Wednesday, December 1, 2010

...but where did that expectation or demand come from?

With so much going on in the blog world its no surprise that sometimes there are things that you missed but when you come across them later you just have to say something. This is one of those times.

In that post figleaf talks about men and how should be simple wants (in relation to women) become demands and expectations.
But if the sexes are no different in that regard the genders are out of whack. Inside of gender men are indoctrinated not just to want but to expect as well. And whereas women are also brought up to have expectations of their own they’re also indoctrinated to regard men’s expectations as something they’re obliged to deal. To consent to or decline but never to be oblivious to, to disregard, or to dismiss as irrelevant.
I'm sure you could in some way argue against this assertion but one thing for sure is that this does hold true in some cases. What I want to do is go beyond just saying the point of saying there is a problem of men's wants becoming demands and expectations and go into how it actually happens.

One part of the old ways of gender relations between men and women is that there is this "give and receive" relationship. One gives. One receives. One receives. One gives. Rinse and repeat. With that setup people get accustomed to giving whatever it is they give and receiving whatever it is they receive in return. Throw gender in the mix and yes you will end up with men who think that because they "give" their wives a roof over their heads they are expected to "receive" sex (and let's not forget women who "give" by keeping the home clear and therefore expect to "receive" lots of material possessions) and other examples. Obviously there are problems with this setup.

First and foremost this relationship operates under the premise that since person A gave something to person B person B has no choice but to give something back to person A. Such expectation and demand pretty much robs person B of consent on the matter.

Next person A ends up left thinking that in order to receive from person B they must give. I can certainly see where A could feel like they are being held over a barrel because they must give X in order to get Y. Person B could very well realize this and start withholding Y until person A gives X.

Sounds like a transaction doesn't it?

Now as for where this comes from its not individual men themselves or even men as a collective (although some would like to think it does). The culprit here is The System.

Its going to take more than faulting men with having these expectations (although some do because it makes them feel better I guess). Its going to take The System being broken so that men won't be raised to think that they have to fulfill so one half of a bargain in order to get sex in return.