Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Living lives and living lies

I was hanging out with an old friend of mine yesterday and during the various conversations we had I realized something.

It hit me I was being my open self for the first time in several months (and I think it was magnified by my recent work related stress) and it sucks to not be able to do so more often.

What do I mean by that you ask? Well the thing is I pretty much live two lives. In a double life setup in my everyday life (home, work, in the community, etc...) I pretty much close off most of my personality and play my part as a wheel in the clock of life. When people ask my opinion of things I tend to edit my real answers so that I won't scare the nice people. I pretty much don't talk about my deep interests in anime, my wide tastes in music, and I just let people presume heterosexuality when sex comes up. On the other hand when I'm away from home and away from family I can really let myself go and go nuts over anime, talk about any type of music under the sun, and have no worries about checking out and talking about men and women. Hell when I'm around home and family everyone calls me Daniel but when I'm away I answer to Danny. And yes the fact that I go by Danny here is a tell that I try to keep this blog separate from my hometown life.

It's not cool having to keep them divided like this and I think its starting to take a toll on me.

The easy solution would be to move (which considering how much I hate it that's my choice) but it would be bolder to just say fuck it, open up, and do da damn thing.

Who knows perhaps one day I will.