Monday, May 21, 2012

Do you really wish it had been you?

(I'm talking about rape. Tread carefully.)

If you have ever heard about, read about, or talked to someone about a case of female against male rape (mostly but not limited to statutory) there is a good chance you've heard some pretty odd commentary. In addition to some women that don't understand how a woman can rape a man there are also some guys saying things to the effect of:

“I wish that had been me!”

“He should feel lucky!”

“He's a real man now!”

“Where were teachers like that when I was in school!”

Let's talk to those guys for a moment.

Okay guys when you talk about female against male rape and how that guy is lucky or however you say that him being raped is a good thing (or a not so bad thing) I don't think you're thinking about it properly.

When someone is raped that means that they had sex under some circumstance in which they were not able to consent (in statutory there is a legal presumption that a person under a certain age is not able to give consent for sex, even if they technically said yes). When you compare the experience of the male that was raped to your own desire to have sex with his rapist you are missing a very big detail.

That rape victim never got a say in that sexual encounter.

To make comments about how that male rape victim should have liked it or how you would have liked it you are trying to equate him being raped with your desire for a consensual encounter. However instead you should probably be comparing his experience with something else.

A sexual encounter in which your ability to consent is taken from you.

Picture it. Think about a sexual encounter that you would not want to have. It could be that you don't find that person sexually attractive. It could be that you are in a one on one relationship and you will not cheat on your partner. It could be that you simply do not want to have sex at that moment. It's your consent and you're free to give it or not give as you see fit.

Now imagine that your ability to say no, turn that person down, or otherwise not engage in sex (aka deny consent) is taken away from you or if you're considered not able to give consent (for example you're below the age of consent). She drugs you. She physically forces you. She blackmails you. The exact way doesn't matter, just that she made you have sex when you didn't want to.

THAT is what you should be comparing that male victim's experience to.

Just something to consider the next time you want to say something like that about a guy that was raped by a woman.
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