Monday, February 13, 2012

Nice Guys aren't found in the wild

If you don't get the pun in that title its a reference to the game Pokemon. For those not in the know its a series of games that mostly center around obtaining animal like creatures and battling them against each other. Long story short there I said obtain and not capture because a lot of them cannot be caught because they are not out in the wild to be caught.

Umbreon, The Moonlight Pokemon

Take for instance Umbreon. Pretty good dark type pokemon to have in your party. However one thing is for sure is that as of my typing this you will never be able to capture one in the wild on any hand held system no matter how much grass you walk through. That's what I'm talking about here so let's move on from the game references.

Some people seem to think that Nice Guys got that level of hatred and contempt towards women around the same time they got their eye color, fingerprint pattern, and their heterosexuality. I just don't think it is that simple.

That kind of rage, hatred, and disregard for women has come from somewhere. And I think I know some possible sources. Mind you I'm not sure I'd call these Nice Guys but I know I want to talk about their behavior because I don't think it starts with hatred of women. And if we don't talk about where it comes from how can it be dealt with?

Formula Man: First off we have the guy that was raised to believe that when it comes to male/female relations there is a single magic bullet formula that is supposed to work every time without fail. One such formula is to be cocky and arrogant to get her attention. Another is to have money. Another still is to have some sort of fame or notoriety. Operating under the belief that these things are supposed to guarantee success* with women this guy tries a formula and it doesn't work. The formula is supposed to work but it didn't. It doesn't help that he sees other guys use this exact formula and find not just success but repeated success. "I'm doing the same thing that he is but I'm striking out while that guy is scoring home run after home run. Something ain't right."

A lot of people think that this guys goes straight to hating women. And I bet that does happen in some cases but I don't think that is the case with every single one of them (in fact I don't think many of them make that leap). Instead it seems to me that there is an eternal conflict in this guy's mind where he desperately tries to figure out what is wrong with himself that's causing this chronic case of failure (remember he took on this formula in the first place because that he that without he would have no chance with women).

This could result in several changes to the formula or even trying different formulas altogether. You may see this play out in teen boys that drastically change their style, attitude, etc... in an effort to be successful with girls. Well when all those failures continue to stack up something happens. This guy decides that after trying so many different things to be successful and still failing that something must be wrong with girls/women. A kind of a "WTF? They don't want this? That's not right. They are supposed to want this. They live for this and want nothing else but this."

Yes internalization will only take a guy so far and after a while its bound to come out. And thus you have the Nice Guy that thinks women are supposed to work according to some sort of formula and the fact that he tried this formula and it didn't work from him proves that something is wrong with any woman that doesn't abide by it and if he can just find one that does everything will be okay.

So as we can see its not like this guy hate women from the get go. You can say perhaps a disregard for what an individual woman wants but disregard does not equal hatred. And that's what its about. Individuality. He is not taking a given woman's individuality into account when considering the idea that there is some all perfect formula that will grant him success with women/girls.

The It Man: Next we have the guy that believe he has to have a certain "it". Not to be confused with the formulaic guy above he recognizes that there is no magic bullet for being successful with women. He takes individuality into account and knows that different women like different things. Such a guy sees other men that are successful with women and see that it worked for them because they have something to offer that she was interested in. He knows its going to take more than just copying what those guys are doing to find success. No its going to be something that this guy himself brings to the table.

Well this guy tries and tries again and the only consistency he sees in his efforts is that he fails. Is he really that undesirable? Could it possible that he has somehow managed to be the one man in all the world that really has nothing about him that would make him desirable to women?

This is guy is going to be a bit tricky. First off there's no telling how many failures it will take for him to start doubting himself. Second of all once he starts doubting himself he is probably going to go through another dark place before he starts hating women. Yes I'm talking about The Spiral of Despair. This is the place where our guy may end up where he starts to doubt himself in a serious way.

"What's the point of trying to date I am totally undesirable?"

"Should I just give up and learn to live without it?"

"If I do does that does it mean that I'm a coward or being lazy for not continuing?"

"Of course different women have different tastes but for there to be no woman that I'm compatible with?"

"It can't be that something is wrong with all those women."

"It has to be something wrong with me."

"But can there be something that's wrong with me that turns off every single woman?"


"Impossible you say?"

"No. There is no way that I'm undesirable to all of them."

"Then it must be them right?"

"Must be."

"Yeah it would be one thing to get strike out some of the time, most of the time, even damn near all the time, but every single time? I can't be that bad, can I?"

"No way."

Being trapped the Spiral of Despair is not a nice thing but for the person trapped in it there are only a precious few ways out of it and with the exception of actual success there aren't that many positive ways out of it. Our guy here seems to be on his way to choosing one of the more unhealthy ways out.

Between accepting that he's a terrible person (and having degree of success to prove that he is not a terrible person), giving up on the idea of dating altogether (which sounds too cowardly and/or lazy and the idea of "i'll find happiness elsewhere" sounds like a cop out), not wanting to be trapped in the Sprial and slowly become a hollow heart (which I think may be the one thing that's actually worse than a hardened heart), and who knows what else this guy has concluded that his "way out" will be to hold ill will and regard towards all women because of his lack of success. Because surely if he hasn't met a single woman that was interested in him then there must be something wrong with the whole lot of them right?

Thankfully there is one crucial difference between our Moonlight Pokemon and the two guys I was comparing them to. While there is no way to get our dear Eevee back once its become Umbreon I think its entirely possible for (most) guys to overcome their hatred and disregard for women. Formula Man would make a lot of progress if he could just unlearn the thought that women follow some script of how they are supposed to be and are just waiting for a guy to come along to play the role of her man.

A fitting post for Valentine's Day tomorrow isn't?

(* - Just so we are clear I want it known that when I say "success" or "successful" it does not necessarily mean sexual success. A lot of guys just want partner. A lot of guys just want a date. A lot of guys just want to be able to tell themselves that they are not horrible losers that no woman wants to be around. A lot of guys just want to be thought of as attractive, beautiful, sexy, etc... by a woman. A lot of guys just want to know that they aren't sentenced to a lifetime of solitude. In other words its not always about sex.)