Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Pains, Triggers, and Automobiles

Okay so that wasn't the most clever title, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

This actually started earlier today at work. I was talking to coworker today about our dead parents (her dad and my mom) and pain associated with those events. During the conversation I managed to dig up a grudge that I had developed, kinda buried, and never really dealt with. I'll get back to that in a bit.

This evening when I get home I see this post by Sparky about anger. His post is about anger as a marginalized person (something that I dare say damn near every person alive knows) but the topic of anger triggered something in me. Back to the grudge.

You see when my mom was diagnosed with cancer I was away in college. A few months after I had left (but not graduated) I had a phone conversation with my dad in which he was talking about how we were going to have to keep and eye on here and help her and all that. My mom was a strong independent woman and really wasn't for people doing things for her so I knew something was up. So I just called for all the cards to be laid out and flatly asked, "She's sick isn't she?"

The problem with this conversation is that it was taking place in June-July but she was diagnosed back in February-March. See the problem? Yeah that's not all. To make it worse not only was I figuring it out on my own several months after the fact apparently literally the rest of the family knew about it except for me. Yeah my dad told me that she didn't want me to find out about it while I was away at college and didn't have anyone up there with me (my younger sister was still at home and my other sibling are married so they "had someone with them").

That's the point where my soul started to go empty.

No matter how many times I run that reasoning through my head it still only sounds like an excuse. I mean my mother was dying of cancer and the rest of the family knew about it while I'm toiling away at college none the wiser.

That's the point where the my trust and love for my family faded. And frankly no even after all this time it still hasn't been restored.

How can you expect someone to just "get over it" when the it is something so damn huge? Well that's just what my dad expects me to. That's why I don't even bring it up with my family anymore. As far as they're concerned I'd be the jerk for having the fucking gall to get pissed over having a major family illness hidden from me for several months and only finding out about it when I did because I figured it out on my own. That's just a sense of betrayal I just haven't managed to get over...and probably never will.

That's the point where the grudge was born.


womanistmusings said...

Danny this is off topic sorry about that. Though I like the look of your new template the Black background and white font make it really hard to read. Is there any chance you would please consider moving to a light background?

Danny said...

Cool. Just made some color tweaks. Take a look and let me find out. But just for the sake of clarity if you find anything wrong just drop a line in one of my ( "Under Construction" posts.