feminism and the fact that "other people do it too" should let them off the hook.

Brushing to the side versus confronting?

2011-10-19T16:24:00.001-04:00

A week or so ago I saw this rant on self worth at NSWATM. As I said over at NSWATM that rant (and let's not pretend that calling it a rant protects it from criticism) that piece felt like an attempt to make feelings of loneliness, emptiness, and worthless just go away by calling them silly and saying they don't matter.

Then I came across this at Clarissa's, a list of instructions on How to Remain Alone Forever.

Funny thing is the trigger that went off when reading that Internal Acceptance rant did not go off when I read How to Remain Alone Forever. But I think I know why.

I'm thinking that maybe the first piece seems like its telling me that desiring close contact with another person (sexual or otherwise) but not getting it isn't that big of a deal while the second piece is telling me that desiring close contact with another person (sexual or otherwise) but not getting it means I need to do something about it.

First one feels like a cop out and the second one feels like advice. I like the second one better.

Ads, Reimagined: Dr. Pepper 10

2011-10-18T10:01:00.001-04:00

I'm sure by now you've seen this ad right? Its a new variation of Dr. Pepper called Dr. Pepper 10. Its meant to be an ad for "a man's diet soda". I wanted to laugh a bit at the excluding of women if for no other reason than that damn Yoplait ad where the wife is on the phone talking about the things she has been eating in her efforts to lose weight. The husband, hearing about those delicious names, starts tearing through the fridge trying to find them. But Ah-Ha! They aren't the desserts he's thinking, they are actually flavors of Yoplait yogurt, he's just too stupid to realize it. But hey we're trying to be all inclusive here right?

The ad is of a guy going through several action movie tropes (like the big chase, the big explosion, and even the witty catchphrase) while addressing women.

"Enjoying the film?"

"Of course not."

"Because its our movie, and Dr. Pepper 10 is our soda."

"It's only 10 mainly calories but with all 23 flavors of Dr. Pepper its what guys want, like this."

"Catchphrase!"

"So you can keep the romantic comedies and lady drinks."

The tagline for this product is, "Its not for women."

As I said above I can understand the desire for some turn about when it comes to advertising but let's get real. Just as that yogurt ad wasn't the kindest treatment of men this ad isn't either. Now if I were filming it would do something like:

::Start with an action movie::

"Enjoying the film?"

::Switch to knitting::

"It doesn't matter."

::Switch to some sport::

"Because we're just doing what men do."

::Switch to changing a diaper::

"And Dr. Pepper is a soda aimed at men."

::Switch to playing a harp::

"Its only 10 manly calories but with all 23 flavors of Dr. Pepper. Its what guys want, like this."

::Switch to the guy hugging his children::

"Family Time!!!!"

"But don't let that stop you from drinking it."

And I'd change the tagline to, "We don't care who drinks it."

Its pretty damn insulting that an ad for something targeted at men is still in this day and age just a rundown of the stereotypical expectations of what "real men" like. As I try to convey in my reimagining of the ad different men like different things so not only is there no need to presume we are all into that narrow selection of things used in the ad but doing so actually alienates a large part of the target audience.

Damn I need a camera so I can start trying to file this stuff. Although I don't know where I'd get the cool explosions though.

Gender Symmetry Checklist v2

2011-10-17T10:27:00.000-04:00

So along with my Gender Symmetry Checklist being the most visited post ever here I've also gotten a bit of feedback on it.

From Alas:

Amp: Danny, I think your list needs a different format from other lists; probably a table so that the flip sides of the sexist coin can be presented side by side, instead of being listed vertically.

i.e., instead of:

A
B
A
B

It should be
A B
A B

Lauren: Danny, I think one potetial problem with your list is that it is very white middle class centric. Now, this is a direct result of the fact that examinations of gender imbalance tend to have this limit/ bias /generalisation far too often and you are building on what is already there. But it still excludes a lot of perspectives and is therefore not true for a lot of women.

For example “women are expected to stay at home and take care of the children” is not at all true for working class women. They are (and have always been) expected to work full time and take care of the children on top of that.

The idealization of women as mothers is also limited to those society considers “good mothers”, which excludes mothers who are disabled, who are poor, who are not hetero, who are women of colour and so on.

Also, a lot of women are considered to be unrapeable / in a state of permanent consent not based on how they act/ dress but simply based on who they are. There is a long, disgusting tradtion of treating women of colour this way. There are also a lot of women who are disbelieved about their rape because “who would want to rape someone like that” (fat women, “ugly” women, old women, trans*women and others who are constantly devalued as “not feminine enough”).

I don’t know enough to say if your list of male advantages/disadvantages is similarly biased.

I am not sure how you would fit these things into your list, but without them, it is not really a comparison of male/female but one of only a selected group of them.

I'm currently working on v2 of this list where I turn it into a table. Also like Lauren said I'll be trying to account for variations of the listed items.

I wonder if I've bitten off more than I can chew...

A chance for male victims to be heard

2011-10-17T00:12:00.002-04:00

When it comes to talk about domestic violence its pretty clear that male victims (especially male victims of female abusers) are often silenced because of sexist beliefs like "oh he must have done something to deserve it", "women don't do stuff like that", or "what kind of man are you?". This is something that needs to change and a chance to so has come up.

There is going to be a Domestic Violence blog carnival at anytime yoga at the end of the month and this is a golden chance for male victims to have their stories heard.

Weekly Mashup Stage 71

2011-10-16T19:49:00.003-04:00

In an effort to build up the Ethecofem community into a place where any walk of life will feel welcome to come and discuss things we are looking for another regular contributor, preferably of the female persuasion to balance things out a bit, but anyone interested is welcome. We like a variety of viewpoints, experiences, and perspectives. And as always April is on the eternal lookout for guest bloggers as well. If you're interested drop a line at ethecofem[at]gmail[dot]com.

Also feel free to treat this as an Open Thread.

I am not in what we would call a "good mood" right now. Having car trouble that's going to prevent me from going on a small business related outing tomorrow. Its so much the car trouble itself that bothers me but the business trip. I was pretty excited to go because I almost never get out of my computer lab at work and I wanted to prove to myself that I was worth more to myself (and my company) than just the guy that answers phones. Fuck.

Different Treatment For Tech Related Law-Breaking Depending On Whether Or Not You Have Power: "What bugs me the most is that those who get away with doing these kinds of things never seem to realize how they're in a position of power and protected. They just brush off their own failure to abide by the law as if it's nothing -- and never realize what they're doing to the people they go after."

MacFarlane: 'Family Guy' should've already ended: MacFarlene no longer interested in Family Guy?

Dad Taking Photos of Daughter Is Banned From Mall on Terror Concerns: Yeah I'm sure that policy was not intended to "stop innocent family members from taking pictures". But oh look that's exactly what how it was used.

VA COURTS: Grandmother guilty of throwing toddler off sky walk: Terrible, terrible, terrible. (Although I'm a little curious about why the father is barely even mentioned in this story.)

The ‘gentler’ sex: "The social perception of female abusers does more to keep victims silent than anything else, and not just because victims think no one will believe them, but also because the notion that females cannot abuse or that they only do so if they are crazy or made to by a man makes people less willing to examine the prevalence of female-perpetrated sexual violence. If we never bother to look for it or address it, how can we ever come to understand and prevent it?"

Waitress Reacts to Insult With Online Lynch Mob: The next time you want to make a name for yourself by going after someone who insulted you with guns blazing, it might do some good to make sure you got the right person.

UK Court Endorses Mom’s Abduction of Children: I've read more than a few times on the topic of custody situations where the father is getting pushed out of the children's live say something to the effect of "If he had been doing more parenting he would have gotten a more favorable custody agreement". Funny how those people seem to conveniently forget situations like this where a mom basically either kidnaps the kids or tricks the father into a position where she can take them and run. How much more "parenting" do dads need to do in order to prevent mothers from kidnapping their children?

School Threatens To Forfeit Football Game If Girl Plays: In the end the girl sat the game out. Now there is no question that this was a terrible thing to do to that girl and it really is an example of the sexism that I'm told that I try to ignore. But let's look at why they didn't want her to play in the first place. The simple answer is boys are raised to believe that its wrong to hit a girls under any circumstance from self defense to contact sports. Maybe if people would quit raising boys with such sexist ideas they wouldn't turn around and hold sexist presumptions about girls later.

Vancouver restaurant bans men from peeing standing up: Apparently it was a joke but if they wanted to do something about it they could have put small targets into the toilets. Basic research shows that men are actually more accurate when there is a target to piss on. And my own practical experience supports this.

Perdue opposes marriage amendment: If you've been here before you know I think intent matters right? Well Perdue's intent just cost her my respect. Yes she is going to oppose the constitutional amendment defining marriage as one man/one woman. However I have a big problem with WHY she is opposing it. "But I’m going to vote against the amendment because I cannot in good conscience look an unemployed man or woman in the eye and tell them that this amendment is more important than finding them a job." Does this mean that if NC's job market didn't look so bleak she would be supporting this amendment? She seems to oppose it because jobs are more important. I oppose it because the very idea of banning gays from getting married is wrong.

Because I'm in that kind of mood right now.

Til next week!

I'm sorry I just had to...

2011-10-14T22:52:00.001-04:00

Old school baby.

How about "A Mile in a Victim's Shoes"?

2011-10-14T10:31:00.000-04:00

Sometimes an idea will come to mind that I don't have the resources to bring to fruition. However they are often major ideas that I would have no problem with someone else taking and running with it. So I'll share.

I was reading over at Mensactivism.org and had a thought.

Due to the fact that victims of gender violence came from any and all genders why not an all inclusive "A Mile in a Victim's Shoes" campaign?

No I'm not trying to say that those "A Mile in Her Shoes" efforts should be stopped. I'm saying that victims come from many walks of life and, as the campaign suggests, wear many types of shoes.

School "fixes" haircut with sharpie

2011-10-13T22:39:00.002-04:00

Yes you read that right and yes that is exactly what you are about to see. It would seem that appropriate disciplinary action for having a haircut that violates the dress code is to fill in the offending parts with a sharpie (sorry no embed code).

Even if the second part was in violation of the dress code what sane principal thinks that its okay to mark on a child in order to "correct" the violation? I think its pretty pointless to have something like a limit on the number of parts a student can have on their head but even getting passed that this type of action is simply unacceptable.

With teachers and staff doing these things to students I wonder exactly why. Is it some manner of lashing out over an inadequate school system? Is it that they are fed up with the way the children are getting out of line? Maybe they are angry about other things in their life and are taking it out on "safe" targets (safe as in safe in the idea that being students means they can't do anything about it)? Who knows.

While what Sheldon Williams may not have gone through the same ordeal that Nina Campbell did I really hope that like her he just does the damn thing and lives life to the fullest.

So about Melissa...

2011-10-13T07:04:00.001-04:00

(I'm talking about the show Secret Circle on the CW and will spoiling the hell out of the first 4 episodes. Tread accordingly.)

Okay so I finally gave into the teen fantasy trend and started watching Secret Circle on the CW. The basic premise is that we have a group of five kids who are witches/warlocks, powers inherited through their bloodlines. However they are missing their sixth. In comes Cassie.

After the death of her mother Cassie moves back to the small town that her mother grew up in to live with her grandmother. The other five kids learn that Cassie is the sixth and with her they can really get things going. But damn they may as well had only made it five in total.

You have Cassie who is the main character who is currently the "reluctant one that wants to help but isn't sure what to do" type. She doesn't learn about her powers until she returns to her mother's hometown. So of course there is the usual shock and all that and getting used to things.

Next you have Diana who seems to be the de facto "leader" of the group. On the outside she seems like a sweet girl but its pretty obvious that underneath that is a control freak who wants to keep everything nice, neat, and in order. Well nice, neat, and in HER order. Things are probably going to get ugly once the love triangle comes to a head.

Cassie likes Diana's boyfriend. Diana'd boyfriend like Cassie. This is the setup for Adam the "tortured soul". He has this Adam Lambert look about him (that's just an observation not a jab) and its clear from get go that he has likes Cassie. There is no way in hell that this will be allowed to just rest.

Next we have out "male jerk" character. Nick. He's a damaged loner type that doesn't seem to mesh well with the others. Its not that he hostile or anything, just seems like he doesn't fit in. As for being a jerk he has no problem hurting or mistreating others to get what he wants.

Our "female jerk" is Faye. She's the rebel hell cat that is clearly interested in what she stands to gain out of a situation. But unlike Nick she doesn't seem to have a problem with getting hostile to get what she wants.

And finally we have Melissa. And this is where my complaints start.

She's a member of the circle. At first she is pretty much Faye's lackey but then takes on being Nick's fuck buddy as a dual class (see what I did there?). Nick and Faye pretty much have no problem whatsoever talking down to her, using her for what they want (obedience and sex). That's pretty much it. Well she has like a moment with each where she stands up for herself but that moment quickly fades and falls right back into place be it on her knees or on her back. (And I know that sounds cold but frankly that's how she is treated in this show so far.)

Out of the main six almost none of her life is shown. We've seen the homes of Faye, Diana, Cassie, and Nick while Adam so far has been shown often working at his dad's restaurant. Melissa so far has only been shown at school, the hideout, Adam's dad restaurant, and Nick's bedroom.

My next complaint was pointed out to me by a man by the handle Sparky in the Fangs for the Fantasy (weekly live chat over at Talk Shoe, Monday 6pm EST). Here is a promo picture of the cast. Can you tell me who is missing? I'll bet you can tell even though I haven't given physical descriptions of the characters yet. That's right Melissa's not there and that's a frigging promo pic. How can you have a promo pic of only 5 of the main 6 characters? Sparky also offers this as evidence that she is a woman of color. I've tried to look that up but the most I could solidly find was that she is "mixed" and a few places that suspect she is Italian/African American.

And speaking of them being the main characters I have one last problem. One of points that is regularly stressed throughout the show is that 16 years ago something bad happened in their town and of these six kids each of them lost parents. Cassie's mother is killed in the first episode so we can deduce that her father was killed in the accident. Cassie's mother was killed by Diana's dad in the first episode so we can deduce Diana lost her mother. Diana's father is in regular contact with Faye's mother (who is the principal of the high school they all go to) so we can deduce her mother died. As I said Adam is often shown at his dad's restaurant so we can safely say his mother is dead. It is explicitly stated that both of Nick's parents were killed (Faye directly reminds Melissa in ep. 3 or 4, "We each lost one parent, Nick lost both. Double the damage."). My question to you is, using only info from the four episodes that have been shown so far (meaning no cheating looking at the books) which one of Melissa's parents was killed 16 years ago? We know that one of them had to have died in that past accident (a fire) and one had to have survived at least that fire (they may have been killed later like Cassie's mom perhaps).

I'm really hoping that she isn't just there for the racial diversity street cred. Maybe something big happens and her character drastically changes or something. Whatever the case if indeed this is how they are treating women of color (there is another, who was introduced shortly before being tossed over a balcony during one of Faye's hissy fits) I think they are just better off not even bringing men of color into the picture.

No keyboard = No posting

2011-10-11T22:52:00.001-04:00

Going out of office for a bit. My keyboard just stopped working. No keyboard no posting (I'm doing this from my phone). It will be a few days til I can replace it but thankfully I have stuff scheduled throught to the weekend. Take it easy.

Blog Carnival: Domestic Violence Awareness Month

2011-10-11T19:55:00.000-04:00

I came across a link at Clariss's that goes to anytime yoga who is trying to organize a blog carnival for this month being Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Just though I'd share in case someone wants to chime in on it.

Weekly Mashup Stage 70

2011-10-09T09:06:00.002-04:00

In an effort to build up the Ethecofem community into a place where any walk of life will feel welcome to come and discuss things we are looking for another regular contributor, preferably of the female persuasion to balance things out a bit, but anyone interested is welcome. We like a variety of viewpoints, experiences, and perspectives. And as always April is on the eternal lookout for guest bloggers as well. If you're interested drop a line at ethecofem[at]gmail[dot]com.

Also feel free to treat this as an Open Thread.

Friday Marks War In Afghanistan 10-Year Anniversary: Maybe this anniversary has been so quiet because no one really wants to talk about this war anymore?

Iraq War Vet Fights for Return of Children Taken by Estranged Wife to Japan: So about that Hague Convention, Japan, and how it harbors mothers who flee there with children who are basically kidnapping their children...

The Husband-Killing Syndicates: Misandry in Action: "Apart from a few of the more than twenty cases now rediscovered and presented to the public in The Unknown History of Misandry, these crimes are completely lost to the official historical record (there is no taxpayer-funded army of university researchers working tirelessly to dig up the truth about misandry)." I am so reading this.

Owners of Zuccotti Park Say Conditions Unsanitary From Wall Street Protests: I'm all for people protesting but its worth keeping in mind that the right to protest does not mean the right to disrupt the lives of innocent people and does not mean the right to be destructive (destructive doesn't always mean something overt like running around the starting fires and turning over cars). Keep it clean.

From death row to freedom: Woman gets second chance: Yes I'm gonna say it. If she were black or male this cat would have been dead years ago.

Ginger May Prevent Prostate Cancer: Help against prostate cancer from a little root?

My Respect: My governor just got more of it.

Airport Pat-Down for Breast Cancer Patient: Yet another medical patient humiliated and harassed by TSA.

NC unveils design of Civil War license plate: Not bad.

Mortal Kombat getting movie reboot: Let Mortal Kombat Begin! (Again!)

North Carolina Courts’ Odd Interpretation of Equal Protection Clause: "However, women are not only granted a greater degree of protection, but more leeway as well: only men can face more serious sentences as a result of assaulting a female."

“Don’t Say Such Things About Yourself!”: " Of course, I had always thought that positive body image and self-confidence had more to do with being capable of stating that you are not thin when that’s how things are than with pretending to be what you are not."

Ultrasounds worsen Asia women shortage: UN: Funny I was thinking that the blame rested on cultures that heap so much responsibility on males that females are unfairly disregarded as useless burdens. Maybe if they gave females a chance and quit holding males responsible for everything this wouldn't be such a problem...

Woman downed pint of whiskey before groping male Virgin Airways attendant: "He said, "It is a serious allegation but there are good reasons why it would be in the public interest for the Crown to deal with her by way of a caution."" Gee I wonder if that translates into "we don't want to talk about this because its not as bad as when males sexually harass females"...

Brooklyn performance artist to give birth before audience in gallery: "“I hope that people will see that human life itself is the most profound work of art, and that therefore giving birth, the greatest expression of life, is the highest form of art,” she said."

Catch you next week.

Fat Men, Feminism, and Shadows of the Past

2011-10-07T11:46:00.000-04:00

So I'm looking through my stats in Blogger tonight and see an incoming link from an old Kate Harding post from a few years ago (a few months after I setup shop here in fact) called, Why Fat Men Need Feminism. Yes I'm even more put off by that title now than I was back then but I decided to read it again to see how I felt about it now. (BTW I even did a post on it back them too.)

Still not feeling it much but I think for a slightly different reason now.

Here's the main thing that still puts me off.

But fatphobia directed towards men is heavily steeped in misogyny. Because female fatness is considered to be such an affront, fat men are feminized, or at least unmanned, before being attacked or dismissed. Think about the insults you see directed at fat men: they have breasts, they are soft, they can’t see their penises or their penises are small, they can’t fight (except by sitting on someone), women won’t have sex with them. These aren’t the only ways that fat guys are picked on — I asked my husband what insults he thought were directed at fat men in particular, and the first thing he said was “you smell bad even if you don’t.” Then of course there are the stereotypes about being lazy and eating everything that we all know so well; fat dudes get that too. And fat men as portrayed in the media can sometimes be exaggerated examples of masculinity (also as portrayed in the media) — meat-eating, sports-watching farting machines. But if somebody wants to be truly nasty or threatening to a fat man, they tend to start by equating them with women.

In a post that is supposedly about how fat men need feminism why would you go and basically tell us that the hatred against us is "really" centered around hatred of women?

Here's the thing about the intersection of fat hatred and being a man. The first thing that comes to the mind of some bigot when they want to insult a fat man is that for some reason that fat man is not a "real man". (And I can't believe I'm going to say this...) Full Stop. That's the problem right there. Holding fat men to some standard of what a "real man" and then attacking him for not meeting it is the problem here. It the fact that some portion of fat hatred is in reference to women doesn't matter (I don't see too many people making a big deal about how gay women are masculinized and how "if somebody wants to be truly nasty or threatening to a lesbian, they tend to start by equating them with men"). To focus on this is like thinking Al Queda is dangerous because they have access to AK-47s. Yeah they have the bombs, dangerous thought, and other weapons in their arsenal but its the AK-47s that make them dangerous.

Just in the paragraph before that one:

One effect of intersectionality, when it works, is that the language and concepts of one social justice movement can be enlightening and liberating even for those who are facing a different challenge. A fat man encountering feminist ideas for the first time will be privy to a new rhetoric of body autonomy and rejection of beauty ideals.

So she speaks of intersectionality and how the tools of one social justice movement can be used in others. Can someone tell me how this equates to acting like the reason fat hatred against men needs to be confronted is because of its misogyny? Sure it exists and needs to be confronted, and maybe I'm just in the minority here, but I don't feel a lot of love when the intersection of my fat and being a man is pretty much only being talked about in terms of women. Last I checked feminism is supposed to be a movement for all walks of life and all people. So why is it so hard to make a post about the shaming of men in which you actually focus on the fat and the men?

Near the end:

But I do think that feminism has something to say to fat men in particular. They get insulted by being compared to women, and we espouse the still-radical idea that being feminine (or being called feminine) isn’t inherently insulting.

So nevermind all those other ways I'm insulted right? Its almost like they want to get fat men into the movement while still keeping it all about the women.

Oh and there was one comment in particular that I just had to respond to:
fillyjonk:

Danny, think about it this way: You are upset when feminists treat you as a member of a group instead of asking after your personal experience. You get to feel this way, because as a man you get to consider your personal experience to be paramount and you are allowed to become accustomed to being treated as an individual and not a representative of your sex. It feels unusual and uncomfortable for people to ignore your personal experiences because of your gender, or consider your gender more important than your personal experiences. Male privilege is not being used to that. Male privilege is not growing up thinking that’s your birthright.

Yes I tend to get upset when people treat me like a member of a group instead of asking for my personal experience. Even we ignore this from the end of the post, "So… where’s the men at? I know there are a few of you. Does this idea resonate? (If not, set me straight.) Have you found feminism to be personally useful in combating your own internalized fat hatred? And, because I know there are only a few of you: how can we get the word out to other fat men?" this is offputting.

But here's what burns. Okay fillyjonk comments that it feels unusual and uncomfortable for people to ignore my person experiences because of my gender. That is the fucking opposite of what I'm feeling. The discomfort isn't because my "male privilege" makes me unused to be treated this way. The discomfort comes specifically from being treated as representative of my sex. Its almost like she is saying that I don't feel upset and uncomfortable from the fat man hatred but because I'm a man and I'm not used to not having my experiences being treated as paramount. I'm sure she wouldn't say that about a fat woman.

Look fat men want to be treated with the same respect that any human being deserves. This post still comes off sounding like in order for fat men to get anything from feminism we have to make fat male hatred all about women. You don't win allies by drawing them in with an issue that hits close to home but expect them to ignore what their own experiences tell them about the issue.

(PS - If feminism isn't just about women then why the constant need to turn nearly every issue they think is important into how it harms women?)

I can answer that.

2011-10-05T18:16:00.003-04:00

I saw this posted on a friend's FB page last night and, you being all about thinking about being a man and all, I just had to answer. The picture is of Betty White with what appears to be a quote from her.

Why do people say "Grow some balls."? Balls are weak and sensitive! If you wanna really get tough grow a vagina! Those things take a pounding!

At first glance I just took this to be a volley in the seemingly never ending battle of the sexes over declaring which one is better. But then I got to really thinking, "Why do people say 'Grow some balls.'?". The answer came to me almost too fast.

The answer is simple. As a men we are expected to prove how tough we are by doing difficult things such as enduring intense pain. Okay I don't know about you other folks with balls but I know that when it comes to mine if I'm not careful the slightest shift can result in a jolt of pain more than intense enough to remind me they are down there. When you have something that is capable of generating that much pain then of course it will become the benchmark for "manliness".

So when someone comes at you with comments about having balls its usually in the context of being tough in painful situations. Yes vaginas are tough but they are also built tough (I didn't say they are immune to pain but often when I hear this line of conversation people go straight for natural experiences like childbirth). The idea behind "having balls" is to be tough in any and all situations no matter how normally or abnormally tough it might be.

Yes there are problems with that message too but let us not fool ourselves into think the problem with the "having balls" comments is simply that vaginas are tougher so we should just rewrite the commentary to reflect that instead.

It all goes back to holding men to high standards when it comes to handling tough or tense situations. More of that same ole "You're not a real man if..." bull.

Calif. Gov. Brown signs bill prohibiting circumcision bans

2011-10-04T10:07:00.000-04:00

Yes you read that right.

Governor Jerry Brown has signed a bill that will prohibit circumcision bans in the state of California.

You know I wasn't even going to do a post on this until I saw this line from Assemblyman Mike Gatto.

Gatto argued that such bans were an affront to the exercise of "personal, medical and religious freedom."

Yes that is a copy/paste from the article.

Can someone explain to me how, in a country where its a federal crime to circumcise girls, banning circumcision of boys is considered an affront to "personal, medical, and religious freedom"?

Alright let's not get all twisted up into believing that this is about the "personal, medical, and religious freedom" of infant boys. They don't even know what those things are at that point in their lives. This is about the "personal, medical, and religious freedom" of people who want to have the foreskin of infant boys removed for their own reasons be they religion (as a rite of passage), medical (because it MIGHT help with prevention of STDs), or personal (so he "looks normal"). If you recall the original ban that was proposed was a ban on circumcision of boys under 18 meaning that guys over 18 would still have the "personal, medical, and religious freedom" to do with their foreskins as they please.

I've talked about this before. Why in the hell are people so hell bent on defending a practice on boys that could get you thrown in prison if you did it to girls? Why in the hell are people defending a procedure that permanently alters the body yet whose benefits are contested? Why in the hell are people defending what amounts to preventative maintenance (seriously name one other body part that is cut off of newborns as a "just in case..." precaution)?

As far as I'm concerned unless there is a medical necessity (and the "help prevent STDs" bit is still too contested to count as a necessity) there is absolutely no reason to remove one's foreskin while they are an infant.

Weekly Mashup Stage 69

2011-10-02T09:15:00.002-04:00

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Its things like this that remind me that I actually have a heart.

'Angry Birds' and teaching physics: Due to the facts that the physics in Angry Birds seem to be set on Random I call bullshit.

A cupcake sellout at 'inherently racist' bake sale by UC Berkeley Republicans: You know I had a rather snide remark lined up but I'm not so sure it actually applies...

Judge: Debra Lafave's probation will end early: This is one of those times when someone should be acting in the "best interests of the child". Debra Lafave statutorily raped a 14 year old boy and got a deal for 6 years probation (versus 30 years in prison) and now she's even getting out of serving all of that? I wonder how the victim that she scared for life feels about that.

Cab Fair: Amy Alkon on the protectionism and legalized thuggery of the taxi cab industry.

Talk Shit About Your Ex Without Consequences at ExRated.co: Oh you know that shit is gonna get ugly.

Excuse Me, That’s Ms. Andry: And this place is supposed to be a place for good men? Yeah I feel real welcome at a place that's more concerned with making sure the things that harm men are labeled as not important as the things that harm women than actually trying to address them. They may as well name that place Feminism 101: Male Edition.

Ex-model who killed, ate husband seeks parole: Yeah you read that right. If the person who killed John Lennon by shooting him in the back is still in prison after 30 years how in the world can anyone think that a person who killed and ate their spouse could be fit for release?

Too Fat for President: "It's not so much that Eugene Robinson, or Michael Kinsley are being intrusive. It's that they're being rude. And their rudeness has targets beyond Chris Christie. The last thing people--and really kids--who are struggling with this need is columnists yoking the megaphone telling them how simple it would be for them to be in "optimal health." I don't grasp any great understanding of the science of hunger and weight from either of those columns."

Wash. mom who tried to sell baby to be set free: Well Mary Winkler did kill her husband and managed to keep custody...

News Video: Abused Men

Take it easy folks!

Looks like I better hurry up on v.2

2011-10-01T22:21:00.002-04:00

Okay I'm not sure how but that Gender Symmetry Checklist has gotten more views in 2 weeks than any other post on my blog in the three and half years I've had my shop running here.

Out of the 10 posts in terms of views its gotten nearly double what the other 9 posts raked in combined. I'm sure this doesn't seem like much to most of you but I am just not used to that kind of traffic.

Thanks. And as I say I'm working a v.2 of it and will try to have it up by next week. (And yes Amp I'm taking you up on that table suggestion of yours.)