Friday, August 20, 2010

Is My Husband GAY?

Okay before you go nuts hear me out and check out this article over at ChristWire. (I got to it through a mention of it at Huffington Post.)

You know how I roll when I come across stuff like this that tries to bind men inside a tiny box of what is acceptable behavior for us or using even the slightest thing to instantly label us. I like to take it apart and make fun of it. Here goes "a list of 15 commonly-accepted characteristics of men struggling with homosexuality within a marriage". (Okay I'm not married but I engage in a lot of these behaviors or want to engage in them and know married men who do and would as well.)

1) Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers
Porn addiction is closely associated with homosexuality and a secretive nature implies he’s trying to hide something from you. Be on the lookout for a man who doesn’t want to web surf or answer phone calls in your presence. Texting is another favorite trick used by adulterers. For the sake of trust, a married couple should share everything, including phone logs, email accounts, chat friends and website histories.

Okay I've never fully understood how porn addiction could be closely associated with homosexuality unless said person is watching gay porn so I'll leave that part along. The confusing there here is after that first sentence the rest of the comment here is descriptive of any situation where adultery MAY be going on. So how exactly does it point to homosexuality? No idea.

2) Looks at other men in a flirtatious way
When you’re out in public, does he spend too much time looking at other men? Is he fond of winking at people? Does he get visibly upset when someone does not return a compliment about his physical appearance?

Okay if he is actually flirting then maybe there's something to it. Have they considered that he might be bisexual?

3) Feigning attention in church and prayer groups
Have you noticed a lack of interest in spiritual issues? Does it ever seem as if he’s just using church as an excuse to spend time around young men? Does he volunteer to mentor in all-male groups?

Okay this one almost sounds like a contradiction. If he lacks interest in spiritual issues he might be gay but if he engages in spiritual activities with young men (because apparently gay men only go for young guys...). Add this to the thought that trying to spend time around women as a sign of trying to get with them and you have a trap where no matter what the guy does he's up to something wrong. And what's wrong with working with all male groups. I mean damn do we really have to be around women all the time or something? (Does this mean that a woman that spends time volunteering to mentor all female groups might be gay as well?)

4) Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home
Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them. They sweat and they smell. Homosexuals often abhor this sort of thing and will also be incredibly particular about the cleanliness of the home. Does your man tweeze his eyebrows, trim his pubic hairs or use face moisturizers? Is he picky about brand name shampoos? Does he spend more time getting ready for a night out than you do?

The time someone starts complaining about how men are oh so privileged over women for not being expected to smell like Freshly Bloomed Lavender Plants After A Light Misty Spring Rain I want them to remember stuff like this. Apparently we are supposed to smell like motoroil and ballsweat (yes I went there) in order to assert that we are men. This item is just the usual bullshit about how men are expected to be dirty in order to prove our manhood. Moving on!

5) Gym membership but no interest in sports
Gay men use the gym as a place to socialize and to have secret liaisons in the bathrooms. They like to work out their bodies without the competition of sports play. Afterward, they use the showers and steam rooms to engage in sexual activity beyond the prying eyes of women. If your man returns from the gym too exhausted to talk or have sex, that is a worrisome sign.

Staying fit? No. Wanting to be healthy? Nope. Want to get a workout without having go find a game? Never. It would seem that the only reasons men to go gyms are to play sports and fuck each other.

6) Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”
Gay men don’t need words to communicate their availability for sex “hook ups.” They silently broadcast the news by showing off their lean, hard bodies in designer clothing labels. If your husband owns skinny jeans and looks at his buttocks in the mirror or if he wears an inordinate number of small-sized t-shirts, it is probably worthwhile to pay more attention to his private activities.

Hold up. I thought guys did that stuff to show off for women too. This is getting so damn confusing. Didn't even know that I don't like tight clothes because of my body. Nah I don't like tight clothes because I'm not gay.

7) Strange sexual demands
Fetishism is a sign that a man is seeking a harder thrill beyond the normal intimacy of heterosexual relations. The woman may not appeal to the deep desires that are coming to the surface as the marriage drags on. If there is a sudden interest in sodomy, sadomasochism, lubricants, role-play, sex toys or other non-traditional intercourse methods, this is clearly an indication of deep emotional abnormalities.

Okay come on this is too easy. Even a feminist can take this "sign" apart. Basically its telling us that if he is up for anything other than basic run off the mill missionary Tab A into Slot B sex then something is wrong with him. I know I've talked about this one before.

8) More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films
Pornography is a dangerous element in any marriage but there are many Christians who feel watching it does add something to their sexual lives. If you have gone down this road and find that your man perks up at the sight of the men in these sorts of videos, you should be concerned. If he selects films because of specific male actors, this is an obvious sign that he is suffering from a crisis of ego and desire.

Men finding men attractive is a "sign that he suffering from a crisis of ego and desire"? The more and more I go through this list I get the feeling that the writer of it and the people that buy into it would have their worlds totally destroyed at the thought of a bisexual guy much less a gay guy.

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
Some husbands will spend a great deal of money traveling far from home to hide their deplorable same-sex actions. Big cities offer indulgence of every kind. From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?

Big cities or Asia? The way this sounds the writer doesn't seem to think that sneaking off with women is that big a deal. And as for there being a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Fransisco without his wife ummmm....yeah its called work. Last time I checked a lot of big business goes on in those places.

10) Too many friendly young male friends
Someone who makes an extra effort to surround themselves with younger men should raise concerns in any community. If this is the case with your husband, ask yourself if he prefers their company to that of women. Do they touch each other or embrace in long hugs? Do they exchange expensive, personal gifts like scarves or cologne?

Now if we have too many peers that are like us we might be gay too? This relates to what I said in item 3. If we're trying to spend time with most women then we're accused of being gay or trying to have sex with them and now apparently trying to spend time around men is a sign of being gay. Fuck.

11) Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends
A man who is secretly engaged in homosexual activity with others may exhibit feminine qualities when they get together in a group. In a sense, he has “let his hair down” and this will be seen in excessive back talk and speaking with one’s hands.

Feminine qualities? They went there with a straight face? So what does it mean if we do that shit around women too? I think I'm really starting to lose my resolve to take this list apart. This item is just too much.

12) Love of pop culture
It’s quite common for young men to enjoy the science fiction end of popular culture, but when your husband becomes overly obsessed with romantic and feminine shows, that is cause for alarm. Gossip websites, Glee and The Golden Girls are three well-documented icons of the gay movement that genuine heterosexual men avoid.

Gossip sites bore me, Golden Girls is a classic 80s that stands the test of time, and I can't stand musicals. But I'm quite fond of Amelie, came closer to crying than ever in the last 10 years because of one song from the movie Nine, and have fingernails that make some women threaten to cut them off. Oh and then there's all the Ghost Whisperer, Pretty Little Liars, and Charmed I've watched in my day. And here's the kicker (you better sit down for this one). I actually watched "Incredibly True Adventure of 2 Girls in Love" and "But I'm A Cheerleader" for reasons that don't include "watching teh hawtt chix make out". Tee Hee.

13) Extroverted about his bare chest in public
Does he go shirtless in the back yard or at picnics when other men are around? Does he wear a speedo at the beach? Does it seem like he’s purposely standing right in the middle of a crowd to show off his chest and arm muscles, peppering people with questions about how strong he looks? He may be craving physical affirmation from other men and desperately looking for hints of shared desires in those around him.

This is another one of those confusing mixed signals. From what I recall the reason guys do this is to 1)Show off for women and 2)Let the other guys around know that there is someone better looking than them (and thus making them jealous of their superior woman attracting body) and will therefore attract any women around.
But oh well.

14) Sudden heavy drinking
Sometimes people dealing with an unbearable emotional issue like homosexuality will turn to alcohol to hide their distress. Does your man disappear on drinking binges for long hours without answering his cellphone? Is there a strange odor about him when he returns, some strange mix of cigarettes and gel? Does he cry frequently?

Usually when a man disappears for a long time the first thought is he's with another woman (double that if he's not answering his cell phone). Gel? Okay the last thing men need is to be told that something is wrong with us when we cry. Its hard enough to put with it from the rest of society but when one of the places where a man should be free to open himself up is telling him that crying may be a sign of homosexuality?

15) Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay?
This is an important question to ask yourself when your marriage starts to have problems. Statistics have shown that women who have encountered gay men romantically in the past are the most likely to repeat this mistake in future relationships. If you answered yes, you should ask yourself whether you’re honestly looking for a man or just a shopping companion. Is sharing gossip more important to you than raising children? Ultimately, it’s a question of getting your priorities straight!

I think the person has watched too many episodes of Will and Grace. And between gossip, raising children, being a man, and shopping companion I'm willing to bet there are plenty that can do all four just fine. (I myself can only fulfill two of those four but that's another story.)

Men have had to put up with ages of expectations like this and I've really grown sick of them. Sick of being told I have to act a certain way or I'm not a man. Sick of having to say the right things, do the right things, smell the right way, do the right activities, etc... just to let the world know that I am a man.

And the part the really scares me here is that this is coming from a place that worships an all powerful being that is supposed to be benevolent and accepting of all people.

I know there was a reason I didn't take up the Church when my parents showed it to me....


sonja said...

I shouldn't really be surprised. This is, after all, coming from a Christian group who appear to hate gays.

April said...

I think is a satirical site.

UnderAnAssumedName said...

I often wonder whether Christwire can really be a serious website. Poe's law, as ever, is still in effect, but the other day they had an article on whether gay pets can go to heaven. I don't remember what their ultimate verdict was, but come on. Pets?

Danny said...

Glancing at the site I faintly thought that but the stuff on that list hit so close to home on the way men are "supposed" to act I just couldn't resist.

Jim said...

"Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers
Porn addiction is closely associated with homosexuality and a secretive nature implies he’s trying to hide something from you."

Sex addiction/porn addiction - I realized recently that these terms are just a stiil accpetable form of sut-shaming. You see it on a lot of sites where slut-shaming of women is always bad, slut-shaming of men is always acceptable.

Second point - what's with this "trying to hide something..." bullshit. Is there no privacy in a relationship? Didn't anyone tell this writer that a gentleman does not read another gentleman's mail, and the same goes fo a lady?

And whoopee - i finally can post comments here!

Danny said...

Jim I still don't know why you weren't able to comment here before...