Monday, November 14, 2011

The only good touches for men are sexual?

I've been on a bit of a self diagnostic kick lately and have been reminded of another part of me that's probably a bit lacking.

Last week titfortat told me:
You can a have a Massage at our wellness clinic(on the house). It sounds like you could use one. :)


To which I responded with:
That's another one of my oddities. I don't do a whole lot of that human contact stuff. Its not that I have a phobia or anything that limits it it just doesn't happen.


Well I was going to revisit this later on but Ozy's touched on it a bit so now's as good a time as any.

Virginal men, especially if they don’t have romantic relationships, are often touch-starved. There is one acceptable way for men to get touched: sexually. Casual cuddles with friends are Not Allowed. Woo, homophobia!


For the most part growing up with the script of being a man shoved down our throats most of us were raised with some odd messages with regards to touch. When we're young touching is fine among family but even that has a shelf life (I'm betting I'm not the only one that kinda shied away from physical contact with even my parents as I hit my teen years). Once the teen years hit it seems that out of nowhere the only acceptable type of touching is in a romantic or sexual way. Well for those of us who are not touching or getting touched in those "appropriate" ways things can get pretty lonesome.

As I was telling titfortat in the comments of that post I've never had a massage before. Well it actually goes beyond laying on a table wrapped in a towel and getting rubbed down. In a short bit of thinking I can only count 2 times in my life that I've ever been touched in a massaging manner in a non professional setting. Hell the only time I hug people is when the other person reaches for me first.

But anyway when it comes to being a man and touching it just seems that that, like most other, line of emotional support is forbidden to us as a part of how we are conditioned to fulfill our role in The System. No we are supposed to rock hard stoic creatures in order to charge forth and do all that we can to make The System stronger (namely in the way of labor as external providers). Because really what kind of "real man" would look for emotional support when should be out there making some faceless power structure more money that it knows what to do with (well at least it knows not to actually include the people whose backs were broken for that profit).

Maybe that's the point of "allowing" us touching for sexual and romantic purposes. A little outlet so that we don't get totally touch-starved, as Ozy says. Well when tying the only "appropriate" touching to something like relationships and sex that leaves a lot of guys hanging. Guys who just don't feel like being in relationships. Guys who do have little to no success in relationships. Guys who aren't interested in relationships with women (because let's face it even among "appropriate" touching for guys gay guys still get pissed on in terms of displays of touching and affection). Guys who are soul crushingly shy when it comes to expressing desire for affection.

Come on I know I'm not the only thinking about touching and guys (okay some of us may be thinking about touching guys right now but that's cool too). Don't be scared to share.

10 comments:

Jim said...

Danny am I coming through now?

Good post, BTW. some people just don't like as much touch as others. My ex-wife says that's true of air signs.

Jim said...

Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?

Some people just don't like a lot of touch. Personal variation.

Meticulous Mouser said...

First off, be careful of self diagnosis, it could be a dangerous thing.

Secondly, I think it is absurd how society views men and touching, whether it is platonic, familial, or romantic. Touch, in general is a good thing. Granted, it does get a little tricky for those with various neurological conditions that make touch physically uncomfortable. So much can be conveyed in a touch: love, compassion, comfort, pleasure, etc. That is something we all need.

Given some of the things you have been talking about as of late, it really does sound like you should take up the offer of a massage. You've been going through a lot.

You've talked about thinking your are dead inside. I somehow doubt that. It sounds like you're overwhelmed and cut off from yourself. Some sort of soothing touch could help with that.

I challenge you to be the hugger, instead of the huggie when you're with friends. It may feel a little awkward at first if you're the one reaching first, but I doubt that hug will get turned down.

Danny said...

You are coming in loud and clear Jim.

Some people just don't like a lot of touch. Personal variation.
That's true but with myself I wonder if I really don't care for touch or have I just gone so long without it that I have subconsiously told myself that touching is just not for me.

Danny said...

Mouser:
I challenge you to be the hugger, instead of the huggie when you're with friends. It may feel a little awkward at first if you're the one reaching first, but I doubt that hug will get turned down.
I appreciate the encouragement but its gonna be a long road on that one. As of last night I was still struggling looking at pictures of myself.

You see growing up large, black, and male is not easy when it comes to touch because that's pretty much the trifecta of a threat (aka The Big Scary Black Man). During my college days I had female friends that had no problem hugging on me but even then I rarely initiated contact because even for as open as they were it was drilled in my head that such things were just off limits.

Meticulous Mouser said...

All change takes time, if you're willing to work at it, and have people who love you enough to support your efforts.

I think its tragic the things society drills into us. I think some of the biggest lies we tell ourselves were born from the bs that is thrown at us. I've seen wonderful people end up miserable because they had it drilled into them that they couldn't do something, or it wasn't acceptable, because of their weight, skin color, sex/gender, age, or beliefs.

Keep fighting the good fight.

Tit for Tat said...

I think the beginning of this video says it all for many men.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1TaYcEUeDI&feature=related


On a side note. I found it very telling that Ozy would ban be for using the word bitch even though I explained exactly how I was using it and why I was using it. Then Noah and Ozy only reprimanded Daisy for telling someone else to fuck off and suggesting that she shove something up their ass. You know what the difference between Daisy and I were, right?

Sheena said...

Wanting touch is part of being human, if you believe in the hierarchy of needs. That may be part of the loneliness issue.

Regarding hugging, are you worried about how it would be perceived? Women are pretty good at judging whether or not a touch is sexual. If your intentions are friendly, it will show.

I agree with Mouser and think you should look into the massage. Once you start, it may become easier for you to initiate touch with the people you are close to.

Danny said...

Regarding hugging, are you worried about how it would be perceived? Women are pretty good at judging whether or not a touch is sexual. If your intentions are friendly, it will show.
Very much so Sheena. I'll have to give it a try though.

I agree with Mouser and think you should look into the massage. Once you start, it may become easier for you to initiate touch with the people you are close to.
Perhaps so.

Danny said...

I think the beginning of this video says it all for many men.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1TaYcEUeDI&feature=related

Yes it does Titfortat. Yes it does.

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