Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Uncertainty, Born of Despair

Quick review on the Spiral of Despair. That dark crossroads where one resides in which they have had precious little to no success in the areas of dating/sex/relationships and sees only unfavorable options:
1. Become spiteful and lash out in anger and jealousy.
2. Abandon the idea of dating/sex/relationships altogether.
3. Concluding that out of all the people in the world you are one that simply has no compatibility with anyone, and thus are truly undesirable.
None of these sound too pleasant. Lashing out at people over your own lack of success pretty much ensures that you will continue to fail. Giving up on a strong desire is not only hard to do but feels like chickening out just because the going got tough. When cross referencing you own lack of success against the idea that you are simply not compatible with anyone it becomes difficult to argue against it.

Also it leaves you feeling that the talk of, "There is someone for everyone." and "Everyone is beautiful in their own way." are only supported by the numerical fact that you will never be able to prove that there is no one for you (because who really has the opportunity to meet every person in the world that matches their orientation?) and even discovering your own beauty doesn't do much good when you're alone all the time. Its hard to maintain a positive outlook when the numbers and the history are working against you.

However there might be a glimmer of hope. You see I've recently moved and despite what I just said I do believe that there is at least an opportunity for me to try my hand at the things that I have been missing out on for most of my life. The big question is how do I go about taking advantage of this opportunity.

When it comes to these things I'm still pretty much that kid in high school that has really no idea how to talk to people, introduce myself, or anything like that. And even on the occasions that I did manage to get past these barriers they ended badly (well one time in particular was just unfavorable since she was simply not interested which while not great is at least sensible, the woman that I expressed interest in and was treated to 3 months of avoidance and silence on the other hand...).

And its not that I'm looking for a 100% sure fire magic bullet that will always end in a favorable result. What I'm looking for is the courage to take that chance to make a move and exactly how to make that move (although the occasional favorable result would be nice). Just to go ahead and get it out of the way I'm going to go ahead and say something about the one response I have heard plenty of times and would do well not to hear again anytime soon.

Just be yourself.

Now this sounds all fine and cheery and everything but let's face something. Being told to be yourself in the face of a history of unsuccess rings hollow. Apparently either something is wrong with myself or myself has just had the mathematical misfortune of never coming across someone that's interested in me.

Mathematical misfortune indeed. The passage of time. Unlike the days of my youth when one could argue that time was on my side the opposite is true now. Not only is time not on my side anymore but its probably my worst enemy.

"Why haven't you had a girlfriend?"

"What kind of guy goes so long without ever being in a relationship?"

"Well all the good ones are taken so why is he still available?"

"You're how old and you've never had sex? Are you gay or something?"

When your heart is empty the weight of such words increases drastically.

Maybe time has shown me an answer that I do not wish to face. Perhaps that something is wrong with me. I guess when you consider the math it would seem unlikely that there could be "someone for everyone" or that even with the idea that "everyone is beautiful in their own way" how certain can you be that you will come across someone that will see that beauty (thus leaving you with obscure assurance that you aren't ugly)? And while I can't be certain of all the people who offer these assurances I've noticed that a lot of them seem to have some level of success with these things. (I mean unless someone out there knows of a person that has made it to their early 30s with zero relationships, never even getting the point of wondering if it was love, one sexual experience, and can count on one hand the number of times someone has flirted with them...)

There's an old saying that goes, "Its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all". I'm starting to think there's at least some truth to that. The one that's loved is probably wanting that feeling back while the one that's never loved is probably wanting that feeling in the first place.

You're probably reading this and thinking its repetitive and looping. And you'd be right. When faced with three exits that are all displeasing and the fourth being dependent on another person its no surprise that a person can get lost in the Spiral.

(In case you're wondering why the hell I'm going on about this here its because I wager that I am not the only guy that's thinking what I'm thinking here. So please feel free to chime in on this.)