Sunday, November 6, 2011

Well it is my birthday and all...

Okay so I'm settled in the hospital with dad. Don't worry its been confirmed that they are gall stones (which is good to know because he was scared as hell that it was cancer, for good reason). So neverminding the fact that I'm spending my birthday in my dad's hospital room I've come to a conclusion. I've been thinking it for a long time (remember all those times where I've hinted towards my emotional state but always said I'd come back to it later?). Actually I think I've known it for a long time but just didn't want to admit it. Here goes.

Emotionally speaking, I'm dead on the inside.

I've been with my dad over the last several days after rushing him to the ER at 5am on Thursday morning. From that, to hearing him moan in pain (and asking for something to relieve it), to seeing him almost tear up thinking the blockages in his pancreas were tumors. The whole time my emotional response has been limited to extreme aggravation at relatives that think calling me every hour is going to generate progress.

Maybe its just the way that I've been raised to think how people should act in stressful times like this but I think something is really wrong with me. And this is not an isolated case.

Back in 2004 when my mom died I was literally the only person in my immediate family that didn't shed a single tear. No choked voice, no water eyes, just some sadness. Same thing when my grandmother died about 2 months after that.

When I was in high school and the vice principal died same thing. Imagine sitting in a church full of crying friends, family, and students and not have any sort of reaction on your face.

In college caught a buddy home for a holiday but before heading out we stopped to his aunt and uncle's house. The uncle had a heart attack while we were there. He passed away but I remember the EMTs on the scene and the aunt thanking me for how calm I was and how well I kept their kids from panicking, who were small children at the time (and mind you I don't even like kids that much).

Its just this weird thing about me that causes me to be deathly (maybe not the best word) calm in situations that would terrify normal people or at least cause some sort of other noticeable reaction.

To this end I've gotten to the point where I simply don't want to be in such situations anymore. I feel like people are looking at me and thinking, "What kind of souless monster can go through this with such a blank expression?". Don't believe me? How many times have you seen people say something like, "If you don't (display expected emotional response to this pic/story/ect...) then you have no soul."

This is part of the reason I don't want kids. I don't like the idea of raising soulless kids.

Well enough of that for now.

12 comments:

Clarissa said...

Happy Birthday, Danny.

I've had some experiences that are very similar to yours, so I really get this post.

DaisyDeadhead said...

Seriously, dude, some advice: if anybody ever gets killed around you, try to muster up some tears. Being unemotional is the first thing they look for in a suspect. I was married to a biker, remember? (or maybe you didn't know that) He was always very poker-faced too (unlike you, he was a STORM inside, but never showed it) and they would always question him about everything: "You don't seem too upset," is always how they started these conversations.

When you say you are dead inside, do you mean you really have no feelings? Or are they just delayed? Does anything upset you? If so, the point is simply that death does not upset you, not that nothing does. If that makes sense. Some people really are not that upset by death, I have learned. If you are a Christian or have similar "afterlife" beliefs, then you believe you will see the person again and lots of people are therefore not upset by death.

If "nothing" impacts you, keep in mind that Buddhist strive for this state, called equanimity. It is Western values that call it "soulless"... in fact, Buddhism posits that the unique soul is an illusion.

http://www.insightmeditationcenter.org/books-articles/articles/equanimity/

You might want to change religions and feel better about yourself, ;)

xoxo

Danny said...

Thanks Clarissa. Thankfully things are getting better.

Danny said...

Daisy:
Seriously, dude, some advice: if anybody ever gets killed around you, try to muster up some tears. Being unemotional is the first thing they look for in a suspect. I was married to a biker, remember? (or maybe you didn't know that) He was always very poker-faced too (unlike you, he was a STORM inside, but never showed it) and they would always question him about everything: "You don't seem too upset," is always how they started these conversations.
That mentality has always aggravated me. Its about like going into a husband/wife DV situation and going straight to the guy because he's a guy.

When you say you are dead inside, do you mean you really have no feelings? Or are they just delayed? Does anything upset you? If so, the point is simply that death does not upset you, not that nothing does. If that makes sense. Some people really are not that upset by death, I have learned. If you are a Christian or have similar "afterlife" beliefs, then you believe you will see the person again and lots of people are therefore not upset by death.
There are things that get a emotional response (you've seen me in forums before) but death and illness just don't do it for me.

I'm actually Agnostic when it comes to religion (more of "Yeah there might be a higher power but I'm not sure how it is and I really don't care that much about who/what it is".).

elementary_watson said...

Delayed best wishes for your birthday from me, too, Danny, and don't let society tell you how you should feel about anything (easier said than done, I know).

Danny said...

Thanks EW.

Tit for Tat said...

A little late but Happy Birthday Danny. If you ever get a chance and you are in Ottawa give me a shout. You can a have a Massage at our wellness clinic(on the house). It sounds like you could use one. :)

Danny said...

Thanks titfortat.

Funny you mention massages. I've never had one before. And I'm not talking some fancy country club one either. That's another one of my oddities. I don't do a whole lot of that human contact stuff. Its not that I have a phobia or anything that limits it it just doesn't happen.

Rest assured this one post is but a rather small part of what goes on in Danny's Mind.

Tit for Tat said...

Hey Danny

This is one area I know all too well. Unfortunately many men either see massage as luxury or sex. Actually much of western society see's it that way. It is a shame when the truth is we all need loving, therpeutic touch with no strings attached. What part of the states are you in?

Danny said...

This is one area I know all too well. Unfortunately many men either see massage as luxury or sex. Actually much of western society see's it that way. It is a shame when the truth is we all need loving, therpeutic touch with no strings attached. What part of the states are you in?
Yeah and the belief that men see it as luxury or sex is not limited to men.

Chances are I'm so empty on the inside I'd probably die of excitement over being touched by another person, and sadly it that excitement wouldn't be sexual.

I live on the East Coast (NC to be exact).

Sheena said...

Hi Danny. Sorry I'm so late sending you birthday wishes.

I can't remember if we talked about this or not, but I was in the same situation emotionally.

For me, the reason was childhood trauma. It took me a year of therapy to even scratch that surface because I had to peel off layer after layer of what I had built around it. That was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.

What came next was a flood of emotions I wasn't used to and didn't really like. I stuck with it and I'm so glad I did. I'm feeling! I'm no longer numb and feeling dead on the inside.

I'm not trying to push therapy on you. But I am encouraging a little introspection whether it's through meditation like Daisy said or something else.

Best wishes to you and your dad, and I know it's been a while but if you ever want to talk, I'll listen.

Danny said...

Hey Sheena! How have you been lately?

Thankfully my dad is fine (just had to have his gall bladder removed).

As far as where I am now I can definitely say it wasn't childhood trauma. I've been slowing dying long enough and had enough time to think about it to think that my own emptiness is the result of...well emptiness. Like I have a void that I haven't filled but its been left empty for so long that I think its too late to find it and fill it.

And thanks for stopping by.

(I'm actually going to be up that way this weekend but its a really short trip. Coming in Friday morning and leaving out Sunday afternoon. I'd like to have more time to visit other people (like you and its looking like I may not even get up with Harold while I'm up there) but that will more than likely have to wait until a later time.)

-->