Wednesday, April 4, 2012

The power of words and the sting of loneliness

(I know that there is some overlap of people who read my stuff here and those who read NSWATM. In light of that I have to give a warning. If the post that Ozy did on April Fool's Day hit a sore spot or two with you then you may not want to read this, lest you risk having those sore spots hit again. And Ozy if you're reading this, hear and me and hear me good. This is not some attack at you for that post. This is me trying to open up about a sadness I've held in for an extremely long time. You may have similar experiences (or lack thereof depending on how you look at it) and if you do then I'm sure you'll see nothing new here.)

After reading a certain April Fool's Day post I was not in the best of mindsets. It didn't help that the brakes on my car failed and I had worked on my next Sprial of Despair post that same day. With that stuff on my mind I think I made a big mistake. I listened to "Given" by Black Tape for a Blue Girl the next day.

I know I've said in the past that I'm a bit on the fence about how much lyrics matter in a song and frankly its very rare that I pay attention to the lyrics of a given song unless they are just so clear and addictive that I pick them up on an almost subconscious level. But today it seemed like a combination of Ozy's post, my own posts, my car troubles, and the traffic I had to go through on my way home from work just culminated in a perfect storm where some of the lyrics of this song just hit me in a way that they truly never hit me before.

Here are the lyrics for the song.
I want to stop thinking of love
Dreaming of love
Defining love
I want to feel the earth below me
Ravish me

The waterfall, the illuminating gas
The bachelors, suitors at my call
I used to dream of love as a machine
Myself as the motor, erotic energy

I'm ready to experience this love
To look beyond this glass
Leave concept for reality
I want to feel the water immerse me
Consuming me
I want to leave behind this lauded virginity
To experience love
To be taken by love
I want to feel the sunlight upon me
Overpower me

The waterfall, the illuminating gas
The cinematic blossoming, halo of the bride.
I used to diagram love as a machine
Myself as the motor, erotic energy
That first verse has me thinking about how a person wants to get love off of there mind. They no longer want think about it, they don't want to fantasize about having it, they don't want to conjure images of what it might be. They just want to get rid of all thoughts of love. Get their head out of the clouds and come back to earth so to speak.

That second verse (or first chorus?) seems to be a pretty straight forward memory of her (the singer) dreaming of love and being full of erotic energy. With suitors at her call it would seem that in her dreams love wasn't much of a problem.

The third verse has me thinking that she is recalling (and I say recall because this runs counter with the first verse where she appeared to be ready to abandon love) her desires for love. Where she no longer dreams about it but actually lives it. She talks about being consumed by love and leaving behind a lauded virginity. I wonder if she is talking about more than just sexual virginity there. Could she be also talking about experience love, not sexual but emotional love, for the first time? (And I think the "lauded" may be a nod to how a woman's virginity is regarded as a treasure to be guarded.)

The fourth verse (or second chorus?) sounds like the second verse where she is dreaming of love and being full of erotic energy. Talking of cinematics and having the hale of the bride I get the feeling she is talking about having a lover and exploring her sexuality.

Now maybe I'm painting my own thoughts and feelings over what's really going on here but this seems to resonate with me a bit. Having thoughts of love. A desire for the dreams and thoughts becoming reality. Being all sexual and sensual with partners. Wanting to abandon the idea of love altogether. This is stuff I have swirled in my head more times that I care to recall.

When you've got very little to no experience(*) when it comes to love (or even something that may or may not be love) you mind wanders in all kinds of directions. And when the mind wanders things, especially on a subject it can't let go of, things can get dark.

Its real easy to get lost in your own thoughts of loneliness and inadequacies when you have no experiences to say otherwise. And when that happens its extremely easy to be set off by things, even things that weren't meant in ill faith.

* - Let's be clear. I'm not talking about having a long relationship, breaking up, and thinking back on the good times of that relationship. I'm not talking about having a series of short term flings but never having anything long term. I'm not talking about having your world destroyed by a past lover and wanting to curl up in a ball and die. I'm sure those things hurt but I say, "I'm sure" for a reason, being I don't know the pain of those things. What I'm talking about here is a sadness and loneliness that takes decades to accumulate. A sadness and loneliness that comes from having extremely little (or no) deep human contact (and not just sexual) across several decades. A sadness and loneliness that comes from never having been in a relationship while spending your entire life seeing other people be in them. I'm talking about a sadness and loneliness that nearly has you convinced that you are unlovable, unfuckable, unwanted, unappreciated, unvalued, and otherwise undesirable.