Sunday, January 30, 2011

All is not well in Danny's Corner...

Don't ask me where The Nightmare Begins.

All I can say is that I'm staring Into The Darkness.

For the longest time I've been Fighting The Darkness.

But at some point something managed to Infect Me.

Something has managed to Touch Me in a way that I knew was totally wrong but rather than resist I embraced it.

My heart of gold has become a Heart of Black.

I'm no longer a confused Castaway in Darkness.

I was a member of the very Dark Covnant I had called myself fighting against.

The Miasma has clouded my mind.

Before continuing my part in the fight against darkness I have to return from my own Dark World.

To put it simply after all the time I've spent in talking to people recently I've come to realize that I've been poisoned. Poisoned with blind hatred to the point where I simply look for opportunities to lash out (actually not so much look for opportunities to lash out but rather when they come I go too far) Poisoned to the point where I simply don't bother listing to other people people because I've already decided that they simply aren't going to listen or that they will just find any excuse to write off what I say.

Yes I've come across A LOT of people like that in my day but I think its come to where I just don't bother hearing them out because I know what they are gonna say. But despite how often I may be right there are plenty of times where I'm wrong and don't realize it (or perhaps don't want to admit it).

I've been trying to pull this poison out of my system for the last few days (look for the appearance of a person named AB, good people and a hell of lot better than a lot of the feminists I've had the 'privilege' of crossing paths with) while making sure to avoid others like the plague (who knew that being a virgin for a long time was proof of creepiness, not agreeing with the assumption that no man has any respect for women is a mark of privilege, and while men who have been hurt by women should know better than to generalize all women as bad its okay for women who have been hurt by men to generalize all men as bad).

Oh and when a fat guy shares his feelings the most important thing to remember is that while it may suck for fat guys women are the real victims of fat hatred so fat guys need to get over themselves, check their male privilege, and get to work on helping women or some silly shit like that. Translation, "Fat hatred is actually fat woman hatred and fat acceptance is actually fat woman acceptance because fat guys really don't have it that bad right? Just look at Homer Simpson and how Kevin James is type cast." (Yeah and we can tell which white people are racist by looking for the ones that don't have black friends.) But damn I know I'm on the edge because even as someone tried to show support I was really close to snapping at them because they used that damn lip service line "Patriarchy Hurts Men Too".

It looks like I've gotten to the point that now that I'm finally starting to speak up my fears over having to deal with people that would rather I just pretend that being male is a cakewalk have evolved into blind rage. Maybe its burnout. Maybe its that I'm angry. Maybe its that I'm tired. Maybe its that I'm burned out, angry, and tired of being held to some expectation that I as a man am simply not allowed to talk freely unless I get proper approval from people who have decided they know my life better than I do.

In conclusion I'm taking a gender break. More than likely I'll keep posting other stuff but I'm out of meds and I'm just not in the fucking mood to deal with gender right now. I'm sure I'll be back but I have no idea how long I'll be away (no more than a week I bet). The comments are set for post moderation (meaning they actually show up right when you post them and I moderate later) so by all means continue talking. I'm just taking a break on gender.


Anonymous said...

Not a hard topic to burn out on. There's so much vitriol being spewed forth from so many people that it's hard to ignore for me.


OuyangDan said...

*great big hugs if you want them*

It is SO HARD to speak against mainstream things. And, I know you don't want to hear it, but the patriarchy does hurt men too, and while I may not always agree with the things you say, I do hear what you are saying right now (and would venture that the kyriarchy hurts men like YOU too). Sometimes while we fight in social justice (because I am currently fighting with the term *feminist* and don't think it fits me anymore) it really drains us, and sometimes the people we think are supposed to ally with us end up bullying us simply because they don't agree that our oppression exists or lies on an axis at all.

Hang in there. You matter. You count. And if you need to duck out or step back a bit, do it for you. Not because anyone told you that you don't matter.

Endless Summer said...

Chiming in with my support - I only fell into all this stuff about two months ago and my head still feels like it's full of hornets. I got here via FC and it's through reading your stuff and some of the others there that I managed to get some sort of a grip on things. Just thought I'd let you know that you had a pretty positive impact here.

Danny said...

Thanks Summer. And thanks for dropping by.

Danny said...

Many thanks Ouyang. I think what makes this so hard (to me at least) is that it seems that things I'm talking about are things that no one, even the things that so called "progressives", really wants to talk about. Or maybe its that they don't want to talk about them in the same way I do or who knows.

And, I know you don't want to hear it, but the patriarchy does hurt men too...
The problem with that line is that it really comes off sounding like lip service. Like they are just parroting it off for the sole sake of getting guys to shut up and fall in line. Like they really don't acknowledge how the system hurts men (personally I think the very usage of the word in that manner denies the existence of said damage).

But don't worry once I clear my head I'll be back in the fight. Can't say for certain I'll never have to duck out again, but I will return.

DaisyDeadhead said...

I know exactly what you mean. I don't know why everyone has to be so *mean* in Blogdonia. Gender really brings it out in people, proof that it has wounded most of us.

I can't help but wonder if there is even more gender-stuff going on in people's lives they can't deal with. And that feeling of being personally overwhelmed is what makes em go off on internet-denizens they don't even know. (I think Freud called it sublimation or displacement or something, yes?) They are really all wound up about something ELSE entirely, like their (our) powerlessness, which we then act out on each other, rather than try to change untenable situations.

As for the patriarchy hurting men too, actually, I don't think it hurts them all. The men who can articulate this and who can understand it, are (IMHO) the superior males, who understand that sexism is negative and should be eradicated. The ones still excusing brutal/insensitive/unaware men and that behavior? (i.e. Dick Cheney still excusing his fucking wars) Off with their heads! (No apologies for that. We must keep our EYE ON THE BALL.)

I didn't get the links; what was I supposed to be looking for?

Danny said...

Gender really brings it out in people, proof that it has wounded most of us.
I know right? Otherwise civilized people can get downright nasty as soon as you bring up gender.

Oh as for the links they were just a string of songs in an apparently sad attempt at describing how I feel.

Clarisse Thorn said...

I know the feeling. Good luck.

Danny said...

I'm gonna need it. I'm just growing very sick of being told that as a man my problems don't matter, or that I'm depending on feminists/women to handle them for me (which if anyone reads this blog knows full well that's not the case), or being treated like being male means that my problems are already at the front of the line (which is usually a dead give away that the person saying that is either a woman or a man that hasn't experienced things the way I have), or that I have no problems because I'm male, or the fact that I'm a nonfeminist actually counts against me, or that my life is a cakewalk despite me posting here pretty regularly that its not....

I've actually had these moments before its just that this time there was a massive clusterfuckperfectshitstorm of things that just triggered me over the edge.

Debbie said...

Also chiming in my support! I found your site through Womanist Musings and am enjoying it! The mudslinging around gets extremely ugly and no one really seems to listen to each others points sometimes....Heh, I have been wanting to do blogging about feminism, ect but am too chickenshit to do more then one post!

Danny said...

Hi and thanks for dropping by Debbie. My apologies for not responding sooner my main pc is out of commission and I hate using my laptop for blogging. If you want to post somewhere about feminism I recommend checking out The woman that runs the place (April) is always looking for contributions.

Debbie said...

Awesome! Thanks!